Newbie-Can you understand me?

JackieA said:

Hi Best Friend
I totally understand what you are saying! Before my mom passed in January, I was having the similar feelings. It seemed like everyone else had lost their minds. Honestly, what is happening to your dad sounds like denial. I learned that each individual connected to the person that is ill will deal with things differently. Your mom and dad have probably been together some time now, and all he knows is her taking care of him. Well, he is actually having a difficult time dealing with it. It is called life, normalcy, interrupted! He doesn't know how to deal with the situation. He is hurting. I believe you are the strong one--- and the one who is not in denial and able to face what's going on. Go ahead and cry now. Sounds like you are dealing with anticipatory grief as well with all the crying. You are angry and sad at the same time. It is normal. We find out a lot about other people and ourselves in trials like these.

Wow! we had a very difficult time with my younger sister. She was in so much overacting-total drama queen. The other one minimized everything, and one (myself) was willing to face it, but had hope still. The other thought she was strong, but couldn't handle it at all. My brother, hung in there and took care of her until the end. So fresh in my mind.

Continue to be there for your mom. They will be the ones with the regrets. Set the limitations for your dad, because you can become overwhelmed trying to do everything. Be very clear about your expectations...take care of yourself, and yes, cry. It really does help in the long run.

Hang in there

You said it Jackie!
There is no time like the present to set in some boundaries. Just like a child, he has to learn to become self sufficient. The only way to do this is to stop enabling the behavior. Yes there will be "change back" rebellion, but hey, those are the breaks and he needs to know how to do for himself. Tough love they call it. He has his head in the sand and is refusing to come up for a dose of reality. Let him throw his tantrums, and kick and scream. He will get passed it. The last thing you want is a grown adult-child who doesn't know how to make his own pb&j. Time to put down the line in the sand and take care of your mom, yourself, and your precious daughter. He CAN learn a new normal.

Hugs!
-Michelle

Best Friend said:

I know all of these things
I know all of these things about my dad. I just don't get why no one else around me sees it. I am losing my mind crying left and right and they are making me feel even worse like there is something wrong with ME! i am being a **** or i'm overreacting. If I stand up to him, i will be this huge **** again. I told people at work, I know that I am bitchy and hard to get along with but this is a losing situation. She will NEVER stop being his mom even if she's in a wheelchair. Today they went out with my daughter. You would think i could relax. HA! No. I did my cleaning plus his little things he does. He is freakin blind. I am sorry but i love my mom. The only way my life will be normal again is if she gets healthy. I know that she isn't cured. I just need space. I need for her to talk to him and teach him how to take care of himself.
This is why I have anger issues towards men. I saw my dad disappear and go to work while my mom raised us. It's sad. I promised myself that when I am with someone they will do their cooking, cleaning, vacuuming, laundry. Those days are over. My boyfriend now is very independent. I don't want to teach him that i will do everything.
Ok....i know i keep going on and on. Ha. I can type this stuff a million times and than when he gets home and plops down waiting for dinner, i am gonna start to cry again.
What if? Just what if this is going to break me? I am scared.

You are fighting a losing battle.....
and you need to look at it from a different angle. You can't change your Mom, who caters to your Dad and you can't change your Dad as long as she is catering to him. But, you can control your own behavior.

Look at your Mom's needs and see what needs to be done for her. Make her comfortable and happy and then move on to yourself. Take care of your needs next and shuck the weight of taking care of your Dad. Let him pitch his fits and show his dislike and walk away from him when he complains. Be the bigger person here. You will suffocate yourself worrying about his behavior and how your Mom handles it.

And keep typing....you are saying it out loud to people who undersand and are going through similar situations. Talking it out is often the cure for many ills.

We are here for you~:)

JackieA said:

best friend
As I was reading your last post I realized some things. Before I could finish reading, I felt you had some anger issues with your dad. One of the roots of the issue is that you are angry from the past...and you said it...my mom worked, while... I can tell that bothered you and to see her suffer now, it's almost like you are saying---Why her? Take some time to deal with some of the deeper issues inside of you that deals with you and your dad. If the good Lord decides to take your sweet mom, then other things will surface between you and dad. Yes, your dad is handicapped to a certain degree now--your mom allowed it. As tough as it is...she did. I know it is hard right now, because we are human, and to see the one we love so much hurts. I wanted to blame everyone who ever hurt my mom. Somehow I wanted them to suffer to a degree, because I watched her struggle. I wanted her to tell them to go to a dark place. I could not understand why they acted the way they did. I was mad. But I realized I had to make the decision to not allow it/them to further hurt me, including my siblings. I am sure we all talked about one another. Since my mother died, I see the mess she made as a parent...we all will, if given the chance. Before she died she even said it. I spent hours with her when she could not sleep and I listened to all of her regrets, mistakes, and it was the only way she could find rest. There will probably come a time when you will listen to you mom or maybe even your dad.Find away to have peace in your heart...know that you will have a lot of decisions that will make or break you, free or enslave you. I pray for you in this difficult time.I KNOW where you are.

Very insightful and honest!
Jackie,

I am happy to see your post as it is refreshing and insightful. It is hard to hear the things that NEED to be said and received. The optimal word being 'received'. The toughest thing about trying to console others or help them view things from another angle is first to break through the walls of denial. Of course denial isn't always a bad thing either as it is our minds protector from trauma. Certain levels of denial are normal, but ultimately being 'aware' if even subconsciously of your reality is a requirement of a healthy balance and order to things. Thank you for posting so honestly and with such insight!

Hugs,
-Michelle

JackieA said:

best friend
As I was reading your last post I realized some things. Before I could finish reading, I felt you had some anger issues with your dad. One of the roots of the issue is that you are angry from the past...and you said it...my mom worked, while... I can tell that bothered you and to see her suffer now, it's almost like you are saying---Why her? Take some time to deal with some of the deeper issues inside of you that deals with you and your dad. If the good Lord decides to take your sweet mom, then other things will surface between you and dad. Yes, your dad is handicapped to a certain degree now--your mom allowed it. As tough as it is...she did. I know it is hard right now, because we are human, and to see the one we love so much hurts. I wanted to blame everyone who ever hurt my mom. Somehow I wanted them to suffer to a degree, because I watched her struggle. I wanted her to tell them to go to a dark place. I could not understand why they acted the way they did. I was mad. But I realized I had to make the decision to not allow it/them to further hurt me, including my siblings. I am sure we all talked about one another. Since my mother died, I see the mess she made as a parent...we all will, if given the chance. Before she died she even said it. I spent hours with her when she could not sleep and I listened to all of her regrets, mistakes, and it was the only way she could find rest. There will probably come a time when you will listen to you mom or maybe even your dad.Find away to have peace in your heart...know that you will have a lot of decisions that will make or break you, free or enslave you. I pray for you in this difficult time.I KNOW where you are.

I am trying
I am ok with things now. After getting myself so worked up, i realized that even if we all lived in a one room apt., I have to let them live their life too. I just need to stop doing for him. My mom will just have to handle it herself. She is sick, but that's the life she chose. This won't stop me from being her best friend. This is what we are. Sometimes it's not great for a mom to be in this role but it's how it all worked out. I could always count on her, and now she can always count me.
You ARE right. I do have alot of past issues with everyone in my family. I just don't know why i always felt a certain way towards my dad. My sister does too. It's the only thing we agree on. I think it is because he uses his job as an excuse for not having to be around the family. If we go on family vacation, he can't come right away cuz of work. And he always says how much he loves being around his family, and grandkids and than when my sister comes to visit and all three kids are here together, he leaves and goes to work, or golfing. His job doesn't require him to work on weekends and it never did. It's pretty sad. I feel bad that he can't handle being around children. It's like it was when we were kids. There have been alot of things my dad has done for me. But, no matter what, he will not accept that i have grown up and i do not have to repay him for these things by taking care of him.
I am very aware that these issues affect me,however, the thing is, it just angers me, because it proves my point that even now when something is a little uncomfortable or no fun, he can't be around.
I need to just stop and smell the roses. My family will never change, but i know I am doing what is right and i am the one that will enjoy every bit of my mom's life, whether it be helping her when she's sick, or making her laugh when she's not.
Thanks everyone for letting me see that i am fighting a losing battle.