My precious mom died Dec 14th of pancreatic cancer. I can't beleive.

Thank you for the kind words
Thank you for the kind words of support. It's now been just one week and two days. I've quickly learned how to "fake it" in public by appearing very put together when someone offers sympathy or empathy. There is no way I'm going to lose it in front of anyone. I'm more inclined to console them for their sad feelings. It's a bit ironic I guess but it keeps me in protective mode as to my own emotions.

I never really thought the word "unbearable" truly applied to anyone in life. Although things are hard some how we deal and move fwd. At least thats what I grew up believing given the unique life I've lived where daily challenges were at times pretty hard. However, I've finally learned that the word "unbearable" does exist in the form of loss.

I find this loss so unbearable it actually takes great strength to get past those waves of emotion that hit out of nowhere. I've woke up twice now feeling as if I'm going to vomit and my heart is racing. I know they are panic attacks so I just take a deep breath and endure until they pass. Great way to start the day.

I can't linger in those feelings too long because it really is overwhelming to embrace how final her death is. On the flip side there are moments I almost feel manic when I find something to occupy my mind. Suddenly it feels as if life is ok when I'm busy and I'm racing as fast as I can away from the pain towards whatever task I've created for myself to keep my mind busy. For some odd reason I actually found positive energy in doing a ton of yardwork whereas most would hate the process. The sad part was that privately I was dreading when the yard was complete as it meant my mind and body would have to aknowledge all that anguish again.

I met with my mothers hospice social worker on Wed ( a week after moms death ) and asked her if my emotions suggested I was going nuts. She laughed but with great sympathy and said absolutely not. I admitted my complete disgust with God and how at least for now I can't see forgiving him for what he allowed to happen to my mother. Plain and simple he allowed her to be tortured slowly. I just can't forgive him for that and I feel definite about that feeling. I'm definite at this point that somehow he must ask my forgiveness for being way too occupied in wanting to be loved and adored while my mother was suffering. Even in his sons death he got to see him after that death and the pay off was equal worship so I can't see how he'd ever understand my loss that he allowed. Trust me I've thought this out in depth. I was told this feeling is very normal as well. I'm glad these feeligns are normal because I feel forced by God to hate him for this and it's confusing.

As Christmas approach's very quickly at first I had zero desire to be a part of it all but have now rationalized the most healthiest choice is to take a friend up on their offer to stop by their home on Christmas Eve for a bit to share some time together but with the promise that no one suddenly stops their fun and starts speaking softly around me and starts acting as if they don't know what to say to me so the conversation is empty. I do know my mom would not want me sitting at home all alone mourning her and longing for our usual Christmas traditions.

This next week is going to be hard. I've held off the funeral til after the 1st per moms request should she pass before the holidays ended. So many talks about her life and deciding what should and should not be said during her service along with selections of her favorite music and putting together a pictorial. I've hated the thought of doing this but know I can. Opening up and reading each sympathy card is so hard as people seem to have found the perfect comments to describe mom. She was an inspiration to the entire community. It's very touching to hear all the kind things. I hope her service will be exactly the celebration they all need to deal with their feelings of loss.

I'll also be finalizing all the paperwork on things legally. After the first I am going to begin attending a berevement group offered through hospice and see how that goes and putting my own personal life back together day by day. I long to hear her voice and see her smiling face. I'm never going to get over this loss but hopefully there will be an ease in the anguish as the time goes by. I can still hear her after I'd say.. "I love you mom" and her response was always... " I love you more " I hope she's watching me closely and maybe just maybe once in a while through a light breeze or something she could make her pressence known. Again thank you all for the very kind comments. They really do help.