Feeling Crushed

My luv has pneumonia, and I'm so very worried. Just spoke to my luv's mother -- who only knows that her son has stomach cancer, and not the extent (noncurable) or stage (4). I had to beg him to let me call her, and even then he said that he didn't want anyone to come to see him or call him. I feel that it's necessary to keep within his wishes. His mother said something very telling. Her husband, his father, was diagnosed with cancer. It was the pneumonia that ultimatley caused his demise. He just couldn't fight it. She said, I hope he can beat the pneumonia. I suspect that on some level she knows the seriousness. I can't bring myself to tell her, and really don't feel that it's my place to do that. His mother and sisters are very controlling, and I think this is his way of not having to deal with the drama. On the other hand, I know that they love him, and sometimes I feel that them just being around more would make him feel better and feel loved. Once when he was in the hospital, I called one of his sisters and asked her to visit him. Afterwards, he told me to never do that again.

He's also having problems with his lower intestines, which is where his j and g tubes are connected for feedings. There's an obstruction. The docs aren't sure if it's the cancer spreading.

I've been carrying this load since last November when he was diagnosed. I do all of the caregiving, work, and care for my 6 year old son. I don't mind the load. And I often think no matter how bad I have it, it's so much worse for him. He has lost so much weight. His highest weight was 180. He's now at 130 -- and I think there was even some padding on that end. I've found myself just bursting into tears when I'm alone. I try to maintain my running to help with the stress. I ran yesterday, and without any warning, I just broke down.

He's the love of my life and I just don't know what I'm going to do without him. Thanks for reading. I needed to vent. Back to work.