I get so depressed.....

Honeybear4701 · March 2012

Hello Everyone, I've been lurking for about a week now and I've learned SO MUCH from you all, Thank You! This is kind of long but if you'll help with this problem I promise not to have long posts in the future, but I felt you needed to know a little about me first.

I'm married to Jim, who is absolutely WONDERFUL dealing with me and "our" cancer. We have a Son and Dau who both live 20-30 miles away and both are married with children and jobs. We have three Grandchildren all grown up.

I was in the Hosp for 25 days in Nov through Dec, during that time my DD took an FMAL from her job and stayed day & night with me. DH (retired) brought food & coffee for the three of us at 6am and stayed till I told him to leave (nicely) : ) in the evening. Both were great. Our DS works 12 hr shifts but came to the hosp most days. Friends & Family were there so much DH, DD, DS & I had it made up that if I gave them "the look" someone was going to invite the visitors to the cafe for coffe. I just got so tired.

I was diagnosed with stage 3a AdenoCarcinoma (CC) on 12/2/12 and I had surgery on 1/30/12. Today I finished my 5th Chemo treatment of 5FU IV Pump (w) Leucovoin, Oxaliplaten and Avastin.

I have most of the side effects but so far they are very manageable except for the extreem fatigue and depression. I'm assuming the depression is from having so many ppl around & now no one hardly comes.

I'm going to tell you about my "pity parties". (some background) When someone says, "How r you", I usually say, "fine ot good" unless I'm sure they really want to know. Then I say how wonderful DH has been and brag on him for a bit, he pretty much does over half of the housework and all of the errands. He is usually sitting there and I'm trying to give him a boost and make him feel included in the conversation. I'm so blessed and thankful for him. BUT here is my problem, since I don't appear to need anything, no one comes around. I feel so alone when I send DH out fishing or for coffee with his "Old Buzzard Club".

What do you say when do you want or do need something (like conversation)? PPL say if you need anything call me, but I don't ever want to put anyone out or on a spot. Please tell me how to handle this situation, I get so depressed and alone.

Lovekitties · March 2012

Hi
I suggest that you make a list of all those who offered to help.

Do you have a best friend who could act as your advocate? Someone from your social circle or your spritual circle? If so, have a heart to heart with that person, letting him/her know how you are feeling. Perhaps with your list they can set up some kind of rotation to keep folks in your company without over doing it and taxing your strenght.

Having folks stop by is not the only way to over come depression. Friendly 'checking in' phone calls can boost your morale as well.

Sometimes you have to be the first to reach out and say what you want or need. There is no shame in needing the good company of others.

Wishing you the best,

Marie who loves kitties

tommycat · March 2012

Hi,
Very glad you reached
Hi,
Very glad you reached out. I wanted to know how many of cycles of chemo you are doing. If , say, you are doing 12 , and you are 5, you still have a way to go.
On that note, I found that post tx, I was very depressed for a couple of days. I wouldn't start feeling like myself until a week or so. As the chemo accumulated in my body, each cycle was a little worse. Toward the end, I would take Ativan or something along those lines so I didn't cry myself into a puddle. You might consider getting on an antidepressant/antianxiety med until this is all over. There are many changes going on chemically in your body--enough to give you the blues.
Second, ask a trusted friend to set up a meal train (Meal Train, Caring Bridges, Lotsa Helping Hands are some of the sites) for you and your hubby for the reminder of the chemo. Whomever sets up the site can include that along with a hot meal, you are also welcoming visitors with open arms. There is a site where you can blog, so you can let ppl know that you're feeling a wee bit alone, and would love a good game of scrabble or simple conversation.
Hope this helps~

Sundanceh · March 2012

Hi HB
We can never make anyone be all that that we think they need to be for us....for regular folks, even if they listened incessantly, there would come a point where they just no longer want to be so "emotionally invested" with a life and death issue like cancer.

If things don't get resolved "on their timetable" they will eventually walk away and seek higher ground...this is normal....and the ugly side of human nature.

But, on the other hand, you will never have to feel completely lonely again as long as you come here....when it gets too overwhelming.....login and talk to any of us...because we will always be here...we will always listen...and you have the freedom here to express your feelings and talk about insecurities and doubts.

This board is a cancer board, but I've come to see it as a "Life Board" and there is alot of interaction going on here - and alot of sharing of our lives.

You'll make friends - you'll build relationships - and you'll have a 24-hour outlet that you can come to in your hour of need. So if the 'buzzard club' is out on a foray, just come here....after all, we already understand you better than anyone else you know.

And you can bet your bottom dollar on that:)

It's nice to meet you and come back often.

-Craig

relaxoutdoors08 · March 2012

We are here for You
HoneyBear,
Think of this as a journey and those who are on the journey are here for you. As I read your post I could feel the empathy for you. What you are feeling is a natural response to reaching the midway of the first part of the journey; Treatment. Take one treatment at a time.

What you are feeling is the need for reassurance from those who are in the journey. Real reassurance and understanding. Log in and post as you finish your treatment. I found a walk in the sun gave me a "lift"; feeling the sun's warmth, a feeling of closeness with nature and spiritual warmth for my soul. A short walk was a great for fatigue and the sun gave me a sense of hope.

I have learned so much and received so much from those on this board. Know that we are here for you. Craig says it so well. Thanks Craig.
Prayers for you.
NB

annalexandria · March 2012

Hardest thing for me about cancer...
was opening up to other people and accepting help. I hated appearing weak or acknowledging that help was in fact needed. But I finally realized that cancer is a special case...the impact it has on your well-being, both physical and mental, is so profound that we have to let others in, let ourselves lean on them a bit. I hope you have one or two people in your life who could become that source of support, but beyond that you have us! There are a lot of people who can totally relate to what you are going through on this, and other, cancer forums, and someone is usually around, day or night, to jump in and give you a little lift. These forums have been a lifesaver for me at times, and I hope they can be for you as well. Hugs-Ann

Minnesotagirl · March 2012

I certainly understand
Honeybear,

I really struggle with asking for help or acknowledging to anyone (but my husband) that I am having a bad day, sad day, overwhelming day, etc. and so on. I actually have closed the door to many people during this cancer journey because I always said "I don't need help, don't worry about me, live your life and I will catch up later, etc. and so on"...so I really am to blame why people don't flood to my door anymore. I joined the YMCA and try to swim. Even in the off days when I didn't have chemo I tried that as well ~ sometimes being around people but not necessarily people you know is a beginning because they don't ask questions.

I think people don't want to disturb people because they think they are overwhelmed with other people so we (cancer survivors, fighters) have to let them know when we need them. They will come back once you ask ~ people just don't know how to handle this cancer stuff unless they have walked the journey with a relative or friend. Be patient with your friends and family ~ they do all love you but need you to reach out to them...

Blessings and healing to you from Minnesota

"Minnie"

janderson1964 · March 2012

I have experienced much of
I have experienced much of the same emotions that you have for many years. Cancer can be a very lonely disease. No one fully understands what you are experiencing except fellow survivors. This forum is where i come when i am feeling lonely or scared. The colon cancer alliance is a great resourse as well. They have a buddy program which can be a great resourse.

lauragb · March 2012

Some of what I am going to
Some of what I am going to say mirrors what others have said. I had a good friend take charge when I was first diagnosed. She arranged a calendar of rides to daily radiation and for meals. She arranged for meals again post surgery. One of the biggest changes for me since my diagnosis has been the ability to accept help from others. My mother died when I was young so I have been pretty independent in my life, also I think it's a family trait that it's hard for any of us to admit when we need help. But I have gotten over that. Often when people brought food, we would chat some. I also got a Facebook page to keep in contact with people, as well as a caring bridge page. I don't know if you text, but sometimes just a few texts back and forth with someone makes me feel less alone. These have all been good things.

I have to say though when I first went out in public or to a small social gathering, I felt lonely even being with people because as others have said cancer is lonely. That's why I love this board. Also, in my community, I have become friends with a man who had colon cancer who just finished his last treatment a couple of weeks ago. We talk on the phone occasionally about how we feel. That helps.

I think someone else already said this but if you have one or two people who you feel comfortable confiding your feelings and the reality of how you really feel, they can get the word out that you would like some face time with some folks. I know when we had the food train set up, if I didn't feel good enough to chat, there would be a cooler on the porch for people to leave the food. My friend did an excellent job of letting people know what we needed in a way that made them comfortable too.

And to repeat others, this is the place to come for help. No subject is off limits.

Sending you light. You are in my thoughts.
Laura

abrub · March 2012

Support groups like Gilda's Club are wonderful
They can give you places and people with whom you can speak directly about what is really going on inside your head. Other cancer patients/survivors are very good to talk to, because we understand both what you are going through and your need to talk/vent.

I'm almost 5 years out, and my exercise classes at my local Hope Club (American Cancer Society version of Gilda's Club - they took over the Gilda's club here about 2 years ago) gives me a safe place to talk cancer. My husband/family/friends don't want to hear more, but sometimes its still there, and needs to be said.

There's also a lot to be said for a good therapist.

But on top of this all, your good friends, when asking to help, should try to understand that sometimes you just need to talk.

Here of course is always a good place to vent.

here4lfe · March 2012

Call someone
We had to learn to take people up on their offers. But a warning, this disease has ups and downs over a long period of time and some people just don't have the stamina and fall away. That's OK, as you find new friends, sometimes from unexpected places.

Talk to your doctor. Our oncologist's PA took one look at my wife, said 'You look off to me', and prescribed some medication for her moods.

Best to you.

need support · March 2012

We all know exactly how u feel
Honey bear, I think we all have good days and bad. For me it's by the hour sometimes an emotional roller coaster of feelings. I have some property not far from my home that is very special to me and my 2 sons used mainly for hunting and small scale farming. I was standing there today thinking just a year ago, I didn't have colon cancer, at least I didn't know about it. My 19 year old son was attending college on a full volleyball scholarship ranked 7th in the nation at his position, who is now working in a steel mill because he got his girlfriend pregnant and wants to support her, so he dropped out of school, and my wife of 27 years decided to leave me a month ago for a highschool boy friend and I'm now in the process of going through a divorce. If someone would of told me a year ago all these things would happen, I'm not sure what I would have done. But this week I got good news on my pet scan and don't have to go back for 6 months. I fertilized probably 2500 trees today, and yes my hands and feet are numb from the chemo, but 6 months ago I could barely walk around my field because I was so weak. All this and i'm still gratefull because it can always be worse. It took all this to happen to me before I realized that your "soul" is the most important thing you have. As far as eternity goes we are only here a short time and have to make the most of it. I found a counselor to talk to who is a cancer survivor herself. She helped me more in one day than anyone has since being diagnosed. Tomorrow will be a better day. I hope you feel better, chuck

northernlites · March 2012

Hi Honeybear,
I agree with
Hi Honeybear,
I agree with everyone who has commented already which is You cannot find a better place to connect than here on this board. My husband works out of town M-F and my girls are grown with thier own lives and families. Even though the girls are close by they don't come over anymore since i went back to work. I get very lonely here at night without my husband here. I wish i had him here at night just to talk about the day, instead of calling everynight and discussing on the phone how i really feel.... I have found that no one here in my household wants to talk about the cancer. It is as if it never happened! The emotional rollercoaster after treatments is worse to me than getting the diagnosis. So i found a very good support group that I attend 2 nights a week. By the weekend, hubby is home and kids and grandchildren come around which gets me though the weekend.... You have to find a balance and peacefulness that is right for you.

Glad you are here!

Tessa

I get so depressed.....

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