Question, need to rant

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rmkbrad
rmkbrad Member Posts: 176
in Head and Neck Cancer #1
So my wife has started to see a therapist, with work, three young kids and me with cancer her life is pretty hecktic. So for now she is on medical leave to help me. My question is that her theripist and her talk alot about me, she comes home every week with some sort of idea that the guy giver her that I should be doing, today she comes home to tell me that he told her that every day I should set a goal for myself to accomplish, and no matter how bad I feel or how much pain I am in I should fight through it or just egnore it and power through. I have been trying to do more around the house and accomplish more but some days the pain is so great and I have no energy at all. I mean after I went through chemo and radiation the first time I felt bad, but I still had some energy. But after going through chemo and radiation again, and the radiation I went throgh the second time was breakeytherapy which cookes you from the inside out the side effects have been much worse. I mean the pain in my head and neck make me vommit some days. Anyway I have voice my displeasure with my wife that they always use me in there discussions and that he is not an oncologiest nor has he went through what I have been though. She gets upset and says that they are just trying to help me and that I have always been a fighter and now she doesnt think that I am fighting as hard as I should be. I feel like I have been through the circus twice and have been fighting this for nearly two full years now, not to mention that I have lost over 150 pounds and eating is so difficult for me, have a peg tube now. But still enjoy the taste of food. Anyway out for now, enough bitching from me.

Thanks,Brad

Comments

  • Hondo
    Hondo Member Posts: 6,636 Member
    #2
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    Hi Brad


    I think her therapist read too many book about people with cancer all wrote by someone who never had cancer. No one can understand what we go through everyday especially people like you and me who have had to take treatment twice. Believe me just to get up in the morning is so very hard and if it were not for pain pills my life would be screwed. I do work and thank God it is a desk job where I don’t have much to do.

    Some of my colleagues at work are always saying your treatment is over and you are back to normal again, you need to pick-up the pace and get moving. Normal; it just goes to show you how little people understand that there is nothing normal about me. What I once was I will never be again in this life. Yes I still have the 39 years of knowledge behind me in what I am doing but the physical part of me is just not there anymore. The only reason they keep me around it for what is in my head.

    Remember my friend no one will every understand what it is like until they go through it for them self, and I wish this on no one not even my worse enemy, if I had one.

    Hondo
  • sweetblood22
    sweetblood22 Member Posts: 3,228
    #3
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    Hmmmm
    I'm trying not to get my hackles up right now and get all mouthy, but I'm not sure I can stiffle. Let me say that I think it's great that your wife is seeing someone, but maybe you guys need to talk and establish some ground rules about it. This should not be stressing you out, it's supposed to be helping her. Does he not think you have a goal? It's called kicking cancers arse and trying to stay alive. :-/ My goal would be to go into his office and fight through the pain to kick him in the keister. Here's the thing. To me, if you want to go to counseling, go to counseling. But I really don't think it's productive for this guy that is not counseling you and has no clue what you are going through to be giving you ideas. I think it could even cause an issue between you and your wife. Idk, it would bug me. Maybe it would be worth the three of you sitting down together. Not sure if you get what I'm trying to say here. It would annoy me, and I'd be venting and b!t@hing about it too.
  • D Lewis
    D Lewis Member Posts: 1,581 Member
    #4
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    What they said...
    Brad,

    I couldn't say it any better than Hondo and Dawn did. Hang in there buddy. I'm sending healing thoughts up over the mountain to you. I wish there was more I could do.

    Deb
  • Tanager75
    Tanager75 Member Posts: 89 Member
    #5
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    Who is the client!
    WOW! Seems like therapy would be reserved for those in the room. I dont understand why they are setting goals for you. Seems the goals would be for the client. I hope this is misunderstanding. Just my thoughts, I'm happy you are feeling up to ranting. It takes enegy just to express the emotion.

    Day at a time,

    mark
  • Kimba1505
    Kimba1505 Member Posts: 557
    #6
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    Tanager75 said:

    Who is the client!
    WOW! Seems like therapy would be reserved for those in the room. I dont understand why they are setting goals for you. Seems the goals would be for the client. I hope this is misunderstanding. Just my thoughts, I'm happy you are feeling up to ranting. It takes enegy just to express the emotion.

    Day at a time,

    mark

    Agree.
    Brad,
    I agree with the others. If this therapist is directing you (not the client)through your wife, that is way out of line. Being fair, I also wonder if perhaps your wife comes home and makes the therapist the "bad guy" by saying, "My therapist says you should..." when it is what she wants to be saying. Either way there needs to be some clarity.
    As caregiver, it is hard. I gave up everything I knew about my pre-cancer relationship with Mark. I wrote about it on these boards. I knew that the period of time from diagnosis through recovery was ALL about Mark, as it needed to be. He is over a year post treatment and doing very well, so the majority of normalacy has returned to our relationship. I do not know what I would be like if treatment endured for two years, and I was missing him for that amount of time. Yes, there are the practical things in a relationship, taking out the trash, driving the kids, running to the store, etc. but there are the emotional parts to a relationship as well. ALL were on hold for us.
    I applaud your wife for seeking support and help, I would need it too. My guess is she misses you on many levels and is scared and feeling overwhelmed. Getting you to do things around the house will probably not fix these feelings. My heart goes out to both of you as you traverse these difficult difficult times. Stay strong Brad, fight hard...the bottom line is she needs you...she can't help that. And you cannot help the feelings that come from being cooked from the inside out. Both things are true at the same time. Hugs.
    Kim
  • ac
    ac Member Posts: 88 Member
    #7
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    Counselor at a cancer center
    Hi Brad,

    Is this guy by any chance a counselor at a cancer center? If not, it may be a good idea to switch to a counselor at the hospital or cancer center that you are being treated at. I believe that they normally do provide counseling for care givers as well as patients. But at least they will have a better understanding of how the cancer patient feels and better experienced to deal with overall issues even when helping care givers. I'm not sure how easy it is for your wife to consider switching therapists but it may be something to think about if it has not yet been considered.
  • luv2cut1
    luv2cut1 Member Posts: 288
    #8
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    Brad
    As a caregiver, I think Kimba is right on. You two have been through so much and I am sure your wife is missing you and needing you. I hope so much that you guys can work your way through this. Please vent here anytime. We are glad to see you posting and pray always that things are going your way.

    Take care

    Myka
  • Hal61
    Hal61 Member Posts: 655
    #9
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    My Ex
    Hi Brad, I do know how you feel. My ex used to tell me she had found my problem in one of the self help books she was reading. She said she could show me the page. She didn't even need a therapist to back her play. And that was before I was diagnosed with cancer. Did I mention she is my ex. Don't take it personal.

    best, Hal
  • pattyanny
    pattyanny Member Posts: 544
    #10
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    Great rant btw!
    Hi Brad, I so agree with Hondo, Sweet and our other friends! I am so mad I am spitting nails right now! I went to counseling after my treatment to rant about my husbands anger & lack of communication. The therapist told ME how to handle ME, not to go home and tell HIM what is expected. Anyway, the counseling is supposed to be for the the one in the room, as stated in another post. Your goal is kick this any way you can! I cannot even imagine what you have been through, but I know she cares enough about you to seek therapy, and probably feels a bit helpless. Cancer does that to the patient & the caregiver. The therapy is for her, not you Brad. Your job is to survive. Don't give up, but communicate to her your feelings. Tell her how you feel about this. Now that you have ranted, you can sit down quietly and talk. And keep talking.
    You will be in my prayers, Patty

    P.S. I am clean for 2 years, and single now for one! Hang in there Brad!
  • Dan Garrett
    Dan Garrett Member Posts: 14
    #11
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    Rant Away
    My wife stayed home while I was in my lowest point in my treatments and also went to a therapist because as a nurse she was stressing out about the reality of my cancer (squamous cell carcinoma). I am a fighter too and made it thru all my chemo and radiation treatments without missing any appointments. Tell anyone who thinks this is easy to politely go jump in a lake. I would say something else but I am being polite. The treatments suck, cancer sucks, recovery sucks and anyone who has not gone through this doesn't have a clue. Give yourself alot of credit for completing your treatments and stay positive because it does get better. Been clean since May 2010. God Bless
  • Hondo
    Hondo Member Posts: 6,636 Member
    #12
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    Hal61 said:

    My Ex
    Hi Brad, I do know how you feel. My ex used to tell me she had found my problem in one of the self help books she was reading. She said she could show me the page. She didn't even need a therapist to back her play. And that was before I was diagnosed with cancer. Did I mention she is my ex. Don't take it personal.

    best, Hal

    All my Ex’s live in Texas
    Hal so you are a fee man, I know a lot of single ladies in Honduras that are looking for a man just like you. I will give you a call the next time I go. :+))

    Take care
    Hondo

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