4 am - Very Scary

Pam5 · January 2012

4 am is when I wake up with white hot fear. I get up and watch the sky,the rain, the fog, the snow. I ask God to remove the fear from my heart and, after a bout 1/2 hour, it begins to go away. That 1/2 hour seems like an eternity. This is usually the time I get answers to problems or things I can't sort out. But it's hard to connect through that kind of fear. Ayse sent me a poem about 4am by Symborska - so so true. There is nothing much good going on at that particular hour.

Wasn't it Scarlett O'Hara who said "There's always tomorrow"? I count on that I have an MRI and Pet Scan coming up and will have to go through the "WAITING"! That too is one of the hardest times. I'll keep very busy. Thank God I can work! Helping other people heal is the best in times like these for me. I won't be able to work for a few weeks post surgery and that concerns me - both financially and because I tend to go into my own head - behind enemy lines - if I'm not able to work or keep busy. But I can connect with all of you and my Andie and family and friends. That is all so wonderful.

Thank you for being there!

Love,
Pam

SIROD · January 2012

Darkest Before Dawn
Hi Pam,

It is always darkest before dawn as the saying goes. Perhaps when you wake up with dark thought you could read instead. It is a hard time but, feed fear is not very productive. Maybe go on the internet and play a game of cards or something that will distract you from fear.

I don't wait for results of scans, test and the likes. I go pick the results at Medical Records Department. After all these years, I understand my reports. I won't allow myself to be stress when action will cure it. I then read the report and figure out where "I" want to go or the questions that need answering and if more procedures are recommended, I try to jump start that the next day. Working has been a life saver for me too. I never stayed long down after surgery or any procedure. I took the time needed for healing, that is important as one doesn't want to take two steps backwards. While you are healing have what you need to keep busy and not dwell on dark thoughts.

Wishing you the best in this journey,

Doris

carkris · January 2012

SIROD said:
Darkest Before Dawn
Hi Pam,

It is always darkest before dawn as the saying goes. Perhaps when you wake up with dark thought you could read instead. It is a hard time but, feed fear is not very productive. Maybe go on the internet and play a game of cards or something that will distract you from fear.

I don't wait for results of scans, test and the likes. I go pick the results at Medical Records Department. After all these years, I understand my reports. I won't allow myself to be stress when action will cure it. I then read the report and figure out where "I" want to go or the questions that need answering and if more procedures are recommended, I try to jump start that the next day. Working has been a life saver for me too. I never stayed long down after surgery or any procedure. I took the time needed for healing, that is important as one doesn't want to take two steps backwards. While you are healing have what you need to keep busy and not dwell on dark thoughts.

Wishing you the best in this journey,

Doris

I dread the middle of the
I dread the middle of the night the most. so hard to be logical or distract. When i was in treatment i used ativan at night, now I get up and sleep somewhere else. Hugs

Minka · January 2012

Middle of the night.....
I have found that the fear I feel at night is caused by things I haven't dealt with during the day. I'll get busy, distracted, purposely try to forget...then at night, I'll wake up thinking about everything, mostly my family and how scared they are that my cancer will return. I am a spiritual person....not religious at all....but very spiritual with several philosophies I draw from. One in particular comes to my mind when I'm 'projecting my fear' of the future. It is the Buddhist concept of 'mindfulness'....staying in the moment. I can't change the past, I can't predict the future, I can only deal with this very minute. If I'm miserable in this very minute, then I have to ask myself 'what is my lesson from this feeling?' and move through it. We're all human, and we aren't made to be perfect. Another philosophy I love comes from Native American culture...'Always do your best, understanding that will change minute by minute.' I work constantly on forgiving myself for being fearful of things I have no control over. I wear something pink daily to remind me of my pink sisters and how they continue to struggle. I wear pink every night to bed so I can keep you all close to me. I have a pink Christmas tree in my window for my sisters who are no longer in this realm....I hope they see it and know I'm thinking of them. These things bring me peace when I can't sleep. Oh....I also play online solitaire...the MOST boring game in the world. THAT makes me sleepy.

Hugs.

GrammyKaren · January 2012

quiet of the unknown and the night
are an anxiety ridden experience. We face each day like warriors. People pass us in the street and could never possibly know what worries and burden we carry.
I know what you feel. I get my results from recent scans on Fri.

I have taken meds for depression and anxiety for many years now and don't regret it one bite. Maybe think about speaking to your physcian. Try to brave may cause useless angst.
Love and hugs Pam
Karen

DebbyM · January 2012

SIROD said:
Darkest Before Dawn
Hi Pam,

It is always darkest before dawn as the saying goes. Perhaps when you wake up with dark thought you could read instead. It is a hard time but, feed fear is not very productive. Maybe go on the internet and play a game of cards or something that will distract you from fear.

I don't wait for results of scans, test and the likes. I go pick the results at Medical Records Department. After all these years, I understand my reports. I won't allow myself to be stress when action will cure it. I then read the report and figure out where "I" want to go or the questions that need answering and if more procedures are recommended, I try to jump start that the next day. Working has been a life saver for me too. I never stayed long down after surgery or any procedure. I took the time needed for healing, that is important as one doesn't want to take two steps backwards. While you are healing have what you need to keep busy and not dwell on dark thoughts.

Wishing you the best in this journey,

Doris

Waiting for a test and for
Waiting for a test and for the results can keep any of us awake all night. There is so much anxiety and stress concerning them. I'm sorry Pam that you're having trouble. I know that when I've had trouble sleeping, I do take a sleeping pill prescribed by my doctor and it helps. Perhaps something like that could help you too.

Hugs to you,

Debby

WJGardner_Dec2009 · January 2012

4am wake up
I also wake at about 4am thinking what life has in store for me. My mind just wonders and races. I hate it. Last night I just got up and watched TV. That is not so easy with work the next day. Work does help though. I have been waiting for biopsy result for two weeks now. All kind of thoughts go through my mind. Wish I had a solution for you and myself.

All the best
Wanda

WJGardner_Dec2009 · January 2012

Minka said:
Middle of the night.....
I have found that the fear I feel at night is caused by things I haven't dealt with during the day. I'll get busy, distracted, purposely try to forget...then at night, I'll wake up thinking about everything, mostly my family and how scared they are that my cancer will return. I am a spiritual person....not religious at all....but very spiritual with several philosophies I draw from. One in particular comes to my mind when I'm 'projecting my fear' of the future. It is the Buddhist concept of 'mindfulness'....staying in the moment. I can't change the past, I can't predict the future, I can only deal with this very minute. If I'm miserable in this very minute, then I have to ask myself 'what is my lesson from this feeling?' and move through it. We're all human, and we aren't made to be perfect. Another philosophy I love comes from Native American culture...'Always do your best, understanding that will change minute by minute.' I work constantly on forgiving myself for being fearful of things I have no control over. I wear something pink daily to remind me of my pink sisters and how they continue to struggle. I wear pink every night to bed so I can keep you all close to me. I have a pink Christmas tree in my window for my sisters who are no longer in this realm....I hope they see it and know I'm thinking of them. These things bring me peace when I can't sleep. Oh....I also play online solitaire...the MOST boring game in the world. THAT makes me sleepy. Hugs.

Well put
What you stated is so true. It's the unknown that is hard to cope with for me. But I work on keeping positive. I am very active with the ACS Relay for Life in our town. Been Relaying for 13 years and now I am the Event Chair, big task but it is worth it to find the cure for all cancer. I started out doing it for those I knew and lost to cancer. Never thinking it would be me some day.

Keep the Hope
Wanda

ellenm4 · January 2012

fear of the unknown
Fear is nothing more than a Dark Room full of Negatives. We all fear this unknown. We must develope these negatives in order to turn on the light and see what is ahead of us. Sorry to say that we may never be able to do this, but if you are right with God and know that he will take care of you no matter what may come...it does get a little easier. As the song says, "Jesus Take The Wheel". Let him take the wheel of your life and drive you down this road. Is it scary.....HELL YES! But in your heart you will start feeling peace and with this the stress starts going away. Stress causes a lot of problems.

Hope all gets better with you as time goes along. Keep us informed.

Ellen
In peace you will find love, with both you will find eternity!

Different Ballgame · January 2012

There are positives
Dear Pam,

There is a positive. After 1/2 hour your fear begins to go away. What can you do in the first 1/2 hour? Ayse sent you a poem which comforted you. What about finding more literature to read during that first 1/2 hour. There is so much literature available to us to meet every need that we have. Maybe there is something you want to learn about (non-medical). Possibly reading jokes could make you laugh. What about crossroad puzzles...that's real concentration. I started, for the fun of it, doing "hangman puzzle" that comes to my webpage. I find it relaxing.

The WAITING is the curse of cancer. None of us are spared. Keep your mind busy, do yoga, exercise, journal, do fun things...whatever will occupy your mind to get you through the WAITING.

Lots of Hugs,
Janelle

Pam5 · January 2012

Different Ballgame said:
There are positives
Dear Pam,

There is a positive. After 1/2 hour your fear begins to go away. What can you do in the first 1/2 hour? Ayse sent you a poem which comforted you. What about finding more literature to read during that first 1/2 hour. There is so much literature available to us to meet every need that we have. Maybe there is something you want to learn about (non-medical). Possibly reading jokes could make you laugh. What about crossroad puzzles...that's real concentration. I started, for the fun of it, doing "hangman puzzle" that comes to my webpage. I find it relaxing.

The WAITING is the curse of cancer. None of us are spared. Keep your mind busy, do yoga, exercise, journal, do fun things...whatever will occupy your mind to get you through the WAITING.

Lots of Hugs,
Janelle

great suggestions!
Thank you all so much for your suggestions. I will try them. I have been reading Depak Chopra's "Reinventing The Body, Resurrecting The Soul". That book has helped a lot. I need to get up and not just lie there with my head racing into the black hole. I'm surprised at what a toll these last two chemos have taken on me. I can't believe the exhaustion. I do know it will pass and I will be led out of this tunnel. Thank you all so much for your help.

Hugs
Pam

DianeBC · January 2012

Pam5 said:
great suggestions!
Thank you all so much for your suggestions. I will try them. I have been reading Depak Chopra's "Reinventing The Body, Resurrecting The Soul". That book has helped a lot. I need to get up and not just lie there with my head racing into the black hole. I'm surprised at what a toll these last two chemos have taken on me. I can't believe the exhaustion. I do know it will pass and I will be led out of this tunnel. Thank you all so much for your help.

Hugs
Pam

I am glad that the book is
I am glad that the book is helping you Pam. And, I am so sorry that your chemo is taking such a toll on you. Get as much rest as you can and know that we're here for you.

Hugs, Diane

4 am - Very Scary

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