healing

Great
So great that you went back to work, but can understand your being exhausted. I'm tired and I'm not even working. Going to talk about that with onc in October. My husband feels the same way, he is so supportive but he says give it time, but it does get better. We are never the same, we always have it on our mind and we are always thinking about the next test. About your job, I'm not sure, you can only do what you can do - but most importantly, don't overdo. Hope you feel better soon.

Kim

Nothing is like it was
Nothing is like it was before. That is one given you can know for sure. But that doesn't mean there isn't another way that hasn't been revealed to you yet.
I remember when I was dx in June of 2009---Me, in my 40s with two young children. I told my employer I would be back to work in November. I loved my job and steadfastedly believed I could do chemo, radiation and get my temp ilestomy---then got back to a job I loved in a couple of months.
It didn't work out that way for me; so many obstacles that were unforeseen.
But what I DO know is that you find a new way...a way that is in the fog now perhaps, but a new way.
The depression is tough--and normal. Find a doctor or maybe a psychiatrist you can trust. I used to think psychiatrists were for....um...people....not like me. But for every job a specialty and you'll do better with him/her than you would with your GP prescribing medicines. Go with the experts. I looked online until I found a Dr. who was exp. with cancer patients.
Don't know if you'll ever get back to your job, but it sounds like you love it , and a good source of support. Maybe a work friend can set up a meal train or one of those types of things if you need it? Or hint to the other people to shut up! about your appearance???
And, btw, my husband too cannot wait for everything to get back to 'normal' and sometimes I feel like I'm letting him down because THIS is normal.....
How do I get by? By sharing my feelings. By living in each and every moment. That is all we have--cancer just put that into sharper focus.
I hope you sleep well tonight~

Hi Tessa
All very good stuff here...

I've left work 4 times and returned to work 4 times. This last time I was out the longest at 9 months. I did return once during that time but chemo had me good, so I backed out 2 more months and then came back.

Tired? All the time. I can make it the day now pretty good, but by 7pm, I'm dead to the world physically and mentally. I find that 8pm on a Friday or Saturday is ok with me now, just can't stay with it, like I used to.

Of course, I've had cancer three times in 7-years. Had four major surgeries, 55 rounds of radiation, 3 rounds of stereotactic radiation, and 51 rounds of chemo. I'm a little tired:)

"You look good." This is the oldest fall-back line that folks lean on when they see you coming down the hall. It's sort of like "How are you" for the regular folks. "You look good" allows them to say something positive and then keep their feet shuffling on down the road. There are people who do mean it, but for most, it's a casual line or used as a greeting.

"Get back to normal." If I've heard this once, I've heard it a thousand times and one. Of course, that's what our spouses want. They can't fully wrap their mind around what's happened to us on a physical or emotional level from the standpoint of never having physically going through it. They can empathize - but not sympathize. They just want it over with and get back to their comfort zone and think of it as a bad dream. Unfortunately, it does not work that way, as most of us know.

"Going through the motions." That's a constant feeling. I feel it more now than I did on my previous 2 recurrences. I think is because I see the greater reality for myself now and what my survival odds really are. So, when you're at work trying to pretend that it's the most important thing in the world - because the world tells you that it is, you recognize that it no longer is. You do what you need to do, but may never feel the same way again.

The quandary occurs, because 'you changed and thought the world would change with you.' Upon realizing that things stay the same and that if we're lucky, we return to the humdrum of things, because that's mostly what life entails. We're expecting this magical something, but find if we're lucky, we return to work and that's it. It's a luxury that many of us don't have. I find that if I had my bills and needs met, I would spend the rest of my days somewhere in the cancer world, trying to help others - that would be good satisfying work. But, alas, we've got to keep the lightbulb turned on and some cornbread and beans on the table from time to time.

"Depression." Two kinds of depression that I wrote about. Deep depression where you're unable to function in life's basic necessities. And then, there is the "Living Depression." I find myself there quite a bit. Currently, I am struggling to "Find my meaning" to the meaning of life, you know?

You expect things to be so much more than they can really be. Like a movie you want to see, or the start of a new football season, or whatever. You expect it to be this magnificent event, only to find that it was just regular life in the first place. But, because you thought you were going to die and still find yourself here, you think the balloons are going to fall out the ceiling and then the band will begin playing and there will cake and ice cream.

It's more of that going through the motion thing you mentioned. It's not that it is wrong - rather, it is just different now and then comes back to us, to put the meaning back into things, that were taken from us before.

"Strength." I'll have to get back to you on this one. I keep trying and one of the things I always talk about is Time and Patience. So, we'll see.

You're right on course, these are all normal feelings and it's always nice to see someone questioning things and looking for the deeper meaning. Many chapters I've written are along the same lines as what you've asked about.

You take care!

-Craig