Angry Husbnd

Mlinda
Mlinda Member Posts: 4
in Emotional Support #1
I'm newly diagnosed and have already had surgery for colorectal cancer. My mom is here helping my husband take care of me and the house. I've been home or two weeks after surgery and this coming week, I meet with oncology for the first time.

Ever since I got home from the hospital, I've been really bored. I try to keep busy but I don't sleep well and the days are very long it seems. I'm also depressed.

I need some variety in my life but since I can't drive yet, I rely on my husband and he refuses to take me places without a fight. I understand that he's tired but he also seems to resent it when friends offer to take me out, even when they include him in the plans and he refuses to ask for help when we need it as well.

He thinks that I should go to church on Sundays ( was not doing so pre surgery) and that's it. I feel like he is trying to isolate me and if I resist, he gets very angry....I in turn feel that I have the right to self determination and get angry as well.
I resent being overly controlled.

All this anger is making me sick. I had gotten my appetite back but lost it again from this stress. I know he loves me but I don't feel supported...as things get tougher during chemo, we to be on the same side. I don't know where to even begin talking about this without starting a fight.

We are both new to cancer...never dreamed either of us coukd get this sick and are learning how to cope slowly....I guess I need advise on how to break the ice here.....

Comments

  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #2
    it is hard to be the caregiver
    It does sound like he is being controlling but maybe it is your husband's way of trying to maintain what is good for you. You are right: you get to determine that, not him.

    I think it is a great sign you are bored! And I also think it is important that you get out and do things when you are feeling well. There is more than one kind of recovery going on here, Mlinda - your emotional recovery is just as important as your physical.

    Remember to be good to each other - this has been hard for both of you.

    Will you need radiation and/or chemotherapy?
  • Mlinda
    Mlinda Member Posts: 4
    #3
    Noellesmom said:

    it is hard to be the caregiver
    It does sound like he is being controlling but maybe it is your husband's way of trying to maintain what is good for you. You are right: you get to determine that, not him.

    I think it is a great sign you are bored! And I also think it is important that you get out and do things when you are feeling well. There is more than one kind of recovery going on here, Mlinda - your emotional recovery is just as important as your physical.

    Remember to be good to each other - this has been hard for both of you.

    Will you need radiation and/or chemotherapy?

    Thanks Noellesmom
    I will need chemo but not sure yet about radiation. I meet the oncologists this week...thursday to be precise and I'm very nervous about it.

    Why is it a good thing to be bored?
    To me, it's such a scary feeling though I admit that I'm bored more from the limitations of surgery than anything else. If the weather improves and I can garden I'll be thrilled:) Intereting how we all view boredom differantly....curious to hear your take because if it's a positive, I'm missing out:)

    My husband is covering up alot of fear in his controlling behavior. when I was in hospital he kept talking about bringing a bed downstairs so that the 15 steps to the second floor didn't pose a danger. I refused! He was trying to swaddle me in cotton at that point. I made him come to physical therapy and share his concerns and we did lots of stair work during sessions before I came home.


    I just don't know how to deal with his behavior now without help....is it common for partners to become this over protective? I'm having a hard time finding support groups......we are very rural and this is all very new to us.....
  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #4
    Mlinda said:

    Thanks Noellesmom
    I will need chemo but not sure yet about radiation. I meet the oncologists this week...thursday to be precise and I'm very nervous about it.

    Why is it a good thing to be bored?
    To me, it's such a scary feeling though I admit that I'm bored more from the limitations of surgery than anything else. If the weather improves and I can garden I'll be thrilled:) Intereting how we all view boredom differantly....curious to hear your take because if it's a positive, I'm missing out:)

    My husband is covering up alot of fear in his controlling behavior. when I was in hospital he kept talking about bringing a bed downstairs so that the 15 steps to the second floor didn't pose a danger. I refused! He was trying to swaddle me in cotton at that point. I made him come to physical therapy and share his concerns and we did lots of stair work during sessions before I came home.


    I just don't know how to deal with his behavior now without help....is it common for partners to become this over protective? I'm having a hard time finding support groups......we are very rural and this is all very new to us.....

    boredom
    To a mom, when your child has been unwell and announces they are bored, they are getting better:) That's all I meant.

    Yes, some caregivers get very protective of their loved ones and it isn't easy on either.

    I think as you heal it will get better.

    If you read these posts long, you will find many people who would love to have an over-caring partner - although it can be difficult to live with, I am sure.

    Hope you are able to get some gardening in soon!
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #5
    Scared
    He's scared. Cancer is hard on everyone. We suddenly face the fact that our loved one is not immortal. Sure we knew that, but now we are face to face with that possibility even when the prognosis is good. Like you indicated, this is a real shock. I know that, as a caregiver, I really had to watch the overprotective urge. My husband, at one point, started making me weigh things I thought were too heavy for him to lift. We'd like to wrap our loved one in bubble wrap so that nothing else will hurt them. Hopefully, you can reassure him that you need some space, and that you won't overdo. Remind him that you must figure out what you can or cannot do. If you read these boards, you will see that spouses and other loved ones react to their fear in very different ways. Some leave. Some become their best selves. Some become very angry. Others get overprotective. Fear of losing that person you care the most about does strange things to us. Hang in there. You might also suggest that you talk with your dr about what things you can do, and things you should not do. He may need to hear it from someone else. Talking to your pastor might help, too. Good luck. Fay
  • Mlinda
    Mlinda Member Posts: 4
    #6
    grandmafay said:

    Scared
    He's scared. Cancer is hard on everyone. We suddenly face the fact that our loved one is not immortal. Sure we knew that, but now we are face to face with that possibility even when the prognosis is good. Like you indicated, this is a real shock. I know that, as a caregiver, I really had to watch the overprotective urge. My husband, at one point, started making me weigh things I thought were too heavy for him to lift. We'd like to wrap our loved one in bubble wrap so that nothing else will hurt them. Hopefully, you can reassure him that you need some space, and that you won't overdo. Remind him that you must figure out what you can or cannot do. If you read these boards, you will see that spouses and other loved ones react to their fear in very different ways. Some leave. Some become their best selves. Some become very angry. Others get overprotective. Fear of losing that person you care the most about does strange things to us. Hang in there. You might also suggest that you talk with your dr about what things you can do, and things you should not do. He may need to hear it from someone else. Talking to your pastor might help, too. Good luck. Fay

    Thanks Fay
    I think you are totally right about the fear. He was doing his best to cope and I realized how lucky I was to have him chose o be over protective when he could of just left or not helped or some other negative thing. And I believe too that I had to come to terms with a loss of independence which aggravated things.
    I was able to work through ome of this with him since my initial post. It's not going to be n easy journey but we are communicating again.
  • Mlinda
    Mlinda Member Posts: 4
    #7
    Noellesmom said:

    boredom
    To a mom, when your child has been unwell and announces they are bored, they are getting better:) That's all I meant.

    Yes, some caregivers get very protective of their loved ones and it isn't easy on either.

    I think as you heal it will get better.

    If you read these posts long, you will find many people who would love to have an over-caring partner - although it can be difficult to live with, I am sure.

    Hope you are able to get some gardening in soon!

    Thank you
    We startedto communicate a bit better and you are right....once we talked it over, it made me feel a bit grateful that he cared. I have read very sad stories on other sites about abandonment....I'd rather have this:)
    We started to plan the garden....I feel productive again....boredom is gone.

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