Going through the motions?

Brenda Bricco
Brenda Bricco Member Posts: 579 Member
in Colorectal Cancer #1
My husband was diagnosed 8 months ago. We have always been close and had no trust issues but latley he accuses me of being unfaithful (even though I am always with him). I can't do anything right and am scared to death to talk to anyone for fear of setting him off. I feel like I am doing something wrong just by asking you guys about it but I am desperate. I don't know what he is thinking, maybe that I am going to replace him? Everyone around us tells me to be supportive and understanding, that I should try to put myself in his position. I feel like that's all I have been doing. I know there is no way to understand what someone goes through unless you have gone through it. I am trying, I really am but I no longer exist. I am taking xanex to help me stay calm but it still feels like this over whelming paranoia that I am going to get caught doing something I am not doing. I am under attack and want to run. I have always ran to my husband but I don't know where he is.

Comments

  • Buckwirth
    Buckwirth Member Posts: 1,258 Member
    #2
    Steroids
    May be part of his chemo regimen, and it can lead to incoherent rage.

    Discuss this with his Oncologist, and see if the two of you can get into talk therapy with a qualified counselor. You might also want to see if getting him on an anti-depressant could help with the mood swings.

    Sorry you are going through this, but don't settle for it. Be proactive, first with his medical team, then with him.
  • buckeye2
    buckeye2 Member Posts: 428 Member
    #3
    I'm with Buck and think
    I'm with Buck and think something is going on with either the cancer or the treatment. Steroids changed my husband's personality. We asked to have them reduced and I got my husband back. Lisa
  • Lovekitties
    Lovekitties Member Posts: 3,364 Member
    #4
    Hi Brenda
    Blake had good advice. The steroids can do strange things.

    I suspect that even without them, your hubby might have feelings of anxiety about your wanting to be tied down to someone 'in his condition'. Cancer does an emotional number on the patient's mind as well as body. He might benefit from some counseling as well.

    As his caregiver, you have an obligation to yourself to watch out for YOU as well. Being a caregiver has to be one of the most difficult jobs in the world.

    Yss you need to be supportive, etc. with your hubby, but both of you deserve to be living with much less stress. Make sure to bring up the mood issues with his doc.

    Hoping that you both can get help over this issue and concentrate on happy living.

    Marie who loves kitties
  • here4lfe
    here4lfe Member Posts: 306 Member
    #5
    Some good advice here
    The chemo regime is hard, and causes "chemo brain" and mood swings. So don't take it personally. With that said, it's hard being a caregiver.
    You might want to check out the Caregivers forum on this site for additional support.

    Best
  • rogina2336
    rogina2336 Member Posts: 188
    #6
    My husband did the same
    My husband did the same thing for awhile, it was his way of pulling away from me when all I wanted was for him to pull me closer so I could help him. So we had a long talk about trust and that everything I do I do for him, he has done a 180 and is sweeter than ever. I do believe that he was having strong feelings of being inadequate as a man and very low self esteem. He sometimes even says things like I don't know why your still with me, why don't you just take me out back and shoot me......and I just tell him how much I love him and need him. Hope all gets better. Hopes and Prayers Kim
  • Brenda Bricco
    Brenda Bricco Member Posts: 579 Member
    #7
    rogina2336 said:

    My husband did the same
    My husband did the same thing for awhile, it was his way of pulling away from me when all I wanted was for him to pull me closer so I could help him. So we had a long talk about trust and that everything I do I do for him, he has done a 180 and is sweeter than ever. I do believe that he was having strong feelings of being inadequate as a man and very low self esteem. He sometimes even says things like I don't know why your still with me, why don't you just take me out back and shoot me......and I just tell him how much I love him and need him. Hope all gets better. Hopes and Prayers Kim

    No chemo
    He has been off of chemo for seven weeks gearing up for surgery (which I think was a stressor causing his moods). Anyway when his surgical oncologists asked him today how he was feeling and was everything okay he actually started to tell her yes! I am usually quiet and go along with what ever he wants but I almost jumped up and hollered "NO, everything is not okay!" but I maintained my composure and just let her know with no uncertainty that he was very aggitated and his nerves were getting the best of both of us. She was great, she said "look, you are facing the biggest fight of your life and if you weren't anxious I would know something was off but you don't have to be miserable nor does your family, this is hard on all of you". That's all he needed to hear and was up for what ever she recommended (which was something to calm him and possibly some talk therapy), as soon as she left the room he turned to me and said through tears that if I would make the appt. he would go! I see now that he was trying his best to push me away and for a day or two I was wondering how much more I could take of it. On the way home from Madison I had plenty of time to schedule the appt. and call his GP for something to take when he is all worked up.
    I am very thankful to all of you for your comments and support, this care taker work is tough but I wouldn't be any where else. GOD bless you all.
    Brenda
  • marqimark
    marqimark Member Posts: 242 Member
    #8
    Brenda Bricco said:

    No chemo
    He has been off of chemo for seven weeks gearing up for surgery (which I think was a stressor causing his moods). Anyway when his surgical oncologists asked him today how he was feeling and was everything okay he actually started to tell her yes! I am usually quiet and go along with what ever he wants but I almost jumped up and hollered "NO, everything is not okay!" but I maintained my composure and just let her know with no uncertainty that he was very aggitated and his nerves were getting the best of both of us. She was great, she said "look, you are facing the biggest fight of your life and if you weren't anxious I would know something was off but you don't have to be miserable nor does your family, this is hard on all of you". That's all he needed to hear and was up for what ever she recommended (which was something to calm him and possibly some talk therapy), as soon as she left the room he turned to me and said through tears that if I would make the appt. he would go! I see now that he was trying his best to push me away and for a day or two I was wondering how much more I could take of it. On the way home from Madison I had plenty of time to schedule the appt. and call his GP for something to take when he is all worked up.
    I am very thankful to all of you for your comments and support, this care taker work is tough but I wouldn't be any where else. GOD bless you all.
    Brenda

    Glad to hear
    I am glad to the point of emotion to hear about your break through.

    Thanks for the positive we can take from the negative.

    Mark
  • Kathleen808
    Kathleen808 Member Posts: 2,342 Member
    #9
    Brenda Bricco said:

    No chemo
    He has been off of chemo for seven weeks gearing up for surgery (which I think was a stressor causing his moods). Anyway when his surgical oncologists asked him today how he was feeling and was everything okay he actually started to tell her yes! I am usually quiet and go along with what ever he wants but I almost jumped up and hollered "NO, everything is not okay!" but I maintained my composure and just let her know with no uncertainty that he was very aggitated and his nerves were getting the best of both of us. She was great, she said "look, you are facing the biggest fight of your life and if you weren't anxious I would know something was off but you don't have to be miserable nor does your family, this is hard on all of you". That's all he needed to hear and was up for what ever she recommended (which was something to calm him and possibly some talk therapy), as soon as she left the room he turned to me and said through tears that if I would make the appt. he would go! I see now that he was trying his best to push me away and for a day or two I was wondering how much more I could take of it. On the way home from Madison I had plenty of time to schedule the appt. and call his GP for something to take when he is all worked up.
    I am very thankful to all of you for your comments and support, this care taker work is tough but I wouldn't be any where else. GOD bless you all.
    Brenda

    Brenda
    Brenda,
    Good for you for speaking up and good for your husband for being willing to get help. I hope things start to smooth out.

    Aloha,
    Kathleen

Discussion Boards