Let me grieve!!

cosmic_me said:

To both Tina and Noellesmom:
To both Tina and Noellesmom: Thank you for the kind words, support and validation of crazy emotions and feelings

I actually did feel much better after I released all of that. As I mentioned there are moments I feel like I'm going to pop witholding some emotions or thoughts just to pacify individuals who don't really want to take that emotional journey with you.

Tina, yes I have been to a breavement support group a few times now. When I open up to share a bit about my losses and life in general even the counselor admits my story is very unique with one obvious commonality being that unbaearable loss.

Every thing with me in regard to all of this is a yoyo of thoughts and emotions. I struggle in my faith every day because of this. I'm left wondering if God really exists and if so how cruel and uncarring can he or she or it be to have allowed one tiny precious human being to suffer so much almost her entire life? She watched as the world passed her by while she was denied so many of the basics. She tried her hardest to find joy in the most simple things. Actually forced to live that way. My mom had enormous faith. In fact I think it's what got her by in life as she took on all the challenges her physical limitations offered her. However, in the end the cancer seemed to mess with her faith and hope. Why did she have to endure that as well? She actually asked me one evening why God hated her so much? Yet another heartbreaking moment. I tried my hardest to guide her away from those type of thoughts telling her there is no way God could ever hate her. What I would never tell her was that I was not so much thinking that God hated her as I was thinking.. WHERE IS HE? Why is he allowing this to happen to her? Why her? When is enough just enough for one person? But I would never say that to her. I didn't want to see her faith be taken from her as well. It sickens me to go back to that moment knowing exactly what she was feeling. She served him so faithfully and yet she could have easily wheeled hersef into a church and said take a good look at me and let me tell you about being denied so many things in life. Then tell me if a God of love, compassion and mercy exists and if so why would allow this to happen to a person? But instead she praised him and in the end what did she get? More heartache and pain. The last 9 months of my moms life was brutal. We weren't faced with just disease and death there were many other things falling appart which no man should ever have to go through.

If I could administer challenges to people I couldn't even delve out what we went through those 9 months. Not in it's entirety. It was so cruel and so brutal and so devastating at one point we even talked about suicide. We called it a mercy killing. Not because either of us wanted to die but the utter misery was so overwhelming and the reality was there was no way around that misery. So, what other options were left? Go through it knowing what the end result would be in advance? Death, destruction, complete collapse. A loss so great it leaves you stunned beyond words. The only reason we didn't go with suicide is because I just couldn't assist her in that area. So we took the other lovely path. We took slow agonizing painful gruesome death, destruction, heartache, financial collapse, and loss of what little dignity was left. We took missery. Forced misery and now I live here on this foul earth alone without her trying to pick up the pieces of a life riddled with way too much agony.

My love for my mother is unconditional. I begged and pleaded with God to take that cancer and shove it in me if there was some quota that needed to be filled for yet another person to die with that monster. I meant it. I don't want to be here without her right now. I've always been willing to die for my mom if it meant she didn't have to suffer. I'd endure any pain for her. You could skin me alive and I'd take. It just wasn't fair to have her eaten away with that as well. Watching her being tortured was uncalled for and both my self respect and that unconditional love for my mother makes it so impossible to trust this God ever again in my life time.

I don't think it's satan at all that has done a number on me. I think thats an easy cop out we hand to God. I tend to believe ocassionally God does mess it up because he is too consumed with being loved and adored and maybe just maybe he really doesn't understand human suffering and assumes it's just the greatest to be in his pressence. I'll never understand that type of ego driven process. So many things have left me confused.

I think somewhere in me is a very interesting book waiting to be written but it's hard traveling back down many of those roads God gave us knowing the final journey with my mom doesn't end with a pretty bow wrapped around it. It's ugly and it's gruesome and it's painful. I feel so exhausted most days because it seems like I've been running a marathon from something real bad my entire life. It seems like I was constantly trying to keep my mom safe and I was doing it and then all of a sudden I lost. I was forced to me knees defeated. Just like that. Like someone did nothing but beat us down over and over.

The entire time I was running all those years to keep her safe I never once said it was unfair becasue I believed there was hope. I hated we were granted less but there was always hope. Now that it's over you bet I'm saying it's very unfair. No one deserves what she was given. I want the entire world to have experienced what she did througout her life to understand where I'm at now and how I see the world today. It's through a very odd prism. Anger, disgust, disappointment, sorrow, anguish, dispair and forgotten.

Someone said something at my moms funeral that has stuck with me. If there are certain levels in heaven my mom is sitting on some thrown with a beutiful healthy body. All the luxury and excess others were handed in life are now her bounty. I hope it's true. I'd hate to think this was it here on earth. How sad that would be.

As for me? I try my hardest. I smile, I fake it. I even laugh but I keep asking myself what for? I have reason to be paranoid that life will never measure up. I have reason and multiple examples that it would be best not to dream very big because ocassionally some just don't get what they want out of life and they exhaust themselves only to be chewed up and spit out. I feel like one of those chosen. It stinks. It sucks. To know me you'd never know that these thoughts race through my mind. Thats why I like it here. You can shred some of the layers. It really was as if my mom didn't matter. She was for mere entertainment to watch her struggle for years. A chew toy.

I'm strong. Thats the one thing I was handed in life. I can endure and I'm strong. Wait that makes two things lol. I know there are other things as well. I just wish lifes lessons for me weren't as brutal or as I said they were administered equally so that others would understand all of this. I'm sick of having to prove just how strong and just how much I can endure. I still can't believe my precious mother is gone. I was brought to this earth to watch over her and suddenly she's gone. My life is like a huge puzzle now with all the pieces scattered all over the place and piece by piece I have to put it together. I hate it. I've never been selfish a day in my life. It's impossible at this point to adopt that attitude. If I acquire or meet a goal I wanted so much to be able to share this with my mother and allow her to live vicariously through my achievement. I hate being reduced to photos. I know as the time goes by it will get bearable. At least thats my thinking but I keep asking whats the point? This is where this God that has let me down so much needs to step in to let me know whats my purpose now. If I'm here to struggle I'd sorta like to hand back that lovely offer. It's exhausting and not so fun.

cosmic_me said:

Hi Noellesmom. Gods got one
Hi Noellesmom. Gods got one heck of a way of showing that love. If my pain grieves him he could have fixed that. I begged him to put the cancer in me. I'd take the pain and death just PLEASE don't make her go through that. I made it clear to him I wasn't asking to win a lottery where both myself and my mom walked away unscathed when it came to cancer. I was offering myself up instead of her. I even told him he could make me suffer ten times worse then whatever she would have to face if he needed to see another human crying out in pain from cancer. He said no. She didn't deserve that to go along with all the other horrible physical problems she'd been given in life.

I'm never going to get why he allowed this. I don't think he "caused" it but he definitely allowed it. I find that uncomfortable and saddistic. He could have healed her. He's God. Heal her or allow more suffering? There should have been no contest as to which one she deserved. She'd already paid in suffering for over 60 years. At times agonizing. From a child she had been relegated to so much less and she held her head up and pushed fwd. For her endurance she was to be rewarded not contnually plagued with additional dispair. She was forced to watch on the sidelines while others skipped around freely in life. If it was her time he could have peacefully taken her in her sleep. There was nothing left for her to prove to him. Her faith was unshakeable. In the end her feelings were hurt and she left my pressence wondering if she'd done something wrong and she felt absolutely abandoned by him. If he spent time rejoicing she had faith in him then it would suggest his ego outweighs any real rational compassion. I would hope he would apologize to her first and then craddle her as she adjusted to her brand new healthy body. Who cares if she had faith in him? I swear this God is an addict to self worship. He needed to explain a lot of things to her not stroke his ego and say thanks for loving me the most at that point.

No God of love would make a person endure all of that and then brush it off by saying it was written decades ago through the bloodline of ancestors or she was exposed to certain chemicals. Nor would he claim to be the creator of all and then take the onus off of himself and place it on free will of others. He created them. If he knows all then he knew what someone would do in advance with the environment and that includes if Satan was some how involved. He created him. To not just admit he messed up himself at some point is a cop out that only a God of complete control over your destiny can pull. If you don't allow his cop out or you question it you risk being thrust into hell. It's a great game of fearing questioning any action or lack of action this almighty God is associated with and it doesn't exactly sound very loving to me but I don't think we are suppose to go this deep in analyzing God. We are suppose to look at pretty angelic pictures painted or drawn by artists who have never seen him or his son. They depict an illusion and for some reason there is an avoidance of the obvious. If God were a parent here on earth and we heard him threaten his children the way this God threatens each of us for simply not worshiping him we'd be calling to remove the child from his pressence and we'd lock him away with all that nonsense about sending them to hell to be tortured for eternity if they don't do as he says.

No God of true mercy could keep hammering away at the same person year after year decade after decade just to test their faith in him. It would be grotesque. He'd never put up with that type of treatment if it were him on the receiving end. Yet, I have to deal with the thought that this God just didn't care if my mom physically suffered almost her entire life on this earth. It's a gross thought because had she been allowed a physically healthy "normal" life at some point when disease came much later I'd be able to handle this much better. If he'd even handed her some extraordinary circumstance where she wasn't struggling with every thing it would have been different. To see her entire life now it's disgusting what he gave to her and dared to call it a life where she was forced to find joy in things and situations that at times were next to nothing while some slob of a human being is granted the keys to a full healthy lavish life.

I just don't think he gets us. I think he thinks about himself. How he benefits. What he gets out of the situation. I don't think he could last a day as nothing more then just a human being. To give up the role of almighty God would be impossible to him in his thought process. He might consider it awful to ask him to do such a thing. Thats how much he doesn't get us. I'd like to switch roles with him. I'd hand him exactly what he gave to us. Nothing more. I'd wish him well and I'd tell him in advance to never forget that I love him but don't come asking me for any assistance out of a horrible situation because it's not going to happen but please never forget while you remain puzzled as to why life is awful I do love him and I hope he loves me to. After he spends a lifetime of hell because he's never going to get what he wants but some times I'll let him get close and then yank it away so he learns exactly what his role was in life and then dies miserable and in agony I want to be able to party with him that he had faith in me cause that means a whole lot to me. Do you really think God would switch with me giving up complete power and control and putting his fate and challenges in life in my hands? Not a chance. He likes being worshiped way too much. He likes being in control. Lets face it, he loves being God. Who wouldn't? And God suffering with no power or means to get revenge? He couldn't even comprehend the idea for himself.

I have been listening to God or at least people who speak on his behalf for my entire life. I've respected that. I held out hope. What I got was heartache. If you could glimpse into my life your jaw would drop to the floor. It's so far off the beaten track even I am now shocked at what has taken place. All I've done my entire life is just filed it all away day by day so I could keep going fwd. Each hardship prepared me for the next wave of anguish but what an awful life to have to prepare for what you know is more anguish to come. outwardly you are a mountain of strength. Inwardly you are screaming why? I must have had some pretty bad ancestors if thats part of the reason for all the dispair, but I'm tired of paying for someone elses mistakes. Enough is enough. Apparently my ancestors were some of the worst because as mentioned above that human slob that has life handed to them on a silver platter and goes around causing anguish for others apparently had the perfect ancestors to be granted such joy. I see Gods fairness all over that.

So, from here on out If he wants my love and respect he's going to have to listen to me instead of me having to listen to him and he's going to have to have great compassion in understanding why I feel the way I do. My feelings are valid.

I've got a lifetime of disturbing images and memories with some laughter and joy mixed in that we ourselves applied even at the worst of times. None of which adds up to such a compassionate God showing his face all the time. We crawled through it trying our best. In some ways he should be ashamed at what some have to go through. Maybe he does feel that shame. Who knows? Could God be fallable?

I do thank you very sincerely for trying to explain things when it comes to God as you see it. I'm sure in your life you have found a peace by making this God your comforter. You're lucky for being allowed to embrace that. Some where during your life the scales of fair and balanced were applied properly and you were allowed to enjoy life on equal footing with many. You may have then been able to see your loses or suffering as a process that everyone "eventually" goes through so God could carry you when you "eventually" hit those times. For me, it's a bit different. We weren't chosen to live the life you and many others have lived. We were never on equal footing with anyone. "Eventually" for us was almost daily at times and it went on and on.

I'll find my way in life from here on out and if God likes me or is even amused by me then lucky me. I wonder if he is surprised I've endured this long through every thing. Could he? Not as some God but as me? I hear it was pretty rough on him watching his son go through some pain for a few days. How about being powerless to it for over 40 years and no one praising him or bowing down to him? For some reason I feel safe in saying it may have been just a bit much for him to take. The old Testament suggests an easily ticked off God who gets even real fast and in pretty drastic ways. Is he still like that or has he mellowed?

If God isn't interested in me I'm also real good with that. The same life time of certain not so good things that have happened has trained me well to accept that some are chosen for a less than wonderful life. Some of us don't get to even decide if we want to take the road less traveled. We are plopped in the middle of an ugly torn and tattered situation called the road given. We can't change it. We have to just hold on and ocassionally get a glimpse of what those other roads offer but we aren't allowed the privilege to travel them. We learn by lifes lessons not to even dream or hope for much. We accept our fate and ride it out. We perform for the onlooker who see's our life as very different. We assure them we are just as blessed as they are by convincing them we enjoy the simplistic things in life much more, but way down deep inside we are pulverized with dispair and absolutely exhausted by the horrible events handed to us. We live a paranoid life waiting for the next bad thing to occur. We realize what we really repesent to that onlooker. We are nothing more than a gross moment for them to say.. boy we really are lucky. Thank God we aren't them. Thats the role our loving God handed to us. Our dignity is limited and we know it. I've lived it all. If this is all Gods love he can keep it. God help the next family he allows all this to happen to. I'd like to hold them close and comfort them because I will know the horror all to well.

I miss my mom. I can't believe she's gone. She was my anchor. We were a team going through the same hell together. I knew I'd lose her some day but believed it would never be this brutal. That along with all the past memories of dispair he'd allow one final horrific memory to be carved so deep I'd see her being tortured to death. I can't believe he allowed her to endure all of that in the end but for as many times as I say those things I already know my conclusion will be the same as so many times in my past. It is what it is. Thats probably why he allowed it. He knows that will be my final conclusion. However, I don't think he realized the fallout. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive him. Imagine that? God asking my forgiveness? His ego would never allow that. So once again.. It is what it is.

cosmic_me said:

NoellesMom: You are doing
NoellesMom: You are doing something I am so grateful for. You've given me an avenue to release some very deep hidden feelings I've filed away and carry daily with me while I paint on a smile and continue to fulfill the role of strength so the concerned onlooker won't be disappointed or hurt that in reality there is a lot of agony behind all that endurance that represented hope to them. My mom was a role model for so many. She'd hate it if they knew in the end she truly felt abandoned and questioned if she'd been lied to. She wouldn't want any of them to lose hope or have to deal with feeling as if hope had been taken from them. So I can't share this stuff with them. Thank you for not being judgemental and understanding my anger. You are making a positive difference in someones life who needs to let some of this out. You offer me validation with those feelings. It's a gift. I am so sorry for your loss. If I were in control of life I'd never ever allow such grief.