need some advice from neutral people..... this is NOT related to ec....

unclaw2002 said:

Chantel,I read your post
Chantel,

I read your post and could feel your pain as you wrote the story. I am sure you had many heartfelt talks with Lee about how much he loved his kids, and the trauma of custody battles. When I saw his daughters post on here I almost responded but then thought no not now she isn't ready ---- still feeding her anger.

So I speak from the other side --- my divorce was very ugly. My ex decided to take it out on the kids because I left him. I wanted to have joint custody, weeknight dinners, shared holidays, every other weekend. See my family always kids me that "I just want everyone to get along". Well my ex had other ideas and he really lashed out at the kids - he got so bad the court ordered supervised visitation and he acted out there so he got kicked out of that. My eldest doesn't want to deal with him, unfortunately she faced the brunt of his behaviour, but a few years ago my youngest wanted to reach out and seek some type of relationship with him. I have to say that this was after she had been in counseling and therapy and we had been in mother daughter therapy because she was one angry teenager. Anyway I was very apprehensive about the prospect of his coming back into our lives because he was so disruptive --- but I thought well if he really had changed then perhaps she could rebuild a relationship and if he hadn't then she probably wouldn't be interested in trying. Making a long story short --- he acted as expected and unfortunately she said she was relieved to have had closure and decided she doesn't want a relationship with him. But I know she is a little less angry and we actually get along better now that the "threat" of I'll go live with Dad isn't really what she wants. And I have to tell you my anxiety level was sky high as all the discussions, and arrangements to meet and phone calls were going on because I was so afraid of what he might pull. But I took a deep breathe and thought that I had to try and the worst that would happen is he would confront me once and we might fight but I wouldn't give him an opportunity for round two. I tried, but his anger kept him from having a relationship with his daughter. So you are probably thinking what does this have to do with me?

Well, Chantel you have such a kind heart and I remember how you reached out to Lee's daughter even though she had been very unkind in her post. And I know that whatever happened in the heat of the custody battle with his ex that Lee loved those kids and I am sure hoped one day to reconnect and have a chance to tell them how much he loved them. But you have a very angry person, who probably has heard for years what a horrible man Lee was and how he didn't care and those voices must just haunt his daughter. And now she will never have a chance for healing with Lee --- but perhaps if you are strong enough and maybe not right now maybe in the spring when the flowers are blooming and the birds are signing and there is more hope in the air you could reach out to her. I did have a thought --- you mentioned boxes of pictures of the kids that Lee had kept --- don't know if he made up books with captions he was so talented like that --- but maybe you could send her a couple a pictures (copies) with a personal note about a story Lee told you about the kids and perhaps send one a month. I noticed that Walgreens here in the States has a service where they make a picture book that you can create with a story. But I am thinking that if you soften her up with some of those memories Lee cherished you may be able to reach her or at least plant a seed. Maybe it won't make a difference, perhaps she will never respond but I have to believe that if you did this consistently even over the course of a few years that she would at least have a picture of who her dad was, how he lived and what his passions were.

Now to your question about Lee's mom - any change tends to stress out an alzheimer's patient. My father-in-law had it. But if you could be there and let his daughter see her grandmother it may be a way to reach her about Lee. And as horrible as this sounds even if his daughter says horrible things and upsets her she probably won't remember for long and the nursing home will be able to calm her down. So maybe try and have a digital camera to take some pics you can send her.

Okay --- so I gave you my long winded answer. Now a small word for you. Take care of yourself. If you can't take the stress and confrontation then wait. Right now you are going through the most horrible time in the world missing Lee and trying to figure out how to get from one day to the next how to live without him. If you can't handle the drama don't. Just know you are loved and you are an amazing person. Take care of Chantel first

Lots of hugs and love,
Cindy

Daisylin said:

follow up
Hi again, and thanks to all of you for the advice. I think my gut feeling was in line with what most of you suggested.

I will first say that for those of you who read and reacted negatively to the post on CSN that she wrote me, that one was as sweet as pie compaerd to the private message she sent me. I won't even go into detail, but she pretty much accused him of every possible horror that a man can inflict on a family. I know, and can prove that these accusations are all lies. I have ALL his copies of court documents, sworn affidavits from police officers that were sent in to ensure that Lee was able to get his visitation times, and all court orders relating to custody and visitation. There was no mention of any abuse or concerns in any of those documents. There were restraining orders on both sides, and no mention of these ever being violated, by either Lee or the ex. Mom has been poisoining the children with lies and anger for 20 years now, and that does a lot of damage to a kid, so I really do feel sorry for them, even though I am angry at the same time.

Anyways, some of you asked some good questions, and I will do my best to answer as well as I can.

As far as I know, the daughter has had no contact at all with grandma since she was a teenager. I think, when she was 16 she lived with Lee for a while, so she may have seen her then, but certainly not since. The actual separation of the marriage was when she was around 5 or 6 but I really don't know if mom was on the "milk carton" or not. I have no idea how the ex wife and mom got along. I know that they married very young, and mom was against it at first, but perhaps she softened up after the wedding. I really don't know, Lee never mentioned it. I do know that mom has an album full of photos of the kids, and had some photos hanging on her walls of the kids, when they were llittle. There are lots of smiling, happy shots of her and the kids, so yes, at one time, there was a nice relationship there....... but that was 20 years ago. There are no photos of the kids as teenagers, so I really can't be sure how long it's been since last contact, but a minimum of 11 years.

As for financial motives, I am listed on her will as sole heir, as well as have POA for personal care and property. The lawyer who did up the papers is a close friend of their family, and if there are any doubts, he would be supportive of her written wishes and see them enforced.

I received a note from my contact person today, and he told me that "there is something odd about her, and that she is being unreasonable and is not likely to ever see it clear to use me as a go-to to visit grandma." So, now I'm more worried than ever, I have no idea what her motives are, and like a few of you metnioned, why has she waited all this time to make contact? Surely she could have stayed in contact all along if that was her wish! Why wait until now, and be unreasonalbe and unwilling to have mom accompanied by an aide? I don't trust her one little bit at this point.

I was asked about who the support person is...... She is a lady I hired when we moved mom to the nursing home, to take her out weekly for lunches, appointments, outing and social things. With all of Lee's care and appointments, I often could not visit her as often as I would have liked. Mom loves this woman, and enjoys spending time with her. I trust this woman completely, and know that she would be very professional and try to make the meeting a success. I pay her privately, so if there were to be a meeting, I would have to arrange it with her in advance. I don't think the staff at the nursing home would get involved in such supervision. I was thinking they would meet at a coffee shop or somewhere quiet, as there really isn't anywhere at the home for a family reunion.

I guess that I have done all I can do to keep mom safe, I've changed her phone number to an unlisted one, and informed the nursing home that she is not to have any visitors other than myself and the aide. (She has no other family or friends, so it's just the 2 of us who ever visit) Of course, the plan is not foolproof, and anyone can slip into a room unnoticed, but short of hiring a body guard, it's all I can do. I feel sick to my stomach and keep myself up all night worrying about what the motives are and why daughter dearest can't drop her hostility for the sake of a simple email telling me when and where she wants to meet mom. That's all I've asked her to do, and only so that I can arrange for the support worker to be there. I have made it clear to her that I don't want to interfere, cause delay or create any issues. She replied by saying that there was no way that she would ever contact me for anything.

I have no intention of ever meeting her, it's one thing to sit in front of the computer for an hour, typing a reply that is kind, compassionate and without anger, but to meet her face to face, I'd probably slap her upside the head. I do have a lot of anger, and although I do know that it's unhealthy, I can't let go of it right now.... maybe someday. For a person to send messages like that to a anyone on the day of their husband's death is beyond my comprehension. I felt sick during the visitation and funeral, waiting for her to show up and cause a scene. Now it's all back again, same story, different location.

So, there it is..... from your replies, it sounds like there are some of you that have had similar family dynamics, and I thank you so much for your honest, heartfelt replies.
Chantal