Grateful for the Small Stuff

D Lewis
D Lewis Member Posts: 1,581 Member
in Head and Neck Cancer #1
A very wise friend of mine gave me some great advice: "Don't sweat the small stuff." Then he said: "It's mostly all small stuff." May 15th will be the two-year anniversary of my completing treatment for stage 4 T1N2cM0 +HPV base of tongue. I've got all kinds of annoying residual effects that you've all heard me whining about on this forum: no spit, no snot, no tears, impaired taste, impaired swallow, low white blood count, range of motion issues with my arm, PTSD, blah blah blah. I'm slowly coming to the realization that, for now, this is all small stuff. I can deal with this. I am just so damn glad to be here.

Lately I have been experiencing an aversion to walking into my own bedroom in the late afternoon hours. I would describe it as a feeling of vague depression and unease, almost discomfort. Gee, is something wrong? Duh. Anniversary time. I realized that the low angle of the setting sun was shining on the walls with the same pattern it had when I was struggling with the last few horrible weeks of chemo and radiation. I would just lie there like a sick puppy and stare at that pattern on the walls. More small stuff.

Deb (Damn glad to be here. Damn glad to be anywhere.)

Comments

  • longtermsurvivor
    longtermsurvivor Member Posts: 1,842 Member
    #2
    here is 2 you, Deb
    so much is 2 be said for culturing and maintaining a positive attitude. And clearly, thats what u have done. Like u, i work at this. Whenever I get down about how I feel, I remind myself that I wouldnt be here without the treatments I have gone through.


    Cheers!


    Pat
  • Irishgypsie
    Irishgypsie Member Posts: 333
    #3
    longtermsurvivor said:

    here is 2 you, Deb
    so much is 2 be said for culturing and maintaining a positive attitude. And clearly, thats what u have done. Like u, i work at this. Whenever I get down about how I feel, I remind myself that I wouldnt be here without the treatments I have gone through.


    Cheers!


    Pat

    Cheers Darlin!!!
    I'm about 45 days behind you on the 2 year mark!! :)

    Big Huggs!!!!

    Charles
  • phrannie51
    phrannie51 Member Posts: 4,716
    #4
    I'm taking all my lessons
    in what Positive Attitude means, is coming from you who have gone before me...I can't imagine doing this without you guys to lead me...sometimes by the hand. Whenever you write something, Deb....I emotionally relate...then tuck that into my mental file for future reference.

    I'm so grateful you're still here on this board, even tho you're almost two years out...I am determined to be here for a long time after I'm done with treatment, to keep the legacy of all that you....Kent....John...Pat...and all the others that continue helping, going.

    p
  • ditto1
    ditto1 Member Posts: 660
    #5
    phrannie51 said:

    I'm taking all my lessons
    in what Positive Attitude means, is coming from you who have gone before me...I can't imagine doing this without you guys to lead me...sometimes by the hand. Whenever you write something, Deb....I emotionally relate...then tuck that into my mental file for future reference.

    I'm so grateful you're still here on this board, even tho you're almost two years out...I am determined to be here for a long time after I'm done with treatment, to keep the legacy of all that you....Kent....John...Pat...and all the others that continue helping, going.

    p

    The Small Stuff
    I agree, I know I worry about what tommorrow brings with Cancer, but I think (no Im Sure)that more than that I have indeed started appreciating each day. I have never flown a Kite in my life, but just yesterday off it went into the wind and it just floated, the beautiful blue sky in the background and a nice white cloud floating by.... its just a $1.98 kite, but to quote a Visa commercial to me yesterday it was priceless.
  • phrannie51
    phrannie51 Member Posts: 4,716
    #6
    ditto1 said:

    The Small Stuff
    I agree, I know I worry about what tommorrow brings with Cancer, but I think (no Im Sure)that more than that I have indeed started appreciating each day. I have never flown a Kite in my life, but just yesterday off it went into the wind and it just floated, the beautiful blue sky in the background and a nice white cloud floating by.... its just a $1.98 kite, but to quote a Visa commercial to me yesterday it was priceless.

    Ditto....you are amazing!!
    You're imagination is so vast...to "remember" you haven't flown a kite is impressive enough, but then going and doing it....this is my BIG smile for this day!

    p
  • Ingrid K
    Ingrid K Member Posts: 813
    #7
    phrannie51 said:

    Ditto....you are amazing!!
    You're imagination is so vast...to "remember" you haven't flown a kite is impressive enough, but then going and doing it....this is my BIG smile for this day!

    p

    congrats Deb
    Deb, congrats on your 2 year mark coming up ! It's a huge milestone... I think every anniversary will be a milestone for us going forward. I am about exactly one year behind you and often get tips from your posts. Keep up the good work and thanks for sticking around and helping us "newer" ones.
  • jim and i
    jim and i Member Posts: 1,788 Member
    #8
    Deb,
    So happy you are here
    Deb,

    So happy you are here as well. Congrts on the 2 year mark.

    Debbie
  • KareGiver
    KareGiver Member Posts: 301 Member
    #9
    jim and i said:

    Deb,
    So happy you are here
    Deb,

    So happy you are here as well. Congrts on the 2 year mark.

    Debbie

    Deb
    Good advice...sometimes we get drenched by the small stuff but it takes awhile to dry off and realize that's just what it was. Small. Take care!
  • Hal61
    Hal61 Member Posts: 655
    #10
    Neck and neck
    Hi Deb, congratulations on enjoying your life. You know we're running the same race, and you've always been an inspiration for me. Hold on to those reins, and take in the scenery.

    best, Hal
  • Kent Cass
    Kent Cass Member Posts: 1,898 Member
    #11
    Danged glad-
    You are here, Deb, and hope you are still here many years down our road, small stuff and all- many anniversaries to come.

    For me, it's Grandpa's recliner. I got it when he died- the recliner he spent a lot of his last 12 years, post-glaucoma, sitting on. Until tx I had never tried to sleep on it, but the unfriendly bed mucous inspired me to give it a try, and oh did it work for me (almost as well as my PEG, John). Seems like most every afternoon during tx I would lay back on the recliner with a blanket on and pillow under my head to sleep with the M. And in the time since the end of tx I find myself inclined to do the same with naps, and most every time I remember those afternoons of early-09...

    You ridden your horse over to little old Stanford, lately? Seems to me your Drs would get a kick out of that, though the local cops might do a double-take on the sight of you riding into town. Would be quite an adventure, though. Maybe you should plan it out for, let's say, the year of 2025. You'll still have that option, girl. A big congratulations, Deb.

    Believe

    kcass
  • Pam M
    Pam M Member Posts: 2,196
    #12
    Yep
    I can see how the wallpaper would bring back memories for you. I have recently gotten to the point where I can sometimes pass the Urgent Care Center (where I was told my neck lump was due to an infection, and given a script for antibiotics)without cringing.

    Today, I'm having a grateful day, and I'm damn glad to be here, too. Also damn glad you're here. Stay.
  • Sergio1
    Sergio1 Member Posts: 16
    #13
    Pam M said:

    Yep
    I can see how the wallpaper would bring back memories for you. I have recently gotten to the point where I can sometimes pass the Urgent Care Center (where I was told my neck lump was due to an infection, and given a script for antibiotics)without cringing.

    Today, I'm having a grateful day, and I'm damn glad to be here, too. Also damn glad you're here. Stay.

    The damage left by the treatment
    Deb,

    Its been 14 months for me since the end of treatment. I still have all you describe plus tinnitus, loss of high pitch hearing, neuropathy (feet and hands, a turkey neck and others. I know we strive and suffer to remain on this earth but at some point living with Jesus has to better than occupying this unfortunate body.

    Sergio
  • Skiffin16
    Skiffin16 Member Posts: 8,305 Member
    #14
    Sergio1 said:

    The damage left by the treatment
    Deb,

    Its been 14 months for me since the end of treatment. I still have all you describe plus tinnitus, loss of high pitch hearing, neuropathy (feet and hands, a turkey neck and others. I know we strive and suffer to remain on this earth but at some point living with Jesus has to better than occupying this unfortunate body.

    Sergio

    Perspective...
    Sergio, I guess it's all a matter of perspective.

    For me though my side effects are minimal at the moment comparative. I'm very happy to still be here bugging and annoying people.

    It is what it is, and what you make of it.

    I know before you said you weren't depressed as much as pissed.

    For me, I can't really see how being pissed is doing anything for you. At least nothing positive, and who or what are you pissed at?

    Cancer though we tend to speak of it as if it's some evil monster... It's merely a disease like any other that we or any living thing can acquire.

    I don't think it sought me out, other than things that I might have done in my life may have had some influence. But then, I'd have to be pissed at myself for not knowing better, or not changing a contributor.

    Certainly not God, other than it was in the grand plan of things.

    Look at the things you referenced above....

    Now look for instance at military that have returned with horribly disfiguring wounds. Children and adults with terrible things that have either happened to them, or they were born with.

    Look at how most of them overcome or adapt to these things...their outlook on life and living. What they contribute to society, never asking why. Just living and overcoming or living within their capabilities, but always striving to accomplish more and never ever giving up.

    Anyways, just my thoughts and ramblings.

    Best,
    John
  • Greend
    Greend Member Posts: 678
    #15
    my perspective
    Going through treatment is hell, surviving afterward is a pain in the ****. long ago I accepted my "new normal" and actually laugh at myself these days over the things I have to do to live and wondering what the next hurdle will be.

    Denny
  • hawk711
    hawk711 Member Posts: 566
    #16
    Greend said:

    my perspective
    Going through treatment is hell, surviving afterward is a pain in the ****. long ago I accepted my "new normal" and actually laugh at myself these days over the things I have to do to live and wondering what the next hurdle will be.

    Denny

    Hi Deb
    You and I are on a similar time table. I am 25 months today and loving every (most) minute. I too have bad days when I think it could all come again, but I slap myself and say "get up and get on boy" anything can happen to anyone, anytime. I remember the day I was told the bad news, january 22, 2010. My ENT was on the phone and was very slow in telling me but also very compassionate. He'd already made appts for me to see the Oncologist and the RADS Dr. the same day. I was in shock but ready to go for it. I'm glad he got me up and out on the same day as the diagnosis.
    After that and the next year, I was wondering if I'd ever get back to some type of normal. Now I get the new normal and can live happily with all the issues. You are right Deb, just glad to be here or anywhere. Glad I met you on this troubling journey. Maybe some day we can meet up and have a beer. That I still like.

    All the best
    Steve
  • Suzyhok
    Suzyhok Member Posts: 7
    #17
    ditto1 said:

    The Small Stuff
    I agree, I know I worry about what tommorrow brings with Cancer, but I think (no Im Sure)that more than that I have indeed started appreciating each day. I have never flown a Kite in my life, but just yesterday off it went into the wind and it just floated, the beautiful blue sky in the background and a nice white cloud floating by.... its just a $1.98 kite, but to quote a Visa commercial to me yesterday it was priceless.

    Love this!
    I'm going out and buy me a kite! I've been talking about it for years... It's time NOW! Thanks for reminder of the important things in life!
    :0). Suzy
  • adventurebob
    adventurebob Member Posts: 691
    #18
    Sunshine Daydream
    Hey Deb,

    I notice the sunlight a lot lately too as it's been almost 2 since I was diagnosed and the angle of the sun has always been something that triggers memories in me too. I recently remembered how scared I was at the beginning but then also remembered how cared for I was and how supported I felt. Seems like such a long time ago as life is so different now. The residual effects that you mentioned are some of mine too and while they're kinda small in the big picture; I remember what it was like to not have them and to wake up feeling good every single day and to rarely get tired and to go long periods of time without thinking of death or cancer. Life is good, no doubt about that but it is definitely different and I guess a little bit more challenging than it used to be. Aw well. It is what it is.
    I'm damn glad to be here too! Damn glad you're here as well.

    AB
  • Greg53
    Greg53 Member Posts: 849
    #19
    adventurebob said:

    Sunshine Daydream
    Hey Deb,

    I notice the sunlight a lot lately too as it's been almost 2 since I was diagnosed and the angle of the sun has always been something that triggers memories in me too. I recently remembered how scared I was at the beginning but then also remembered how cared for I was and how supported I felt. Seems like such a long time ago as life is so different now. The residual effects that you mentioned are some of mine too and while they're kinda small in the big picture; I remember what it was like to not have them and to wake up feeling good every single day and to rarely get tired and to go long periods of time without thinking of death or cancer. Life is good, no doubt about that but it is definitely different and I guess a little bit more challenging than it used to be. Aw well. It is what it is.
    I'm damn glad to be here too! Damn glad you're here as well.

    AB

    Deb,

    Damn glad you're here too!

    My nemesis is stll the "red couch" in the living room. It has the best view in the house -looking out across a valley. When I couldn't sleep in my bed or sit and watch TV or sit at the computer - when I was at my most uncomfortable, it's where I went. I still can't sit on it - weird. If we have people over I'll stand, or sit on the floor before I get near it. But I don't want to get rid of it either cause it reminds me of what I went thru and also that I did make it and am doing well.

    My best to you Deb

    Greg

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