Inner Focus...taking time for me

I haven't posted anything for a while. I've had a lot on my mind. Through the chaos that is our life right now, I continue to try and take some time each day for inner focus, relaxation and stress reduction.

I realize that the only change that I can control in my life is how I change myself, my thought patterns, actions, reactions and interactions. I cannot change any of these things in other people nor will I try.

My energy is best spent on myself, my daughters and my husband. I am empathetic and nurturing by nature and it is also my nature to want to help others. However, it is only possible to truly help those who want to be helped.

I have made a concrete decision to eliminate all things and people that suck the life and energy out of me and my life and that of my family. I am so grateful and blessed to have a husband who is supportive of this decision and is on board with the life changes we are together putting in place for the betterment of our lives and family.

I am sure that even through the continued challenges in our life, the coming new year will be a more positive and empowering one. There are only two months left in this year and when I look back at all we've been through in the last 14 months I realize I have learned much about myself, my resiliency, my strengths, and my weaknesses. I have learned much about compassion, loyalty, and about those who really do care. Many women describe how their cancer journeys show them who their real friends and true family are. I believe this can be said of any serious life crisis that any one goes through. There will be people who stand with you and support you unconditionally and there will be others that don't. What I've learned is not to take the later too personally. Those that choose to fall away from our lives during times of crisis has everything to do with them not us.

I am grateful for those in our lives who have remained consistently supportive in selfless, positive ways. For those who have without expectation stood by our side and helped us and our daughters through a very challenging and frightening time of our lives.

Though challenges continue, I am confident that life will only get better for us. I'm still fighting fatigue and some days are worse than others. There are days still that I have zero energy and can do and accomplish little more than the basics and having to nap during the day. I have had more physical pain over the last couple of weeks throughout the entire surgical and treatment site of my body. Nerves and muscle are still repairing themselves. Headaches are a part of my day-to-day, although have become milder. My digestive system is still not quite right either. I'm told this will all take more time. The lymphedema is still problematic and this is due to being run down. I've been experiencing horrible pains in my shoulder, elbow joint, wrist, hand and fingers. The stabbing pains in my elbow joint feel like an icepick is being driven through the joint. Sometimes the pain is so bad it wakes me up at night. However, I continue to get checked by my doctor and continue with the massage therapy. I can't imagine how much worse the lymphedema would be without it.

Scott continues to work hard and his workdays are long. He's been having to work over the last few weekends, this weekend being no exception. The unfortunate aspect of being on salary versus contract is he doesn't get paid any extra for all the extra time. Such is the nature of IT.

The girls are well and are looking so forward to Halloween on Monday evening. We'll be trick or treating with some of their friends and I'm looking forward to being able to participate this year.