OT: Share a Joke of the day or something funny.
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Comments
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Out of the mouth of babes
When I was director of a children's ministry at a very traditional church; my assistant who attended a more contemporary church decided to start attending the one that housed the ministry. She joined the choir so asked if her granddaughter could sit with me during the worship service. The church she came from used real bread during Holy Communion and this church used wafers. After returning to our seats This sweet little girl tapped my arm and whispered, "Miss Debbie, why did they make us eat plastic?"
Taste and see that the Lord is good?0 -
Blonde Undertaker
My brother is retired and lives in Pennsacola, Fl. He emails me a stream of jokes. Here's one of my favorites from the past year. (Try not to look at the last sentence--punchline--as you read it.)
Blonde Undertaker
Courtesy of David R.
A man who just died is delivered to a local funeral home wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The blonde funeral director asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the blonde undertaker a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but, please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe, the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the funeral director, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the blonde undertaker presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," she says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" says the widow.
"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."
"So I just switched the heads."0 -
HalHal61 said:Blonde Undertaker
My brother is retired and lives in Pennsacola, Fl. He emails me a stream of jokes. Here's one of my favorites from the past year. (Try not to look at the last sentence--punchline--as you read it.)
Blonde Undertaker
Courtesy of David R.
A man who just died is delivered to a local funeral home wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The blonde funeral director asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the blonde undertaker a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but, please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe, the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the funeral director, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the blonde undertaker presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," she says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" says the widow.
"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."
"So I just switched the heads."
Sick very sick my friend, Ha ha ha I was waiting for the punch on the blonde with the blank check
Hondo0 -
this is on my profile
So some of you may have seen it already, but...
For many years my wife taught adults English as foreign language. After I got diagnosed and was in treatment she got an e-mail from one of her Korean former students intending to comfort my wife about my/our situation. The subject line read:
wait for it...
I am sure he will be overcome
0 -
A man was dining alone in aBrianKrashpad said:this is on my profile
So some of you may have seen it already, but...
For many years my wife taught adults English as foreign language. After I got diagnosed and was in treatment she got an e-mail from one of her Korean former students intending to comfort my wife about my/our situation. The subject line read:
wait for it...
I am sure he will be overcome
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table..He had noticed her since he sat down, but lacked
the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are amazing... are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . ......
'You just happened to catch my eye.'0 -
Hey, I resemble that remark!RushFan said:A man was dining alone in a
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table..He had noticed her since he sat down, but lacked
the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are amazing... are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . ......
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
Hi Rush, I've had a prosthesis on the left side since I was six, and I've had to catch it on first bounce a few times. After treatment, I'd lost some hearing on both sides, more on the left. Left side of my face and neck was mucho numb from the partial dissection. I told one of my docs that if they noticed anything amiss from the tip my nose and to the left they would have to email me and let me know, because it wasn't part of my world.
best, Hal0 -
Old one but still funny...
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
• Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
• Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
• Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
• Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
• Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”0 -
Circle Flies
A farmer got pulled over by state trooper John for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, trooper John got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?
Trooper Jon stopped writing the ticket and said, Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies.
So the farmer said, Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found, circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper said, Oh, and went back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stopped and said, "Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ****?"
Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ****.
Trooper Jon said, "Well, that's a good thing," and went back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer said, "Hard to fool them flies though."0 -
The Golfer
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”0 -
That's mine now.Hal61 said:Blonde Undertaker
My brother is retired and lives in Pennsacola, Fl. He emails me a stream of jokes. Here's one of my favorites from the past year. (Try not to look at the last sentence--punchline--as you read it.)
Blonde Undertaker
Courtesy of David R.
A man who just died is delivered to a local funeral home wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The blonde funeral director asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the blonde undertaker a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but, please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe, the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the funeral director, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the blonde undertaker presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," she says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" says the widow.
"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."
"So I just switched the heads."
I'll use it on stage.0 -
Science Story
First Scientist: You can't land on the sun. Your space ship will burn up before you get anywhere near the surface of the sun.
Second Scientist: Oh Yah! I'm going to do it at night.0 -
Speaking of scientist, it reminds me if this joke:
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.0 -
Two nutssweetblood22 said:Speaking of scientist, it reminds me if this joke:
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
One nut said to the other nut don’t laugh too hard or you will crack up with laughter0 -
Pet duckHondo said:Two nuts
One nut said to the other nut don’t laugh too hard or you will crack up with laughter
My pet duck was not doing well so I took him into the vet. When I brought him in, the vet glanced at him and said "Sorry he's no longer with us". I asked him how he could be so sure just looking at him?? With that he brought in his big, goofy labrador retriever. The lab sniffed up and down the duck and then sadly shook his head and walked out of the room. Next the vet brought in his kitty which proceeded to do the same thing. The vet then said "You're duck is definitely dead, that will be $10,025". WTF, I yelled, you're charging me that much to tell me my duck is dead! The vet then said - if you took my word it would only be $25, but the catscan is $2500 and the petscan is $7500.0 -
Hi GregGreg53 said:Pet duck
My pet duck was not doing well so I took him into the vet. When I brought him in, the vet glanced at him and said "Sorry he's no longer with us". I asked him how he could be so sure just looking at him?? With that he brought in his big, goofy labrador retriever. The lab sniffed up and down the duck and then sadly shook his head and walked out of the room. Next the vet brought in his kitty which proceeded to do the same thing. The vet then said "You're duck is definitely dead, that will be $10,025". WTF, I yelled, you're charging me that much to tell me my duck is dead! The vet then said - if you took my word it would only be $25, but the catscan is $2500 and the petscan is $7500.
That’s a good one, I think my doctors at MD Anderson do the same thing with their Cat and PET scan, money wise that is. Ha ha ha
:+))
Hondo0 -
A woman gets on a bus....
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”0 -
funny hahahahasweetblood22 said:A woman gets on a bus....
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
Dawn; good one.... I wish I could remember jokes.... I never could BC (before cancer), so I sure can't now !0
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