It's All Too Much to Bare...How much more...

Hi there.
How much more trauma and tragedy can our family bare? Cancer is a relentless adversary.

I had my last RAD on Aug. 15th. Back in July, my husband's uncle (on his mother's side) was diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer of Unknown Primary - no cure. He's undergoing chemo as a palliative measure to slow the cancer down. His entire lymphovascular system in infiltrated with cancer.

One week ago, my husband's other uncle (on his father's side) was admitted to hospital. Long story short, his wife was told yesterday that his entire gastrointestinal system, stomach, liver, gallbladder, and then some is saturated with cancer. It's so far gone and his so very sick that the docs are saying that to attempt surgery or chemo could kill him.

This uncle is our favorite. We are extremely close to him and his wife and their son (my hubby's cousin) who just went through his own cancer battle three years ago with bladder cancer.

My husband's older brother has been battling CLL (chronic lymphocytic leukemia) for the last 14 years and has had 3 BMT's in the last 12 years. He's only 49.

I'm barely coming to terms with all I've been through in the last 12 months with my breast cancer. We as a family were just beginning to catch our breaths and now two dear uncles are fighting battles that they will lose. It's not a matter of "if" it's a matter of "when". To say we're devastated and overwhelmed is an understatement.

I'm not coping well. I feel terrified all over again. For myself, my kids and our extended family.

I've been crying off and on all day. My body has been shaking off and on. I feel physically sick in the pit of my stomach.

All this and my three girls were all sick, as was I, last week with a retrovirus (stomach bug). All of us were vomiting and having explosive diarrhea last week.

It's just one thing after another. I feel like I'm drowning and can't catch my breath.

I hate cancer. It comes like a thief in the night and robs us of so much. I've survived, but two people we love and care about are losing their battles to this beast.

I am seeing a counselor and psychiatrist at our Cancer agency regularly and will continue to do so. I'm on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds and still it all seems like to much.

How much more can our family take? It's horrible. So, horrible.

I had a mammogram today, the first since my diagnosis last year and it took everything in me not to fall apart emotionally during the exam. My birthday is tomorrow. I'm turning 43. I don't feel like celebrating. My daughters asked me "mommy what do you want for your birthday?" What I want, no one can give.

Our family gets together annually, every Christmas with our extended family. This Christmas coming will be heavy on the hearts of many.

We had to tell our girls tonight that another great uncle is sick. That he has cancer and is in Hospital and won't be going home. They're all so sad and I know they're worried about me. They're trying to understand why some people beat cancer and why some people get taken by cancer, and how do you know who will be next on either side of that spectrum? What can I tell them? I have no idea what to tell them. They're only 10.5, 9, and 7.5 years old.

I know I'm ranting and venting. I'm just so overwhelmed and needed to tell others who would be able to possibly understand. Thanks so much for listening...