Dumb things people say to you.....

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  • zinniemay
    zinniemay Member Posts: 522
    #22
    Ginny_B said:

    Zinniemay,
    I like your
    Zinniemay,

    I like your posts! You should post more often! I can't spell either, so feel free to post away no matter how you spell. What you have to say is important.

    THanks Ginny
    I think what everyone is saying is important. I don't dimiss any of it. Just sometimes as a caregiver and wife of almost 38 years I have heard it all.I know most of the dumb things people say they say hoping to give you hope. The biggest support I get is from all of you that are going down this road and know the worries and fears are so real, sometimes It feels like it can't be real. I just think you all are great support to me.
    I got the nickname Zinnie May cause a little girl could not say Ginny Mae (my southern name) se would say Zinniemay.THank you Ginny_B and all you have always been kind and helpful to me. I am ,if we can be truely blessed to have found this site.
  • ritawaite13
    ritawaite13 Member Posts: 236
    #23
    Daisylin said:

    How are you??
    I must have been asked that question about 50 times since Lee's passed. (probably even more than that actually) and what do I say the majority of the time? "I'm fine thanks, how are you". So stupid...... even as I'm saying it, I feel like an idiot! I'm fine?????

    Anyways, to add to the dumb things, the posts about nutrition had me laughing. We actually (no, I'm not kidding) bought a juicer for about $200, and tried to make cabbage juice. Kills cancer don't ya know! Oh, god help me, what a disaster! Do not try this at home. The house reeked for weeks, the juicer never lost the smell and the taste was absolutely repulsive. So dumb!

    The Juicer
    Oh Chantal, I bought one of those too!!! I tried making carrot juice - now that's what really kills cancer!! I even mixed it with apple juice because Greg loved apple juice - bad plan! I still have an orange stain on my carpet from where he threw that right back up! The orange stain is very close to the red one from the cherry gatorade mixed with greens. WTH was I thinking?? Thankfully after Greg passed, my daughter thought she could make use of it so it now resides at her house. I don't think she's actually used it yet but who cares, at least It's not taking up space at mine and reminding me of some of my more feeble attempts at curing my husband. Gotta love it, right?
  • Ginny_B
    Ginny_B Member Posts: 532
    #24
    zinniemay said:

    THanks Ginny
    I think what everyone is saying is important. I don't dimiss any of it. Just sometimes as a caregiver and wife of almost 38 years I have heard it all.I know most of the dumb things people say they say hoping to give you hope. The biggest support I get is from all of you that are going down this road and know the worries and fears are so real, sometimes It feels like it can't be real. I just think you all are great support to me.
    I got the nickname Zinnie May cause a little girl could not say Ginny Mae (my southern name) se would say Zinniemay.THank you Ginny_B and all you have always been kind and helpful to me. I am ,if we can be truely blessed to have found this site.

    Ginny Mae!
    I'm Ginny - short for Virginia. Hubby and I will be married 40 years this coming July. He has been a great help and support to me with mom's cancer. He just had leg surgery a week ago and came through like a trooper.

    My mom had a nickname too: DamMa. My son couldn't say grandma.

    Take care, Zinnie May - love your name!
  • AngieD
    AngieD Member Posts: 493
    #25
    Ginny_B said:

    Well gosh... what can I say?
    Well gosh... what can I say? I'll just put thoughts on "paper" with no segue. Re"How are you" - I think they want to hear responses like: I'm a wreck, or I'm lost in a fog, or who knows. I think How are you is a mere formality in the face of not knowing what else to ask. Typically, if I hug a bereaved I simply say, "Oh honey, I'm so sorry."

    I have a friend I walk with every morning and she never asks dumb questions. She does allow me to vent and then says "I understand completely". She always ends with "I'm here for you even if you just need an ear." That has always been a sort of just right thing to say.

    I guess people just don't know what to say. I'm sort of always at a loss for words. I certainly would hate to hear someone say I looked like *&^% or that my mom looked terrible. In a sense, there probably just isn't a correct thing to say or ask -- is there?

    Trave; Ahh... now this is (hard to write this as I set here cheering for USC 31-14 over Oregon)... ok travel. I would be the first one to say travel! I love travel. There is nothing (for me) as relaxing and mind/body-soothing as being at sea, or walking down the Chance de elysee at night, or sitting outside overlooking a lake and listening to birds. This is probably like living in the movies, eh?

    Now that I see how my mom is faring with chemoradiation, I realize that there would be no way she could travel. I guess it's all about what the patient can physically do. I guess I'm rambling and not making any sense - the Trojans are looking hot!

    This discussion reminds me
    This discussion reminds me of one of the books I bought this summer when my husband was first diagnosed with stage IV EC: "Help Me Live--20 Things People with Cancer Want You to Know" by Lori Hope. She is a lung cancer survivor and the book is, of course, about words and actions that are most helpful. But, she also goes into some of the bizarre things people said and did, also.

    And, I have to chime in on the travel issue. Having travel plans has been a huge help to my husband. It's served as a goal, a motivation, something to keep his mind off chemo, and an act of faith. We recently returned from an 18 day trip between his 5th and 6th chemo rounds and he did and felt great! Walked and walked; ate and ate; and we both had a fabulous time for which we are SO grateful.

    So, I guess maybe, like everything else in life, people with cancer are all different. What is a salve to one is a scrape or a stab to another.

    Angie
  • jojoshort
    jojoshort Member Posts: 230 Member
    #26
    The cures
    The multitude of cures "if we would only try them"
    The priest who could lay hands on and cure cancer
    The medal from the overseas shrine
    The natural foods cures
    The alternative doctors cures

    And yet, I understand them all. People trying to help. I had my own revelation when my coworker's wife was diagnosed with brain cancer (4 months before we got Steve's diagnosis). I recall thinking "I wonder if she used the cell phone a lot, that's why she got cancer". Then when Steve got EC, it hit me that cancer can be a non-discriminatory disease--you can be healthy, you can do all the right stuff and still get cancer. Something in us wants to believe that there's a reason for this when in fact it seems to have little rationale at all. Why does a health nut like Lance Armstrong get cancer when the town drunk seems to go unscathed? And now I think that's what scares most people: the randomness of the disease.

    Chin up, all. We're getting through this somehow one day at a time, thanks to support from people who care.
    This board is a great source of support.
    Jo-Ann
  • Daisylin
    Daisylin Member Posts: 365
    #27
    ritawaite13 said:

    The Juicer
    Oh Chantal, I bought one of those too!!! I tried making carrot juice - now that's what really kills cancer!! I even mixed it with apple juice because Greg loved apple juice - bad plan! I still have an orange stain on my carpet from where he threw that right back up! The orange stain is very close to the red one from the cherry gatorade mixed with greens. WTH was I thinking?? Thankfully after Greg passed, my daughter thought she could make use of it so it now resides at her house. I don't think she's actually used it yet but who cares, at least It's not taking up space at mine and reminding me of some of my more feeble attempts at curing my husband. Gotta love it, right?

    coke
    I'm still scrubbing coke off my ceilings and walls from a well intentioned nurse who was trying to unclog the feeding tube!
    My grape juice stains and Jevity turned to concrete stains are saying hello to your carrot and gatorade stains...... lol

    Do gotta love it, but glad we are both able to laugh about it a bit. My stinky juicer is now at my parent's house!!! May they enjoy it as much as I did.
  • chemosmoker
    chemosmoker Member Posts: 501
    #28
    Daisylin said:

    Zinniemay,
    I'm not sure if you are talking about this site, saying "And lately have seen so many post that imply that better to say nothing at all anymore". I hope we have not said anything, ever to offend you, or anyone else. We all value each other's friendship, support, encouragement and love. If you feel offended by anything we've said here, I am so sorry. We have all vented, cried and shared our opinions to each other honestly, freely and from our own experiences. Sometimes the truth hurts, I know I've read some things here that have shocked and frightened me. BUT I do know that nobody here has ever posted anything purposely meant to offend others. I really hope you have not taken offence to anything we've said.....

    I agree, friends and family do tend to say and do things that make you shake your head. My favourite is all the people who offered to bring food over when Lee started not being able to swallow. They certainly meant well, but part of me wondered if they were thinking "Poor Lee, Chantal's cooking is just so terrible, we'd better bring him something decent to eat" lol

    Anyways, everyone deals with the grief of hearing such bad news differently, and sometimes we all say dumb things. If I had a dollar for every time I told Lee that "we are going to beat this thing", I'd be a rich lady.

    Be well (and Eric, if you are reading this......I'm having my coffee, CHEERS)
    Chantal

    good post I don' think it's negative....
    Coffee in hand and spitting out out as I laugh, and cry, with you. I miss him.
  • jgwright
    jgwright Member Posts: 242
    #29
    People who aren't in the loop yet ask, "How are you?" as a generic comment, not that they REALLY want to know, so my response is, "Well, all things considered, I'm doing okay." Not a lie, but its all THEY need.

    Friends, family, my students, and the HR department get a fuller update if it's needed. Family really does want to know. Here I am, this trailbreaker. No one in my family has had cancer, as far as I know. So my brothers and sisters and kids are concerned, not only for me, but for themselves. As I am concerned for them.

    As to grammar, one of the things I do is edit stories and novels in my "copious free time"(tm). But honesty and sharing are way more important than correct spelling and meticulous grammar.

    And as was said earlier, hugs are better than questions.

    --Jerry
  • cher76
    cher76 Member Posts: 292
    #30
    How's your retirement going?
    My example of uncomfortable things people say: I had retired from 33 years of teaching in May of 2010 and Rickie was diagnosed in Oct. of 2010. Many friends, acquaintances, students' parents, ex-coworkers, etc have run into me and asked "How is your retirement going?" or "How are you enjoying your retirement? Bet you're glad to be free to do what you want, whenever you want." How do you answer that one??? They obvious don't know about Rickie, so if I say nothing about it and answer "Great, I'm really enjoying it" what are they going to think when they do find out? But on the other hand if I explain the situation I always feel guilty about making them feel uncomfortable. It's a no win situation!

    I agree that people just want to be helpful but the majority just don't know what to say. I too am guilty of being such a person. Lately I have been thinking about the times I said nothing or avoided someone because I just couldn't find the right words to say. I realize now I should have just called them to say hello and that I was thinking about them. I realize now just how far those little words go to help someone through a rough day. I think sometimes people are afraid (myself included) of what the grieving person might say. You know that awkward moment. Usually I find that after I have made myself call or go visit that it wasn't that bad at all. Last spring one of my husband's longtime friends had just found out about Rickie's cancer and called to say hello and that he was thinking of us. Poor guy, he called at a very vulnerable time for me and I had a complete meltdown on the phone! Afterwards I felt so bad for him, I thought about how hard it must have been for him to call, and then I really made it hard. I ended up calling him back and apologizing to him for wigging out on him. He was so gracious and said no apology was needed, and I felt so much better for having done it.
    Cheryl
    wife of Rickie, dx Stage IV, Oct. 2010
    mets to bones and brain
  • Ginny_B
    Ginny_B Member Posts: 532
    #31
    cher76 said:

    How's your retirement going?
    My example of uncomfortable things people say: I had retired from 33 years of teaching in May of 2010 and Rickie was diagnosed in Oct. of 2010. Many friends, acquaintances, students' parents, ex-coworkers, etc have run into me and asked "How is your retirement going?" or "How are you enjoying your retirement? Bet you're glad to be free to do what you want, whenever you want." How do you answer that one??? They obvious don't know about Rickie, so if I say nothing about it and answer "Great, I'm really enjoying it" what are they going to think when they do find out? But on the other hand if I explain the situation I always feel guilty about making them feel uncomfortable. It's a no win situation!

    I agree that people just want to be helpful but the majority just don't know what to say. I too am guilty of being such a person. Lately I have been thinking about the times I said nothing or avoided someone because I just couldn't find the right words to say. I realize now I should have just called them to say hello and that I was thinking about them. I realize now just how far those little words go to help someone through a rough day. I think sometimes people are afraid (myself included) of what the grieving person might say. You know that awkward moment. Usually I find that after I have made myself call or go visit that it wasn't that bad at all. Last spring one of my husband's longtime friends had just found out about Rickie's cancer and called to say hello and that he was thinking of us. Poor guy, he called at a very vulnerable time for me and I had a complete meltdown on the phone! Afterwards I felt so bad for him, I thought about how hard it must have been for him to call, and then I really made it hard. I ended up calling him back and apologizing to him for wigging out on him. He was so gracious and said no apology was needed, and I felt so much better for having done it.
    Cheryl
    wife of Rickie, dx Stage IV, Oct. 2010
    mets to bones and brain

    I was at the beauty salon
    I was at the beauty salon getting a haircut. The only folks in there were the owner and my hairdresser. The subject turned to mom's cancer and the Q&A went just fine. Then the owner looked at me and asked, "How are YOU?" (emphasis on "you"). Well, duh. I couldn't respond. Tears welled and I just said fine and waved my hand as if to say no more questions. Fortunately I was leaving at the time, so I made a quick escape with words of comfort trailing behind me. Sat in the car and cried.
  • BobHaze
    BobHaze Member Posts: 163 Member
    #32
    Ginny_B said:

    I was at the beauty salon
    I was at the beauty salon getting a haircut. The only folks in there were the owner and my hairdresser. The subject turned to mom's cancer and the Q&A went just fine. Then the owner looked at me and asked, "How are YOU?" (emphasis on "you"). Well, duh. I couldn't respond. Tears welled and I just said fine and waved my hand as if to say no more questions. Fortunately I was leaving at the time, so I made a quick escape with words of comfort trailing behind me. Sat in the car and cried.

    I have a friend who died from EC recently
    Yup - a good friend actually said that to me when I told him I had EC. I had just had my EUS and learned I was Stage 1A, but still it seemed to me like the stupidest, most insensitive thing anyone could say. I'm sure he meant well...somehow...but, really!

    Bob
    dx 8/3/11
    MIE 9/23/11 @ Mass General Hospital
  • Ginny_B
    Ginny_B Member Posts: 532
    #33
    BobHaze said:

    I have a friend who died from EC recently
    Yup - a good friend actually said that to me when I told him I had EC. I had just had my EUS and learned I was Stage 1A, but still it seemed to me like the stupidest, most insensitive thing anyone could say. I'm sure he meant well...somehow...but, really!

    Bob
    dx 8/3/11
    MIE 9/23/11 @ Mass General Hospital

    Oh my. Talk about the WRONG
    Oh my. Talk about the WRONG thing to say! I guess they just wanted to sort of relate or something. Oh dear. That does seem to be a common thing for folks to say though.
  • MissusB
    MissusB Member Posts: 111
    #34
    Ginny_B said:

    Oh my. Talk about the WRONG
    Oh my. Talk about the WRONG thing to say! I guess they just wanted to sort of relate or something. Oh dear. That does seem to be a common thing for folks to say though.

    I get that ALL of the time!
    People feel the need to tell you who they knew that died from EC, and we got the same thing when Bill had liver cancer before his transplant. When discussing Bill's EC, my own mother (who was a nurse), said something to the effect of "if you're gonna have cancer, that's a bad one to have". One of my best friends told me I was being "dramatic" and said "Bill's not going to die". I've gotten to the point where I don't talk about it a lot because I never know what I'm going to hear. I'm sure people don't know what to say and I'd like to think that after they get home and think about it they realize their commentary was DUMB!

    On the other hand, I've also had a lot of people also tell me that they've had friends and relatives who beat EC, and those comments make up for the insensitive ones! I love hearing about the long time survivors, and that is a lot of what keeps us going!
  • Freida
    Freida Member Posts: 182
    #35
    Ginny_B said:

    Oh my. Talk about the WRONG
    Oh my. Talk about the WRONG thing to say! I guess they just wanted to sort of relate or something. Oh dear. That does seem to be a common thing for folks to say though.

    When I told a prof I might
    When I told a prof I might miss some classes because my husband had just been diagnosed with cancer, he told me he was just reading a book about how more people die of cancer than any other disease. Luckily I was in a stable mood that day and not one of my meltdown moods! In my head I was thinking "Really!!!! Really!!! This is your response!!!". Subsequently he did follow up by saying we should consider going to a major cancer center as his Dad was treated at a non specialized place before finally going to a major center, and going to the new place made a huge difference. It was good advice and when we met the local oncologist who did not fill us with confidence, my first words to my husband when we got in the car was that we were going to go to M D Anderson.

    My best support has been my friend whose infant son had cancer. I also got some wonderful support on an internet site I have been part of for years (nothing to do with cancer). I asked if anyone had experience with esophageal cancer and received so much wonderful support and advice including several anecdotal stories about friends/family who had survived it.
  • Daisylin
    Daisylin Member Posts: 365
    #36
    Freida said:

    When I told a prof I might
    When I told a prof I might miss some classes because my husband had just been diagnosed with cancer, he told me he was just reading a book about how more people die of cancer than any other disease. Luckily I was in a stable mood that day and not one of my meltdown moods! In my head I was thinking "Really!!!! Really!!! This is your response!!!". Subsequently he did follow up by saying we should consider going to a major cancer center as his Dad was treated at a non specialized place before finally going to a major center, and going to the new place made a huge difference. It was good advice and when we met the local oncologist who did not fill us with confidence, my first words to my husband when we got in the car was that we were going to go to M D Anderson.

    My best support has been my friend whose infant son had cancer. I also got some wonderful support on an internet site I have been part of for years (nothing to do with cancer). I asked if anyone had experience with esophageal cancer and received so much wonderful support and advice including several anecdotal stories about friends/family who had survived it.

    stranger than fiction
    Ok, I've got 2 of the dumbest things I've ever heard in my life. I waited a while to post them, because honestly, I don't know if anyone would actually believe that anyone could be so STUPID

    Ok, the first thing, when I was making phone calls the day Lee passed, I called his buddy to let him know. We chatted for a bit, and he was very upset and full of condolences. Then, as we were ending the conversation, he says (and no word of a lie.....) "oh, man, this is going to ruin my whole night" I actually got off the phone and told my parents what he said. We all started laughing so hard, we couldn't stop. Dumb or what??

    Second thing (again, no word of a lie) I went to my family doctor a few months ago. Lee and I shared the same doc, so he was quite aware of Lee's prognosis. He first asked me how long we've been married and then asked 'if I could do it all over again, would I?' I thought that was a bit of a rude question, what am I going to say to that one???????? No, I wish I never met him??? dumb...... but wait, it gets better......

    He then proceeds to tell me that on his way to work this morning he saw a squirrel on the side of the road that had just got hit by a car. It was still alive, but barely. He then goes on to tell me how he wanted to back up and run it over, to put it out of it's misery. (now keep in mind that this is while we are discussing Lee, and how poorly he'd been feeling) OMG...... I had no idea what to even say to him, so I just smiled and nodded, like I completely understood. What the heck was he talking about?????

    Anyways, I left the appointment shaking my head, and in a complete state of disbelief.... what a moron! Couldn't make that one up, truth is indeed stranger than fiction.

    So, there's the laugh of the day, enjoy
    Chantal
  • Cora11
    Cora11 Member Posts: 173
    #37
    BobHaze said:

    I have a friend who died from EC recently
    Yup - a good friend actually said that to me when I told him I had EC. I had just had my EUS and learned I was Stage 1A, but still it seemed to me like the stupidest, most insensitive thing anyone could say. I'm sure he meant well...somehow...but, really!

    Bob
    dx 8/3/11
    MIE 9/23/11 @ Mass General Hospital

    same here
    A neighbor once flagged me down while I was on a quiet walk, trying to just get away from cancer for a few minutes. She stopped me to tell me she heard about Keith and she gave me her sympathy. But then... she went on and on... how she knew 3 people who died from EC...went into all the brutal details of their death. This was about 2 weeks into it for us. Then she said "If you need anything, don't hesitate to call!" Ya..right... just about the dumbest, stupidest s#*t anyone could ever say. I wish people would learn that sometimes "less is truly more."
    Cora

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