Two years ago Today and Still here

jules286 said:

god bless you
Question ..am happy for you were u discourage at time did you have ups and down

For your question
Oh, yes, I was discouraged many a time. I, at first was resigned to the fate that they had assigned me, my death in a few months. I was staring at death in the face and I wanted to turn and run in the opposite direction, but it had me cornered as far as I knew, there was no place in which to hide or run. I made my separate videos for each of my loved ones, I wrote my will, I gave some of my most precious belongings to people that I knew would appreciate them(including my rebuilt 64 Bug). I smiled in the day, and in the quiet of the night, on many a night, I cried to my God, asking why, why, why?!?!?!? I screamed silently to the core of my being! Heart wrenching silent screams. I can remember those times clearly. I wanted to wake up each morning and discover it was a dream. I cried when I watched the end of "The Apprentice" because I knew I wouldn't see another Apprentice show, same thing for the "Amazing Race", funny, the little things I cried over because I knew that I would never see or touch things again in the next year due to my upcoming untimely death, all made me tearful.
I wrote my obit one day, and my last words I wrote was "she went kicking and screaming:"H@ll no, I don't want to go", because I didn't want anyone to write my obit with the words "she died peacefully", heck I wasn't ready to go, so why should I be peaceful about it and I wanted my family to know it wasn't my decision to say goodbye, it was cancers', that I didn't want to leave them early in life without a fight.
And I decided from that day forward that was my mantra, so I went out and bought new clothes, started college, planned my future, and if my future wasn't going to be, well, I'd be leaving memories for my family. My children when they would talk to their children would be able to tell them, even your grandma started college at the age of 52 and got a 3.7 GPA, so you can do it even sooner and better.
So that my kids have pictures of me, I now take them or have them taken, before you would be hard put to find a picture of me. I want them to know that I experienced JOY and much LAUGHTER.
So I had my six months of down, and my one and a half of mostly up (once in a while I get down about normal life's dramas)keeping happiness as close to me as I can. I now hold life as precious, whereas before I never thought about it.
I hope that somewhat answered your question.
Winter Marie