Been almost 6 weeks

Anita1216
Anita1216 Member Posts: 58
in Ovarian Cancer #1
Hi everyone-

Just felt the need to check in and reach out this evening. Mom has been gone for almost six weeks and I am still floundering quite a bit. Its been odd and extremely painful, trying to reach back into "life" and be the so called normal everyday. How do I let go of the first 40 years of my life? How do I move forward without her?

Memories are all that is left and somehow it feels unfair and just wrong.

She was so brave, so dignified and not once did she ask "why me?". She took it all in stride and to the end had hope for her miracle. Sometimes that hope is all we have and we cling to it with every bit of our being.

There were so many of you heere that wrre so kind to me and I know your prayers ultimately helped mom on her journey to heaven. She had so many people thinking of her and always praying.

The hospice she was signing into sent us a nice letter last week. There have been several thousand dollars worth of donations sent in honor of her. Wow, people made the effort to give so much of themselves and that makes me even more proud of her and her life.

I just wanted you all to know that my heart and continual prayers for recovery, NED, whatever it takes are with you still.

I am here, one day at time, putting a brave face on it all.

*hugs*
Anita

Comments

  • carolyn45
    carolyn45 Member Posts: 100
    #2
    It will never be okay.
    When my Mom died in 1986 of ovarian cancer, I never thought I'd be okay again. I was 39 when she passed, about your age. Well, I AM okay, although it has never been okay that she is gone. That's an ache that will always be with both of us along with the joy that we HAD such wonderful Moms. Like you, I foundered for awhile. That's only normal. Gradually the waves of grief will become gentler, and the memories will become brighter. Your Mom is a permanent part of you now. You can cherish carrying her in your heart and mind in the years to come. She's as near as the next thought. The loss of form is devastating, but you will become accustomed to it. Honor every step of your journey as you adjust to the physical absence of this pillar in your life. I'll be thinking of and praying for you.
  • Cafewoman53
    Cafewoman53 Member Posts: 735 Member
    #3
    Memories are wonderful
    Glad to hear from you, memories are wonderful but she also gave you the gift of life and the gift of your family. All the people who loved her are a gift for you to treasure.
    I have been stuggling with what I can leave to the people I love and I realize that the best I have to offer is my love for each one ,if they can love each other as I have loved them they will be alright. Reach out to someone who has suffered a loss when your Mom died I think in sharing your pain you will honor your Mother.
    This is what I hope happens to my family.
    Colleen
  • poopergirl14052
    poopergirl14052 Member Posts: 1,183 Member
    #4
    Cafewoman53 said:

    Memories are wonderful
    Glad to hear from you, memories are wonderful but she also gave you the gift of life and the gift of your family. All the people who loved her are a gift for you to treasure.
    I have been stuggling with what I can leave to the people I love and I realize that the best I have to offer is my love for each one ,if they can love each other as I have loved them they will be alright. Reach out to someone who has suffered a loss when your Mom died I think in sharing your pain you will honor your Mother.
    This is what I hope happens to my family.
    Colleen

    your Mom is with you
    I really do believe this. Look for a sign of her,favorite song,smells,butterflys..etc. This will give you comfort. I know the pain you feel. but when I look upat the stars, I know my angel is with me and I feel better. Bless you,,val
  • Cindy Bear
    Cindy Bear Member Posts: 569
    #5
    Hi Anita
    It's so hard I know and with the holidays coming it really cast a pall on everything. My mom has been gone about 2 1/2 yrs now. I was just thinking yesterday, this will be the third Thanksgiving and Christmas without her.. It hardly seems possible. You're going to have good and bad days.. just give yourself time to grieve, be patient with yourself. I find myself losing patience with myself still... when I have a blue day, dark thoughts... This site has helped me immensely. The wonderful caring women on the uterine and ovarian boards, and also there are boards for grief and bereavement and emotional support. Hospice I believe, offers free grief counseling... you might want to look into that. Just putting one foot in front of the other, breathing deep, and being with family and friends got me through and continues to get me through. Oh yeah, an occasion drink doesn't hurt either. :)
    Big hugs,
    Cindy
  • TiggersDoBounce
    TiggersDoBounce Member Posts: 408
    #6
    Anita
    I feel so sadly for you...

    They say that when you lose your Mom you always lose them too early.

    May your memories and all she taught you during your life be a souce of comfort and pride for you always...

    Hang in, you are a special daughter..

    Laurie
  • Anita1216
    Anita1216 Member Posts: 58
    #7
    TiggersDoBounce said:

    Anita
    I feel so sadly for you...

    They say that when you lose your Mom you always lose them too early.

    May your memories and all she taught you during your life be a souce of comfort and pride for you always...

    Hang in, you are a special daughter..

    Laurie

    I had more work done on the
    I had more work done on the tattoo I started for her back in the summer. Her favorite flower was a bird of paradise, so that was done today behind a teal ribbon that simply says strength.
    I still have to have some of the deep foilage finished, but it looks amazing (hurt like hell though..ick)

    I miss so many things about her, but I am trying really hard to remember all of the good times. She was a fantastic mom and I can only hope Im half of what she was to me to my own daughter. My sister and I are actually laughing when we talk about her, that means something right? You know at her funeral, people actually laughed when her antics were talked about. How often do you see that? I am proud of her, of the life she lived, of all of the people she touched with her genuine kindness and ability to take you as you are, no questions asked.

    You ladies continue to amaze and inspire me. If it means anything at all, Im wearing this teal ribbon tattoo for all of you as well. I am standing up and saying it loud:"there are other cancers and its not always about the pink!!!!" (I love our pink warriors, no disrespect intended) When people ask me why a teal ribbon? it gives me an opportunity to educate, to help women and men understand.

    Thank you for always letting me vent, for helping me understand and to cope.
  • Mwee
    Mwee Member Posts: 1,338
    #8
    Dear Anita
    My Mom has been gone for many years and I can tell you that you never let go. You move forward because of her. Your brave face will help you get through these early days and slowly the thoughts of the disease will begin to fade. You will begin to replace them with all the wonderful memories.
    ((((HUGS)))) Maria
  • kellyh33
    kellyh33 Member Posts: 287
    #9
    Hi Anita
    Everyone keeps telling me it gets easier. I am wondering when it will happen for me. I lost my mom August 17th, 2011.
    There have been a few times when I have thought i would call mom and then there is that "oh yeah" moment when I remember and i hurt all over again.
    I am not sad all the time but i have grief bursts when it hits me. I have a few poems that i have read that for some reason make me feel a little better. I know it sounds odd but it works so i don't question it.
    I am not a religious person so I don't buy into the whole god works in mysterious ways logic. I do believe in an after life and in heaven it's the inbetween stuff that i don't necessairly understand. I envy people that have that unwavering faith.
    I feel like we got short changed. Mom's mom lived to be nearly 89 yet my mom didn't even get to see her 68th birthday. How is that fair?
    I struggle with did i do enough for her? Could we have tried something different? Mostly, i think about the 7 weeks that my mom was ill and we all believed it was her depression and lifelong fear of getting cancer that was making her sick. How stupid we were to think that. What if she had gotten in to see a doctor earlier could she have been saved? It is something we will never know.

    How do you deal with the negative feelings?
    Kelly
  • Lisa13Q
    Lisa13Q Member Posts: 677
    #10
    Dear Anita
    DEAR ANITA,

    I AM SORRY YOU'RE IN THIS "I LOST MY MOTHER TO CANCER CLUB"...IT REALLY IS A TOUGH PLACE TO BE. I lost my Mom May 27th 2011 at 12:15am. I think about her everyday. That is normal. I want to call her, reach for my phone and think "this sucks". That is normal. I haven't removed her from my contact list in my phone. That sucks. I did realize the other day, I don't have to get her a Christmas Present.....I thought, well hey, I can save some money this x-mas....(joke)....Yes this is hard....it's also new. What I have discovered is that Mom's loss has shattered my world, and I have to put together a new life and world. I don't know how to do that. I have learned that grief isn't just missing someone, it's been a shock to my soul and my life. It is also making me confront my own mortality. If this can happen to Mom, then this can happen to me. It is so much to process. and it may be the hardest thing we will ever have to process in our lives. I have not gotten to the point of smiling, when I see pictures of Mom, I still cry. I have had a few laughs in my car remembering some of the times she yelled at me about the way I drive when going to and from chemo. Mostly, I miss her. I did read something yesterday that made me think about my future. It was a poem and there was a line in it that said, "I owe it to her to go on and live the rest of my life with vigor and joy, but mostly I owe it to myself to do that". ALthough there isn't much joy right now, I will try....I am so sorry for your loss......I feel for you through the board and am thankful for this wonderful place where mothers, daughters, sisters, husbands and friends can come and share their journeys....thanks for posting...i really needed to read it....and respond....
  • daisy366
    daisy366 Member Posts: 1,458 Member
    #11
    Lisa13Q said:

    Dear Anita
    DEAR ANITA,

    I AM SORRY YOU'RE IN THIS "I LOST MY MOTHER TO CANCER CLUB"...IT REALLY IS A TOUGH PLACE TO BE. I lost my Mom May 27th 2011 at 12:15am. I think about her everyday. That is normal. I want to call her, reach for my phone and think "this sucks". That is normal. I haven't removed her from my contact list in my phone. That sucks. I did realize the other day, I don't have to get her a Christmas Present.....I thought, well hey, I can save some money this x-mas....(joke)....Yes this is hard....it's also new. What I have discovered is that Mom's loss has shattered my world, and I have to put together a new life and world. I don't know how to do that. I have learned that grief isn't just missing someone, it's been a shock to my soul and my life. It is also making me confront my own mortality. If this can happen to Mom, then this can happen to me. It is so much to process. and it may be the hardest thing we will ever have to process in our lives. I have not gotten to the point of smiling, when I see pictures of Mom, I still cry. I have had a few laughs in my car remembering some of the times she yelled at me about the way I drive when going to and from chemo. Mostly, I miss her. I did read something yesterday that made me think about my future. It was a poem and there was a line in it that said, "I owe it to her to go on and live the rest of my life with vigor and joy, but mostly I owe it to myself to do that". ALthough there isn't much joy right now, I will try....I am so sorry for your loss......I feel for you through the board and am thankful for this wonderful place where mothers, daughters, sisters, husbands and friends can come and share their journeys....thanks for posting...i really needed to read it....and respond....

    Anita and Lisa
    I did not know your mothers but what a tribute you both are to them. That they were so loved!!!!!

    I think that what you are doing here now - talking about them - is honoring them so much. I wish I had the honor of knowing them. You are painting beautiful pictures of wonderful strong women. And they have left a legacy that lives on with and through you and all they touched.

    I say, keep talking about them and sharing all they meant to you.

    Hugs, Mary Ann

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