Too much Chemo for the rest of life

my mother's story
Hi Jackie,
I'm so sorry to hear your husband has been stricken at such a young age. It is so unfair! I will chime in here with my mother's story, who was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer in Feb 09 at age 78. She had two complete chemo courses over two years, followed by a couple of hormonal therapies. After her last PET scan showed lung and bone mets, she elected to go with the medication that might impact the cancer with the least side effects. Also a hormonal therapy, the Megace gave her a good two months of holding time that's just now deteriorating. The Megace is synthetic progestone that breaks down into a steroid. It can only be used with terminally ill patients because it can lead to diabetes. It gave Mom and mighty appetite and the steroid effect upped her energy level a lot. It's worth discussing with your husband's oncologist because many forms of breast cancer respond to hormonal therapies, at least in terms of buying time.

One thing we have in common is watching our warriors losing their battles. Mom talks about death more and more, which I think is a good thing. She had no regrets about ending active treatment, because it's vastly improved the quality of her last days.

Good luck with this day, darlin. We care.

When is enough, enough???
Hi Jackie,

I don't have a similar story to circumstance outside of knowing that my husband's cancer is terminal and incurable. My husband was dx in June of this year, so we haven't been fighting this disease very long, but certainly long enough to understand the finality it brings. My husband was asked in the beginning if he would like to do some palliative chemo and was educated as to the side effects and rewards of extending life by weeks or months (depending on how well he tolerated the treatment). I stayed out of the decision as I knew darn well that after being married 16 years that if I weighed in he would base his decision on a combination of my thoughts and desires and his own, though I don't think he would have did as much internal soul searching if I had shared my opinion. He was mad at me for quite some time for not 'sharing' and after that time he came to understand my desire to 'not influence' his choices. The disease was his battle and the choices made would be his to carry the consequences of their impact, not mine. Yeah, I would have to be there to help pick up the pieces and support him in any choice he made, but that is not the same as having to actually endure the physical pain, the horrible side effects or the general physical battle of treatment. It was for him to decide what he could tolerate or not tolerate. I am only capable of being his cheerleader and helpmate. I did voice that I would support which ever decision he made. He did some serious soul searching and decided not to do the chemo. His thoughts and feelings on the subject were that he was well aware that his tolerance for pain and discomfort were low and he did not want to be uncomfortable for as long as possible, so he opted out of palliative chemo.

I say all this to let you know that only the patient can know when enough is enough as this is truly their body and their level of comfort. Your husband will know when he has had enough, and as long as he is at peace with knowing you will be okay with which ever he decides, he will make that choice for himself. But he has to know that you are truly okay with it or he will continue to make decisions based on both of your positions. It truly needs to be an unbiased decision. This makes for a peaceful journey or at least eliminates any feelings of doubt. We all want to make our partners proud and we want them to feel safe, though I do think that for some patients this comes at a price of sabotaging their own comfort level.

I feel your frustration with the issue and hope that you can find some balance in the situation. I will pray for peace and understanding for the both of you.

Hugs,
-Michelle