almost done

Hello Forum,

Well I am on the last stretch. 5 more rads and one more chemo and I am done with the current active treatment plan. It is weird, the infected lymph nodes that were oh so visible are all but melted away. I am so excited to get this phase over with and start towards recover from treatment.
I have stage 4 metastatic Squamous Cell Carcinom with occult primary (five nodes on one side none bigger than 6cm so TxN2bM? i quess)
I have had a pretty rough go of it, and my wife hasn't exactly been really understanding (well not at first, she has come around more lately) My first 3 week were pretty normal from what I remember, was able to work reduced schedule, mainly due to constraints on my time and chemo hit me pretty hard, I was terribly sick and thought I was doing better by day 7, days 8 and 9 hit me like a truck. I have a PEG tube in and a central line, was sick of being poked so many times. The peg has been my gremlin at first. Me being largely overweight, my water requirements and feeding requirements have been on the high end. And the formula they started me out on was a high protein formula. I didn't tolerate the high protein formula, nor did I tolerate any siqnificant amount of fluid in my stomach. Went to the hospital, doc states I have free air under my diaphragm and that is causing full sensations, I said great... lets charge this air a couple hundred bucks, the'll move out and get jobs cause that is expensive... lol. doc states it doesn't work that way (he didn't even skip a beat, he was a funny guy) so I end up going home, back and forth to kaiser for iv fluids, almost every day during my first cyce of chemo. I end up being hospitalized on day one of my second chemo cycle, I don't remember anything for the next 3 days, i went in to the hospital cause my weight loss was becoming too much. Doctor believed it was almost time to feed me through an IV and decided to admit me. Meet a smart registered dietician, she changed my formula and slowly added to the mls per hour till I was at goal. So know I run for 16 hours and am off for 8 hours. I try to flush a lot during the time I unhooked, but so much time and so little to do, hehehehe.

So, here is where I am at now. I am completely dependent upon anti-nausea medications. If I miss them by more that an hour, I am vomiting uncontrollably, I was on oxycodone 10mg 4 x day but it wasn't touching the pain that much. So I am on Roxanol 20mg every 4 hours, which definetly helps with the pain, but makes hallucinate for the first 30 minutes when it kicks in. My neck is burned up pretty bad, right in the creases of my neck fat. My right side has a rather big burn, one behind my right ear, and the left side of neck is oopening good and proper. I have started loosing hair in the radiation path, wich is all around since they have no primary tumor to target the treat the whole pharynx, larynx, trachea, tonsillar bases, bot ect ect. the mucosistis has been a monster, I went ahead and got a suction machine, very wise investment. I think stress has played an important part of my illness as well. My wife and I fight over stupid things. My first day from the hospital, we get me settled in, and after about a half hour, I taking all i could, stated could everyone please shut up for 5 minutes. The ringing in my ears was horrible an I felt everyone's voices were like machine guns going off, she didn't take kind to me being a little rude. She resents me, she wouldn't come out and say it but she does. Says stuff like, it isn't fair that all this stuff is left to me, you can't help and I know that but your the one who gets the grief. I have set up sitters for the kids and for me, had her go places with others, where the goal isn't taking care of me. Like right now, her alarm was set cause I can't miss med doses or I am vomiting. Well I woke up on my own and she snoozed her alarm 20 minutes ago...... not like her. I fear I'll heal up and she'll be gone. She blames me for this. Years of smoking and not taking care of myself, she gets the I told you so mentality going on, and not afraid to through it in your face. She says she loves me, but we had problems prior to me being sick and I don't think she can get past them. All well

Anyways, it could always be worse. I love my wife and kids, my family and friends have been super suportive. The nausea and vomiting will go away with time, the burns will heal. The blood levels will return to normal. They say I should get used the the ringing in my ears, but that should be permanent and could cause some permanent hearing loss. I sometimes wonder if my current situation, life will be enough for me. I see so many changes in me. My heart and direction and purpose have all been given a gift. I will never be like before, whether I weed out those things that make me weak or strengthen those traits that make the best. I will not go down a path that leads me to despair or self loathing, I will rise like a pheonix, new and glorious! Ready to face a new life. Hopefully it will be one my wife wants to journey with me,if not, no hard feelings, I just have to fly forward, never to allow me to wallow in self pity and self defeat. For too long have I been the self hating, afraid of changing coward. Sure I but on the happy go lucky facade around others, that facade is definetly a huge part of me, but I want to be real. It is time for clinton to take care of his own. To place my self first in life, not base my self worth by being codependent any more.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings
Clinton