Not too proud of myself these days....

cindysuetoyou said:

thank you to all of you
Thank you, all of you, for all the emotional support and for understanding how I feel about the dog thing. I can't believe how emotional I still feel at the possibility that we can't work out getting the puppy for David. Well, he will get it one way or another. It's just hard because even one day is a big deal to David. He can't get the puppy on the 8th like he was supposed to because the breeder has a vet appt on the 9th. She doesn't understand why one day is a big deal to David. I think it's because David believes that his days are numbered and he doesn't want to waste even a minute, much less a day. And he'll lose a lot more than one day if the NO doesn't write that letter.....

Thank you, especially, fortheloveofmysis. I think it's really unselfish of you to get on csn and take the time and effort to post notes. I really appreciate your offer to write a note to help us get David's dog. I think of you often, and I have a lump in my heart, thinking of how hard the holidays must be for you. I'm still praying for you every night.

So my little patch of happiness was really short-lived. I had a lousy night with very little sleep, and then when I woke up, I had a message from David saying he was in extreme pain...this time in his knee joint. And he has a fresh, ugly, bloody red bruise about the size of a saucer on his left groin where they made the incision on the 17th to run that catheter up to his carotid artery for the BBBD. And he had some pain in his groin, but on the other side, not on the side with the fresh bruise. So I had the joy of calling the non-dog nurse again today. She was sweet and pleasant like we had never talked yesterday. She asked me if David had a lump in his groin...they are worried about a deep vein thrombosis or a clot forming where they went in for the BBBD treatment. David thought that maybe he felt a lump....but he was not sure. So I drove up to Portland to check on him. He was in so much pain from the joint issue that when I got to his place, I didn't want to make him get up. So when I got there, I knocked softly on his door and then let myself in (I have a swipe card and a key to his apartment building). I went in his bedroom and he had the windows open. It was super cold and he had the blankets up over his head. I pulled them off of his face and for a minute, I thought he was dead. He was chalk white, and his face looked funny....kind of slack, and he didn't move and I couldn't see him breathing. My heart just stopped. I touched his shoulder and said, "David....David...are you all right?" I was terrified. He opened his eyes and my heart started beating again. He was really sound asleep because he had taken some Dilaudid for the knee pain.

He took the Dilaudid right before I headed to Portland so the joint pain was a little better, but his groin still hurt. I didn't feel a lump but I didn't like the way that bruise on the other side looked at all. I called the dr and they said that unfortunately, sometimes patients get bruises after the BBBD treatment, and that David probably bumped himself and didn't remember. I don't think so, but whatever. No point in arguing with them about that. And they think that the joint pain is from the neulasta shot that promotes bone marrow growth. I think it's from the steroids. He had that same pain once before, when he took steroids for a long time, during radiation and chemo. But I didn't argue about that either.

David has been getting those huge bloody noses again because his platelets are low from the chemo. He didn't have to go to ER for any of these things though, which was good because he absolutely HATES and DESPISES the ER. I got lunch for him and he was able to get to the couch so we ate together and just hung out for a while, watched some TV together, and talked a little bit about nothing. I went home a few hours later, and I called him to see how he was doing, and he said his knee is much better, but his groin was a lot worse. I am going to drive back up to Portland tomorrow and take him to the dr if he is not better.

Today David told me that he decided not to go back to school next term. Between the massive bloody noses, the bruising and the groin pain, and then the knee pain, he doesn't think he can handle school. I said that I thought it would be better to wait until the weather was better etc. and I acted all positive about that decision, but my heart breaks for him. There goes that little bit of hope that he had. I noticed (and so did some of my friends ) that David's FB posts have been different lately. Not positive like he's been all along. Lately he has been saying things like, "Now a bloody nose? WTH!" and "Extreme joint pain now? When is enough, enough?" I don't blame him at all for feeling like this...but it greatly concerns me. He told his cousin on Thanksgiving that he did not remember what it felt like to not feel sick. He can't remember when he actually felt good. It makes me so sad. I'm back to crying all the time.

I'm sorry for being so negative. I know that things could be a lot, lot worse. I need to try harder to get back on top of my emotions.

Love and blessings,
Cindy in Salem, OR

KMPonder said:

I cannot blame you one bit
I cannot blame you one bit for reacting the way you did. We had an 11-month old puppy when my husband was diagnosed. That dog meant so much through his treatment and in the last days of his life. Since he had gone blind I would put her in his lap, and even when his mind failed him near the very end and he was so tired and frail, he could stroke that dog and feel that bond they had developed. That dog will mean everything to David.

Forgive yourself. You are right. You are a mother. You know what your son needs.

I am 3 1/2 months into widowhood and survived my first Thanksgiving without the love of my life. I am traveling and doing pretty well, considering the difficulty of missing his wonderful presence. His spirit is here with me...always.

God bless you!