I threw a pity party last night

kikz
kikz Member Posts: 1,345 Member
in Ovarian Cancer #1
and you all were almost invited but I decided to wait until I was a little less emotional to share my feelings. I previously posted I was bummed with my CA 125 result and appreciate all your supportive and reassuring responses.

I know going from 5 to 8 is not much but like one of you said it is the upward trend that terrifies me. The time before it had increased from 3 to 5 and that worried me. I was so hoping it would go down a point at least just so I could relax a little. My gyn/onc said he would not worry even if it went into double digits but it would be hard to convince me at that point that something wasn't happening, something wasn't growing inside me.

I have a tendency to overreact and I know I will calm down and assimilate the information in a couple of days. It is just that I like to have some control in my life and I feel I have no control over this insidious disease.

I work very hard to maintain a positive outlook and am always amazed that I am able to do that considering the statistics we are forced to deal with. I want to move forward like it will never return but I can't just put my head in the sand.

I had a horrific nightmare last night and woke myself up hollering. I was having some kind of scan to check my lungs and I was wondering if they were doing the test because they thought I had lung cancer. The technician did not have a nose and I wondered if that was caused by radiation which brought to mind all the scans and x-rays I have had. She suddenly started to freak out and a nurse came and gave her a shot. The tech got the syringe away from the nurse and began injecting herself. She kept wielding the syringe in the air and I thought she was going to use it on me. That is when I began hollering. I woke up weak in the knees but thought it was funny that neither my mom nor my son heard me yelling. I got up and went to the bathroom then my mom poked her head in the door and asked if I was crying out. Uh, yeah!

When I got back into bed I started crying and couldn't stop. I wanted comfort so bad and I missed having someone to hold me. I was missing the man in my life that passed away in 2007 even though we had a rough couple of years before he died. It was an all out pity party. Aren't you glad you weren't invited?

This morning I still have a bit of a cloud over my head and I feel hung over because of the crying. Maybe that's what I need to do; go on a good drunk.

Once again thank you ladies for hearing me out. I have a blog and I guess I should go there when I have such a lengthy post but you are my girls and I know you will all understand my ramblings. I can't really share with my family because I know it will upset them or they will not understand what frightens me so.

Once again, I apologize to all who are going through much more than I am. I feel like a bit of a weakling today but I am sure my strength will return.

Love you all,

Karen

Comments

  • Kaleena
    Kaleena Member Posts: 2,088 Member
    #2
    (((((Karen))))
    Sending
    (((((Karen))))

    Sending comforting hugs

    Kathy
  • lovesanimals
    lovesanimals Member Posts: 1,366 Member
    #3
    Kaleena said:

    (((((Karen))))
    Sending
    (((((Karen))))

    Sending comforting hugs

    Kathy

    Sending you a great big hug too, Karen
    Thank you for sharing your worries and fears and "ramblings" with us. Sending you prayers, good thoughts and good vibes.

    Kelly
  • carolenk
    carolenk Member Posts: 907 Member
    #4
    lovesanimals said:

    Sending you a great big hug too, Karen
    Thank you for sharing your worries and fears and "ramblings" with us. Sending you prayers, good thoughts and good vibes.

    Kelly

    I believe that dreams are a
    I believe that dreams are a way of working on our fears/issues. It sounds like you purged a lot of garbage and are in the midst of an existential crisis. What do you think the dream means? Don't apologize for your feelings. You are a good writer. Maybe keep writing and you'll find peace.

    It really does help to know I'm not alone when I get freaked out...oh, I get freaked out, too; I just don't write about it.
  • paris11
    paris11 Member Posts: 159
    #5
    carolenk said:

    I believe that dreams are a
    I believe that dreams are a way of working on our fears/issues. It sounds like you purged a lot of garbage and are in the midst of an existential crisis. What do you think the dream means? Don't apologize for your feelings. You are a good writer. Maybe keep writing and you'll find peace.

    It really does help to know I'm not alone when I get freaked out...oh, I get freaked out, too; I just don't write about it.

    Karen - it comes with the DX
    Hi Karen,

    I have had the dreams. I wake trembling - take an ativan - remind myself that I am a strong woman, and go back to sleep. What else can we do??

    Cancer is an enormous challenge - but we can handle the challenge.

    Lots of love - for tonight, SWEET DREAMS.

    Connie
  • Tethys41
    Tethys41 Member Posts: 1,382 Member
    #6
    Sorry
    Karen,
    Sorry you are having such a rough time. I completely understand the whole CA-125 fear. That little number is terrifying when it is going up. I dont' know if you're open to integrative therapies, but I've seen good results with Iscador in bringing that number down. I experience a drop when I started using it, and a woman I know who has had multiple recurrances over the past 7 years and whose CA-125 was on the rise and above normal had a drop as well after starting Iscador. Just an option.
  • jbeans888
    jbeans888 Member Posts: 313
    #7
    I agree, take an ativan it
    I agree, take an ativan it def helps. I also have been having weird dreams. I think pity parties are aloud, but just don't let it rain on your parade. You will get thru this. When you feel lonely know that by a click of the button you have all of us. I think your great and I wish I lived close by so we could chill or have a cocktail. :-)
  • LaundryQueen
    LaundryQueen Member Posts: 676
    #8
    jbeans888 said:

    I agree, take an ativan it
    I agree, take an ativan it def helps. I also have been having weird dreams. I think pity parties are aloud, but just don't let it rain on your parade. You will get thru this. When you feel lonely know that by a click of the button you have all of us. I think your great and I wish I lived close by so we could chill or have a cocktail. :-)

    I would have come to the
    I would have come to the party and cried with you. Next time post the invitation as "BYOK" ( bring your own Kleenex).
  • Mwee
    Mwee Member Posts: 1,338
    #9
    Please don't apologize
    This is frightening stuff. If you're up to it, why not get out today and do something frivilous and distracting. Here's wishing you sweet dreams tonight!
    (((HUGS))) Maria
  • TexanByChoice
    TexanByChoice Member Posts: 44
    #10
    Freaking out too
    Karen, I can totally relate to your post. I'm guity of the same fears. Thankfully I have not had any menacing dreams. like you, I panick when my CA mmarkers climb and 'specially when it more than double last time in only a short period of NED Granted it only went from 6.1 to 13.4, but I too get anxious and think "it's coming back". I'll continue in this mode until the 31st when it's rechecked, praying that it isn't returning. This is scary stuff, but I'm trying really hard to lean on my faith in God that whatever, He will handle it. I'm sorry for the loss of you husband. I also lost my wonderful husband in July this past year and I miss his way of making me feel more secure and sure that it'll all be OK. If it does come back, I won't have his strength as I had initially and after my first relapse...but I am not alone. I have God and special angels like the folks in the group.It's hard to face, but we can only fight this battle one day at a time, and try not to worry that tomorrow may bring us bad news.

    Hugs and prayers. PS If you gave a party - I'm in...but it will be to celebrate good numbers....look forward to yours going down.
    Shirley

    Shirley
  • Cafewoman53
    Cafewoman53 Member Posts: 735 Member
    #11
    Sorry I wasn't invited
    Hey I really appreciate a good pity party now and then. It is tough to go thru this as a single woman. Unlike you I have been single my whole life and when women post about their husbands helping them thru this I am a little jealous. The ca125 is like torture but we have to endure it I guess, there are women who have told their drs they do not want to know it but I am not that brave. Hopefully your vivid dream has released some tension for you and tonite you have a wonderfully peaceful sleep. You know you don't have to apologize here for anything and you do not have to be strong every minute of every day,we have you back for the times you don't feel strong. This is such an unusually cruel disease...
    Colleen
  • karen1951
    karen1951 Member Posts: 103
    #12
    karen...we all experience
    karen...we all experience bad dreams and really bad days....i too am stage IV...dx aug 2010...my ca125 has been going up 300 pts a week and is now an alarming 1078. i have a petscan next friday and will get the results the following friday. i'm scared out of my wits. i try to put on a good face because it seems nobody likes to hear doom and gloom but all the girls on this board understand.....so let it out anytime you want....we are all here to sympathize and understand....karen
  • poopergirl14052
    poopergirl14052 Member Posts: 1,183 Member
    #13
    karen1951 said:

    karen...we all experience
    karen...we all experience bad dreams and really bad days....i too am stage IV...dx aug 2010...my ca125 has been going up 300 pts a week and is now an alarming 1078. i have a petscan next friday and will get the results the following friday. i'm scared out of my wits. i try to put on a good face because it seems nobody likes to hear doom and gloom but all the girls on this board understand.....so let it out anytime you want....we are all here to sympathize and understand....karen

    I also would have come
    don't hole back..if you need us we are there for you. You have been through so much..frankly I do not know what I would do. You have strengh beyond words. We all need to cry and let it out. I also have bad dreams almost every night and they scare the heck out of me. Next time invite us and I will bring the booze and a cake...val
  • AnneBehymer
    AnneBehymer Member Posts: 738 Member
    #14
    come to us anytime
    It is hard not to worry anytime those numbers move up but we are lifting you up in our prays. Isn't it great how are minds work we want to get away from this fight just for a little so we go to sleep, hello it finds us there and oh what a dream it will be. I have had several dreams like that and I think it is our mind trying to work out what we are feeling but does it have to come in weired dreams like that. For the crying I have cried many tears in my bed well my relciener since I can't get up the stairs right now do to the pain. I want to share those tears with my mom and sometimes I do just not very often because I can see the pain in her eye and how she wanted to help me out and take the fear away but she know she can't. Come her and were can have a pitty party togeather :) you said you had a blog were can I find it, I want to do a blog I just don't know how to do one. I hope you are feeling somewhat better today have a great week and pray for me when you can on wednesday I have a catscan to see if the cancer is back could use all the prays I can get.

    Anne
  • karen1951
    karen1951 Member Posts: 103
    #15
    AnneBehymer said:

    come to us anytime
    It is hard not to worry anytime those numbers move up but we are lifting you up in our prays. Isn't it great how are minds work we want to get away from this fight just for a little so we go to sleep, hello it finds us there and oh what a dream it will be. I have had several dreams like that and I think it is our mind trying to work out what we are feeling but does it have to come in weired dreams like that. For the crying I have cried many tears in my bed well my relciener since I can't get up the stairs right now do to the pain. I want to share those tears with my mom and sometimes I do just not very often because I can see the pain in her eye and how she wanted to help me out and take the fear away but she know she can't. Come her and were can have a pitty party togeather :) you said you had a blog were can I find it, I want to do a blog I just don't know how to do one. I hope you are feeling somewhat better today have a great week and pray for me when you can on wednesday I have a catscan to see if the cancer is back could use all the prays I can get.

    Anne

    anne....we will all be
    anne....we will all be praying for you...karen
  • Radioactive34
    Radioactive34 Member Posts: 391 Member
    #16
    Pity partying with you...I
    Pity partying with you...I have a box of Kleenex and some Snickers...somedays we just need to cry
  • AnneBehymer
    AnneBehymer Member Posts: 738 Member
    #17
    karen1951 said:

    anne....we will all be
    anne....we will all be praying for you...karen

    Karen
    Thank you :)

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