Accidental Overdose

Well my last post was a heavy one. This one will be again. My last chemo is tomorrow and I don't want it (kicks and pounds fist on ground like a 4 year old throwing a tantrum) All joking aside. I don't know if I can do it. I am just starting to feel better, then they hit you again. If is like some f*##ing cruel joke. It makes me feel like I should be thanking someone for not beating me today, but you know it is coming. I feel insane, trying different approaches for what I want. I no longer feel it is about what I want, it is now about finishing the course. Which of course is what I want but why can't they just give me propofol drip and place me in ICU for a week, those gals will take care of me. Well it really is the end of the journey. Tomorrow I have chemo and radiation, and tuesday is the last radiation, then slow healing process begins.

Well lets tell you what I have. I look like I have tried to hang myself and have a rope bburn around my neck. Everywhere there was folds in my neck skin I have super bad sunburns. It hurts like hell. My right ear developed a sore behind it, of course it hasn't healed and I am worried about the color of my ear lobe. Wonder if I will loose it, but the doc's don't seem to worried about it so neither do I. I have terrible mouth sores and the mucositis is horrible. I had an infection in my airway, so I have just finished antibiotics and that has helped. My mouth is so dry, but the things they give you for that help. So I know I am bitching but I appreciate a venue to get this out at.

Well after my last hospitalization, the doctor added a hycodan cough syrup. So my medication regimine was as follows. every 4 hours I took 20mg Roxanol, 1mg ativan, 10ml reglan (4xd), 10ml Omeprazole (2xd), Hycodayn 10ml (an overdose on my part it was 5) Zofran 8mg, scopalamine q3days.

Well I was doing ok on this regimine, until I woke up and missed a dose, took it when I woke up at 5am, and I quess I did it again at 7am, and then at 10 am. I was so high. I always felt under the influence but I was able to maitain connections to reality. I was sufferring respiratory depression and only a O2 sat of 70 to 80 would wake me up enough for me to spontaneously breath, so while recieving IV fluids, it was my family;s job to try to keep the oxygen on me and secondly shake/stir me enogh to get me to breath. They didn't want to narcan me because of my pain, but all well. I quess the wife and i got into the night before, She has a hard time coming in with me when I am gettin sick, in fact she never has done it. Comming off the meds, and not being allowed to have more to ease the pain. And the wife trying to be hard love woman, I was definetly harsh to her. But I don't give a rats **** what her problem is, my problem is I need her. I cry out but she just says what good am I to you if i am vomiting. I think that is very selfish, and I don't want to tell her that. She feels like she has the right to tell me when she thinks I am giving up or I could be doing more, but she can't hear me tell her I need her. I don't want her to clean me up or anything, lord knows that wouldn't happen. I've gotten sick many times, and after throwing up, I'm up with the mob, or steam cleaner ect, cleaning everything up. My problem isn't that she loves me, I know she loves me with all her heart, she has come through some of these doors that I thought she would never come through with me. It boils down to this, if going through a life and death situation, would she be the person I would choose at my side, I'm afraid to answer that question cause I know what it means and i am not sure I am ready for that, not ready to make that decision.

Also, since my accidental OD, no one is allowing me to set up my own meds and I am not allowed to be alone. I'm 35 year old nurse with 2 kids, who owns his own home and has a lot going for him. I understand they are worried about me, but come on, my chemo brain isn't that bad, or maybe it is. They can watch me and all that stuff i don't care. One thing I am mad about. When I was arguing with the wife the night before, she was bitching to me about my priorities being out of sorts (I've been spending too much time trying to raise money for the family) and stuff like that. I think she noticed I was upset about the picking and choosing when to be there or being there with all the normal, expected stuff, but the things that I need, reassurance, comming when i call and babying me a little, she just can't do it, it isn't me she says it's her issue with it.

well during that fight, I started crying and said I want to just crawl in a hole and die, then the next day I accidently (which I truley did on accident, just got confused early in the morning) overdosed. She thinks I really tried to harm myself. I understand why she would think that but when I told her I didn't she didn't believe me. If she really thought I did try to harm myself, why wouldn't she say to someone. I could've came home and finished the job, even with her hiding stuff. If I wanted to do it it would've been done, but I don't. I want to live, I want to shine and make each day and minute better than the last. I fear she isn't going to be that person who takes that trip on with me.

All well, I will keep you all posted on the opcoming events of last week of treatment. Thanks for listening and posting, you guys are amazing

Clinton