My Journey Through Anal Cancer (It's been a tight squeeze but it's opening up now.) ;) lol

Ann_i_ said:

10/17/2011
I guess I'm going to use this thread like a blog or a diary. I have good days and bad days, emotionally and physically.

Some things make other things look worse or make the whole seem worse. Or make me look at the whole and wonder what the heck is going to happen in the future.

Last week I started bleeding. (Dang leaky trash cans)

While talking to a good friend, I admitted it. (I was going to pretty much ignore it and see if it continued.)

She talked to me and we went through a list of my docs and who I trusted, and I wound up calling my chemo doc. I left a message for a nurse, nurse calls while I'm out, I come home, call the nurse back, she tells me the doc isn't in today and maybe I should call one of my other doctors. (I admit that the only doctor I currently trust is the one I called and that even if it isn't her area of expertise, I'd rather she be my 'go to doc'. She said she'd leave a message for the doctor. I gave her my cell number and told her I'd be doing some running around and it might be easier to contact me that way.)

I went over my mom's to visit because I'd be picking up my daughter in under an hour. I'm barely there when my cell rings, it's the doc. She assures me it's serious and that I need to call the gastro doc and if I'm not comfortable with him or if he offers me no good advice or can't give me an answer, I'm to call her back and she has a doc on call she'll direct me to. And also if it gets worse, I'm to get my butt -lol- immediately to the hospital ER. I assure her I'll call the gastro doc, and she tells me her office will also be calling his office. (I figured when I got home I'd call him, which would be in about an hour and a half.)

I hang up with her, my phone rings (seriously under three minutes later) it's the gastro doc's office, can I come in now? yeah, I make arrangements for my mom to get my daughter and her friend that I drove home and head over to his office. When his office is clear an hour later, he see's me. He brings out my chart, the one with the photographs of the Sigmoidoscopy (yeah, just what I wanted to see) and explains that bleeding is normal for me. The radiation damage is there and will be there. Do I want to do laser surgery? What? huh?

He explains that he usually has patients come in every three to six months with my problem for the laser surgery to remove the problem area. He explains this is now a 'life time' problem for me and I should expect bleeding from time to time and if it gets bad he can do the laser surgery to help. (Oh, awesome.)

And he suggested anal-ease (sounds like an awesome product huh) for the symptoms. (I bought Preparation H, close enough he had told me. Though I never used it. I deal.)

Think (or don't, seriously, you shouldn't.) agitated open sore feeling. (Itching, burning, uncomfortable...pft)

-----------------

Anywho, I'm still dealing with all the side effects, symptoms which are now, I guess, quality of life issues (but hey, I have life so that's good)

I'm still not addressing the inner walls shrinkage issue. (Yeah, I'm trying to figure out why this isn't a top priority with me. But it isn't.) It's just hard to think I need to get over a pain hurdle in an area that is suppose to be all about pleasure before pleasure will be there again. (At least, I hope it will, and I think that's the crux of my problem, I'm not sure it will.)

I'm left thinking, after last week, if radiation damage in the exit area is going to be raw and sore and bleed, what the heck is going to happen in the other area with friction and use? (Naaaa, don't answer that one, or even let yourself think about it too long, the visual hurts.)

And I'm wondering if the gastro doc will approve the colostomy reversal.(If the exit has open sores,what's the chances that having fecal matter there will be a good idea? Considering last time I wound up with abscesses and there wasn't even open sores then, that I know of.)

I can't see me able to live the rest of my life with a colostomy bag. (It now has to be adhered to me by using surgical tape as the psoriasis has gotten so bad underneath it that it doesn't have any actual skin to attach to.)

--------------
I can't help being dragged mentally back to where I am every once in awhile. I use to think that when my kids got old enough there were things I would pick back up and do again. That when they each could drive themselves where and when they wanted and needed to go, that I could 'pick my life back up'. (and I don't mean to suggest that I don't or didn't have a life.) But some things were put on hold to raise my family the way I wanted to.

But anywho, I always thought I'd love to go back to playing softball. And I didn't think being 47 would be too old to do that. (That's when my youngest will be driving herself, or around then.) I figured I'd join an adult league and play again. And I look at myself now and realize all those physical pursuits that I put off with the idea that I could pick them back up later in life, well, they just aren't going to happen now.

I use to watch some of the reality shows (more just catch bits and pieces as my husband watched them) and think, "Hey, I could do that!" Maybe I could, maybe I couldn't, but mentally I had thought I was physical able to tackle most of the challenges they had to face. Not anymore. I look at them and realize where I am in life and it depresses me a bit.

The arthritis has kicked in. (I had bad knees and a shoulder and an ankle) But the arthritis has intensified those, the nerve damage to my hips has not eased, if anything it's gotten a bit worse, not incredible worse, just enough to pretty much let me know it isn't going to reverse itself. (At least, that's my view at this point, who knows, maybe I'll get lucky.)

-------
I also can't help thinking that I use to believe in karma/what goes around comes around. (I won't bring up religion, I'm still grappling with myself.) But how the heck can I think about karma and the idea of people reap what they sow? What the heck did I do to deserve this? (So a life time of thinking the way I do is under question and I'm not sure what I actually think/believe anymore.) And I realize no body 'deserves' cancer. (So it isn't even a fair question to think in the sense of asking 'why me'.) Why me hasn't even been a question I think I've asked myself because it just leads to the question of why not me, or if not me who..and I wouldn't wish this on anyone else so I'll take what I have and do my best to work with it.

Good thing I'm not raising kids anymore though(I am, but I mean it's a good thing they aren't younger.) I might actually think about raising them more about grabbing what they can while they can and the heck with the consequences.
(But I haven't changed my parenting, that I know of. Because I'm still trying to figure out what I actually believe.)

Sorry, guess the whiner came out tonight.

I am grateful. I know it may not sound like it. But the massive pain is gone, and in all honesty the discomfort I feel now is livable and my quality of life really isn't that bad. (If I could just tackle the sex issue, this probably wouldn't even seem that bad as a whole.)

----------
10/18/2011 (My peers on the site showed some concerns as well as support, and I replied with the below.)

And I am grateful for my life.

And there are quite a few things that I count my blessings on.

That I am here. (When with my bullheadedness about doctors there's a pretty good chance that if a few people hadn't been getting on me about my health, I might not have had the nerve to tell the admitting doctor "Yes, I'll stay if you admit me.")

That I have several really good friends that cared/care enough to ride my back until I do what I should.

That I had/have enough friends to see me through any crisis. (No matter its duration, or what it involves.)

That my family rose to the challenge and didn't give up on me. (And that my husband did the impossible and did dishes and laundry, something I would have sworn he didn't even know how to do.) And finding out afterwards that he had a few really scarey days/weeks when he truly thought I wasn't going to stick around to make the rest of his life miserable. (Like I could ever give that up?!) And I never got that impression from him while I was going through treatments. (It was only afterwards when a few people who he confided in didn't keep their mouths shut around me about it that I found out.)

That my kids turned down events and friends to stay home, even if all they did was stay in their rooms. (I found this out afterwards.)

That although my thighs burn, they continue to work and support me.

That although I can't move my arms the way I use to, they can still hold, support, and hug a growing toddler.(even if they ache afterwards for a bit.)

Though I now have arthritis, the knees were bad to begin with, and the ankle isn't un-supportive of my weight, it just dislikes being turned oddly. (And it hasn't affected my driving ability) the one shoulder would roll out of the joint anyway and having the other now do it, well, it's not like I don't have a clue how to fix it or deal with it.

I can eat again.(Wow, this isn't as high on the list of grateful things as it should be. Seriously, foods important to me!)

I can sit without massive pain. (Something I don't think I will ever take for granted again.) I may not plop down unthinking, but I no longer have to 'think' about sitting. (Or just opt to stand.)

That I have one doctor that I truly trust and who isn't offended or irate that I've made her my go to doc, even if she isn't a general practitioner.

That even if I'm having trouble sleeping at night, when I do finally fall asleep, I sleep well. (If not long.) I don't feel lacking in sleep.

Oddly, I'm actually grateful for the colostomy bag. (The thought of going through what I did and being 'connected' through it all makes me shudder at the thought.) And having it (aside from the stupid Psoriasis and the allergy to adhesives) really isn't that bad. (My dad had once told me, way back when he had diverticulitis and a colostomy bag was on the table for him, that he would rather die than have one. My mom confirmed that he thought this when I was in the hospital and then came home with one.) Me? When the surgeon said he thought it was the best way to approach this, I never once questioned his advice, my dads words went through my mind, but I'm not him. And I wouldn't ever choose death when a choice for life was on the table for the picking.) And I wouldn't willingly stay in intense pain simply because some 'quality of life' might be sacrificed.

That I've been able to pick my life back up, and almost get it back to normal. (Yeah, I still won't carry laundry up or down the basement steps, and yeah, I still need to get on my family about doing that for me. But heck, I can carry my own stuff down there and wash it and they can all go naked if that's the way they prefer it.)

The chemo brain. It could be worse, much worse. Yeah, I've embarrassed myself and wanted to apologize for not thinking something through more before opening my mouth. (But mostly I think that's my own perspective of the events, I might come off a bit blonder than I am at times) I'm hoping I'll see that in myself as I go forward and be able to correct it before I embarrass myself and if not, I can live with embarrassment. (I just hope I don't embarrass my kids too much. And if I do, well, ya know, they could use a bit of down to earth reality from time to time anyway.) lol

I'm relearning to form mental associations so that I don't forget things that are short term related. And I'm not embarrassed to tell people that 'No, I can't give you an answer right this very second, you need to give me a few minutes to fully think it through before I'll give you an answer. And no, I don't think as quickly on some things as I use to." or maybe again, it's my perspective, that I don't trust myself to know all the things that are going to be affected by my answer so I try to take a few extra minutes to try to calendar-ize my days and think through commitments and obligations before adding a new one. (Thinking I'll miss something and have two things that need to be done at the same time and not that I can't multi-task, I can, but nobody can be at two different places at the same time.)

But, anywho, I just wanted to assure you all, I am grateful and I do count my many blessings in life. (And I'm sure there are more that I'm forgetting to state at the moment. Like my love for reading being still high on my list of loved things to do and that it's kept me sane at times.)

I wallow in self pity every once in awhile. Mostly when those around me tend to take me for granted or don't realize I'm still dealing with a lot of stuff and they act like everything is normal and fine and to me, it still isn't. But then again, it's a pretty good thing if those closest to me aren't realizing what I'm still going through. (Then I'm doing a pretty good job of picking life back up and moving forward.)

sandysp said:

Wow!
You gave us what I asked for. What a journey you have had. I found it amazing that you stuck to the physical problems and left what can only be left to the imagination, how hard it must have been for you to cope with all this without insurance. As if cancer isn't stressful enough and you have young kids! Thank you so much for taking time to share your journey with us. And stay with us, please. All the best and God Bless! Sandy

Ann_i_ said:

Emotional end
Thank you all for your welcome and your words of support. They are much appreciated.

As I was going through treatments and with filling in people with the updates to my condition, one thing I kept trying to remember was that the physical things were what I needed to concentrate on. They were things to overcome. They were tangible things that could be seen as goals.

The emotional issues that came, well, those were mine. I owned them and nothing anyone could say would relieve me of what I was feeling. (Though, I honestly thought I hadn't done a great job of hiding them completely.)

I know the saying, "A burden shared, is a burden halved." But to me, the emotional burden I carried, it just didn't sit well with me to share it.

The emotional journey of Cancer is in and of itself a whole different journey than the physical journey. And I believe, it really is one we each have to take on our own. It's personal and it's not something anybody else can fix or heal. It's something we need to take one day at a time and find our own way to heal.

Although, for me, I've never been one to find sharing my emotions easy. I'm a mom, I'm suppose to be the strong one. (Emotionally and physically) Being anything less, drives me nuts.

Though if pushed, and I dump, shoot, watch out because you'll get it all. (I so hate when this happens.) Hmm thinking about it though, (laughing, seriously) I didn't dump the emotional stuff, I dumped the physical stuff. (I cried though, and that helped relieve some of the emotional turmoil.) I don't think I know 'how' to share my emotional struggles. (Except through venting the physical struggles.)