My Mom has been sent home to die

JMulkey
JMulkey Member Posts: 32
in Caregivers #1
Mom was sent home to die three weeks ago. She is getting weaker and weaker. Her bowels are shutting down. The ascities are really bad. She won't let them drain her, because she knows the anemia will get much worse, and it's already very bad. I hate this. How does anyone cope with this? I don't know how I can do this with her. I'm so afraid. Afraid she will go without knowing how much I love her. Afraid I might say something wrong. Afraid I might have influenced her decision to go with hospice when she really didnt' want to. Afraid somehow the decisions I'm trying to make will do something, anything to make her sicker. How do you deal with all of this fear? It's eating me up. And I'm so incredibly sad. Last year, when we found out the first round of treatment had done some good and the tumors were necrotic, we were so happy, we had such a celebration. Now she's not ready to give up, she's not ready to stop, and it's breaking my heart. How do you deal with all of this? I don't know how to live without my Mom. Please can someone help me deal with all of this? She's so weak!

Comments

  • nempark
    nempark Member Posts: 681
    #2
    dealing with such a sad situation
    My dear: The same way you feel is the same way many people feel towards you, they will not know what to say to you. But I will tell you what I know about illnesses and death. I am from a large family and I have experienced many deaths and illnesses. The amazing thing is that you never die along with your loved ones or you never stay in a state of sadness. The Great God (Jehovah) has created each and everyone to be able to endure these challenges. Two years ago I was diagnosed with cancer and I fought and am still in remission. I never thought that I was such a fighter. Just this last October and November my sweet daughter was diagnosed with Leukemia and is now in treatment (I never thought that I can live through this, but again Jehovah God is giving me the strength to endure. When my dearest mom and dad passed away, the same thing I never thought I can live a normal live again. I grieved and grieved and cried and cried and eventually I healed I never forget but I have learned by myself to move on. This is how we are created. So I do understand how you are feeling and how sad you are just love mom more and more, touch her, massage her, tell her how much you love her and don't forget to tell her that you are okay, because she will be worrying about you. May our Great God give you strength and health to be able to take care of your mom and yourself at this most challenging time. Please keep us updated. My best wishes for you and mom. J
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #3
    the fear comes and goes
    Hey sister, our mothers are on the same track. Three days ago the walker gave way to wheelchair, and I think a hospital bed will be needed by the end of the week. Some fear comes with the territory (is she breathing, is she comfortable?) but you gotta let the rest go. You didn't do any of this. You are only a force for good, hon. Keep your chin up.

    Yesterday mom said she was stunned to know she was dying yet didn't feel terrible, actually felt okay. I think this means we (the entire family*hospice team) are being successful at our task. I hope the same for you.
  • plhamby
    plhamby Member Posts: 7
    #4
    Barbara53 said:

    the fear comes and goes
    Hey sister, our mothers are on the same track. Three days ago the walker gave way to wheelchair, and I think a hospital bed will be needed by the end of the week. Some fear comes with the territory (is she breathing, is she comfortable?) but you gotta let the rest go. You didn't do any of this. You are only a force for good, hon. Keep your chin up.

    Yesterday mom said she was stunned to know she was dying yet didn't feel terrible, actually felt okay. I think this means we (the entire family*hospice team) are being successful at our task. I hope the same for you.

    Fear
    I take care of my sister. The only way that I can deal with the fear of "Am I doing what is best for my sister?" is to pray. I ask God everyday to guide me through this. I pray and serch my sole until I feel comfortable with the things I have to do for her. She can no longer read or speak for herself. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
    Paula
  • JackieA
    JackieA Member Posts: 150
    #5
    plhamby said:

    Fear
    I take care of my sister. The only way that I can deal with the fear of "Am I doing what is best for my sister?" is to pray. I ask God everyday to guide me through this. I pray and serch my sole until I feel comfortable with the things I have to do for her. She can no longer read or speak for herself. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
    Paula

    Dear JM---You did great
    by reaching out to someone. I can tell you that last year this time I had those same fears. My mother did not want to die. It was so hard for me to watch her. There were days I cried and days I laughed still, days of stregnth and days of weakness. What you are going through is every bit of normal. Continue you to just be there. Pray for strength. Our minds and bodies can take more than we will ever know. Hug her, love on her like never before. I lost my mother in January '11. This year I am going through the same with my husband-43 years old. I watch him daily with weakness. I am so confused some days. Some days he seems to be on his last leg, then suddenly he is up talking..etc. So I take every day as it comes. I had to learn that. Hang in there. Praying with you and want you to know that though it is hard, your strength will come.
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #6
    JackieA said:

    Dear JM---You did great
    by reaching out to someone. I can tell you that last year this time I had those same fears. My mother did not want to die. It was so hard for me to watch her. There were days I cried and days I laughed still, days of stregnth and days of weakness. What you are going through is every bit of normal. Continue you to just be there. Pray for strength. Our minds and bodies can take more than we will ever know. Hug her, love on her like never before. I lost my mother in January '11. This year I am going through the same with my husband-43 years old. I watch him daily with weakness. I am so confused some days. Some days he seems to be on his last leg, then suddenly he is up talking..etc. So I take every day as it comes. I had to learn that. Hang in there. Praying with you and want you to know that though it is hard, your strength will come.

    good to see you
    Jackie, just wanted to say it's good to see you, I've missed you. Thinking about you and your struggles, lots of prayer too.
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #7
    Hospice Time
    This is a very hard time. I lost my husband to cancer a little over two years ago. Those last few weeks had both their difficult, beyond difficult, and their good days. Yes, we even had good days. In fact, one of my best memories happened just about a week before he passed. We cried together and we laughed together. We shared memories and said I love you a lot. Yes, fear is a part of this. I made use of the 24/7 hospice line often. I second guessed myself and everything I did. Remember that hospice is there for you, too. Call or write down questions for when they are there. Share good memories with your Mom. My husband fought the good fight for 6 years with many ups and lots of downs. He accepted that there was nothing more to do, but that was not easy for him. He had a very strong faith that helped him but he hated losing all his strength. Hang in there. Take this time one hour, or sometimes, one minute at a time. You have more strength than you know. Don't try to be too strong, though. There is nothing wrong with tears and venting. Hugs, Fay
  • 3Mana
    3Mana Member Posts: 811
    #8
    Tell her you love her
    I'm so sorry you have to go through this. We've all dealt with this horrible time of our lives where we have to watch a loved one die. They are the hardest days of our life, and although they are horrible, we will make it through. Stay strong & remember we're all here for you when you need to talk. "Carole"
  • tllcaregiver
    tllcaregiver Member Posts: 10
    #9
    3Mana said:

    Tell her you love her
    I'm so sorry you have to go through this. We've all dealt with this horrible time of our lives where we have to watch a loved one die. They are the hardest days of our life, and although they are horrible, we will make it through. Stay strong & remember we're all here for you when you need to talk. "Carole"

    you are doing everything right
    there is no simple way out of the situation you are in. you have so much on you. Watching a loved one suffer and seeing the pain and troubles and knowing the end result is stressful and will take over your mind and soul.
    I read your letter and I thought, what a good daughter she is. So kind and loving and so worried about what you are doing and if its right. I think your mother raised a warm and loving woman and I am so sorry your time with her is limited.
    My advice tell her all you feel all you want her to know and all you can think of and enjoy every second of her life with her as best you can. I know this is not going to erase the pain but try not to get too far ahead of yourself . Don't wonder about the how. Just live in the moments you have with her now.

    I lost my grandmother to cancer in 1994. I never even had time to think when she passed. It was so sudden. She raised me like her own and I was only 18 at the time. I will spend a lifetime wondering about what I could have said and done differently. Just make each moment count. You won't believe how strong you will be through all of this and how when the time comes you will be able to handle it. Cry , let it out and keep talking and writing here.
  • LeeandShirley
    LeeandShirley Member Posts: 122 Member
    #10
    Mom sent home to die
    When I read your post, I thought of the quote from the Franklin Delano Roosevelt inaugural speech. "We have nothing to fear, but fear itself". I know this is just a political rhetoric, but it brought a nation through the "Great Depression" and is still food for thought. Fear feeds itself. It causes issues of doubt and stress. Most of your problems with dealing with your mother's condition, seems to stem directly from the fear that is almost paralyzing you. I am not a professional, who could help you deal with your fear, but, there are people who are and can. I would say a brief session with a counselor or a pastor or even a wise trusted friend would go a long way to help you face down fear. And then the real work of getting the important things done, setting priorities and just getting down to the every day job of being, and better yet enjoying being, the good daughter you are, begins. It may be shocking for me to say this, but these are the last chances you will ever have to enjoy time with your mother. Don't be afraid to just be her daughter, that's enough.

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