Need advice about advising....

ddpekks · October 2011

DH is a broken man this A.M. We both know it's temporary, but he is really down. He had chemo/rad and then surgery (resection/rectal removal) and is now in second round of chemo. He goes 5 days for treatment, 2 wks off, times 4. He has completed his second 5 day set. Only has 2 more to go. When he is having treatments he feels fine till about Thurs, and by Sat. he is "dog meat" as he puts it. This last till about Wed of the next week then he starts feeling better, only to start over again.

Normally, he has a very positive attitude about all of it. "...this will pass, I'll get through it", "don't worry, I'm fine, I can do this." Yesterday and today were different. He asked me this morning if it was OK for him to stop! I looked at him and knew what he meant and it took every ounce of my fortitude to hold it together, to keep a straight face and hear him out. He said he just didn't think he could keep it up, that he'd come to the conclusion that quality was better than quantity. I asked him if he wanted to stop before these last two sets were done and he said he didn't know. He was going to think about it, but that he was not going any further if these didn't do the trick.

What I told him was to please think about at least completing these last two sets and that I would support him in whatever he decided after that. Of course I will support him, no matter what he decides, but we don't even know if any thing else is going to be needed after this is over.

Please tell he how to handle this. I've never "been there, done that" in this situation.

Thanks,
D

Buckwirth · October 2011

Sometimes the treatments
are like working at an awful job so you can take a vacation in Paris.

After the end of my first year (including the rads and the rectal removal) I added up all the treatment weeks and felt like over 52 weeks I had spent most of it misery, and what had I purchased? Another year of misery?

No, I am well into year two, and it has been MUCH better. Quality has returned to my life, and now what I went through the year before is paying me back.

I am still in treatment, will be forever, but the balance is back and it makes all the difference.

Don't know if this helps,

Blake

Patteee · October 2011

My treatment was different-
My treatment was different- CC stage 3B. Resection, 6 months of chemo and take down of colostomy. I am now 3 years and 4 months post cancer and NED! Chemo was rough on me- I was hospitalized 3 times for a week at a time during chemo. It was pretty grueling. There were many times I would just lay there and rock in pain, weakness and just felt like crappolla. Toward the end I wouldn't even have recovery time, I would be going in a wheelchair, with sweat rolling off of me, my head too heavy to hold up, for more chemo to feel worse than I felt.
I share with you because I very much remember the feeling, 2 times to be exact, of laying there and totally absolutely understanding why people finally reach the end and say enough is enough. It brought me some peace, morbid perhaps, that I could say enough at any time and release myself from the misery. The feeling did pass, but what remains is a very real sense of how intense this experience is for people. What also helped me was to share how miserable I was with my oncologist. He heard me- enough to up pain killers, ativan and I started going in for fluids everyday.

buckeye2 · October 2011

I would be like you and want
I would be like you and want him to finish the last two rounds. While treatment is ultimately his decision, I also know that the chemo alters the decision making process. When my husband and I started this journey, everyone said attitude is everything. I felt good about that statement because my husband has a great attitude about everything but I didn't account for what feeling like crap, chemo brain, and fear of dying would do to a great attitude. I hope he perks up and finishes up to hopefully give time for maybe a different treatment plan. Lisa

tabur · October 2011

Hi D
I am wondering if the treatment your DH is going through is designed to merely extend his life or rid him of cancer? In my wife's case, treatments were only designed to extend her life so when she called it quits after 2 years, I knew it was time. Didn't stop me from trying to get her to go for more but I knew it was her decision and that she was done. In your DH's case, if it's an attempt to rid him of cancer, I hope he can endure the final two treatments. In a month or two, we would love to hear the word NED.

Be strong D,

Al

PhillieG · October 2011

Hi D
It sounds like your husband is totally normal. Chemo isn't easy to take at all, it is basically controlled poisoning with a light at the end of the tunnel. I think you are handling it GREAT. I do think he will go forward and finish the last two treatments but I have found it best to take things one step at a time. That usually meant taking things in 6 month intervals.
Support him in whatever he chooses like you said but he will hopefully get over this hump and finish this cycle.
Phil

ddpekks · October 2011

Thanks so much....
For all your responses. He is still pulling himself up, but I do see some improvement in his attitude. He's not said he's continuing the next two sets, but, then, I haven't asked him. I figure when he's ready to discuss it, he will.

I believe all of this is getting rid of the cancer and allowing him to live as long as God sees fit. This is what the Dr's have told us, but they only feed us morsels as we go along...no long term committment statements, if you know what I mean. And, I believe that's the hard part for him. He's a planner, he wants to know that this is curing him or he will need a specific number of treatments of such and such on such and such date, and he's not getting that. He's getting, "let's do this and then we'll see...."

I will support him in whatever he decides, but I will push as hard as I can to at least see this phase continued.

Thank you all for your input because it helps to know what others experiences are and how you handled it.

D

eibod · October 2011

ddpekks said:
Thanks so much....
For all your responses. He is still pulling himself up, but I do see some improvement in his attitude. He's not said he's continuing the next two sets, but, then, I haven't asked him. I figure when he's ready to discuss it, he will.

I believe all of this is getting rid of the cancer and allowing him to live as long as God sees fit. This is what the Dr's have told us, but they only feed us morsels as we go along...no long term committment statements, if you know what I mean. And, I believe that's the hard part for him. He's a planner, he wants to know that this is curing him or he will need a specific number of treatments of such and such on such and such date, and he's not getting that. He's getting, "let's do this and then we'll see...."

I will support him in whatever he decides, but I will push as hard as I can to at least see this phase continued.

Thank you all for your input because it helps to know what others experiences are and how you handled it.

D

So sorry that you guys are
So sorry that you guys are going through such a rough time. Last month my husband
told the chemo tech he was exhausted with everything and wasn't sure he wanted to go
through with any more. The next day we received a call from his dr for an appointment.
We went in and she had a long talk with him. She was very concerned, and I was really
touched at her kindness. We have really had some bad days lately, and I know what you
must be feeling. My thoughts are with you, Brenda

marqimark · October 2011

Positive attitude
I was dx 3c and had a colon resection with mets to 4 of 33 lymph nodes.
I was NED when I started chemo, recommended to increase my odds from 40/60 to 60/40.

I have always been a positive person, rejoicing that I was alive.

After getting knocked down physically from the chemo, I was just numb.
I was looking for ways to cope with the physical duress my body was going through.

Chemo is so hard.
I, too, don't know how I could, as so many are doing here, live with a permanant maintainance chemo regimen.

Your DH is being ground down and you are doing great coping with his ordeal.
All you can do is encourage DH through to the light at the end of the tunnel and pray for DH to be NED when he emerges into the light.

Prayers to you and your DH

Mark

Need advice about advising....

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