New to the Board

rebing
rebing Member Posts: 7
in Caregivers #1
I am Becky I am my Mom's only cargiver. She has lung cancer and we are nearing the ned of a long battle that started in June of 2010. We did chemo and radiation last fall and more chemo this spring. THe spring chemo made her so ill she stopped. She has moved in with my husband and I a month ago. She is still mobile but gets confused easily and needs ehlp dealing with daily stuff like eaitng, taking meds and etc.
I have a sister 10 hours away and she is useless. She has came for visits but she wants to shop and stuff. Mom is not up to going anywhere and I will not leave her alone for any amount of time.
My Dad passed away from lung cancer 16 years ago and at that time lived in another state but thank good ness my husband took care of our girls and I went and helped Mom the last 2 months of his life. My sister who lived 2 miles waay was to busy.
I am tired I do not sleep well because I am scared I will not hear Mom, have a baby monitor I carry everywhere. Mom is sleeping more and more and I do lay down during the day and rest my sister goes on and on how nice it must be to get a nap! I may lay down during and go to bed at night but I do not sleep good and she has no clue.
I am scared, tired of worrying all the time and I need someone to vent to besides my husband.
I proboably make not sense to you all. But I am here to reach out to others like me.
Thanks for listening.

Comments

  • jimwins
    jimwins Member Posts: 2,107
    #2
    Welcome Becky
    Sorry you have to be on this site but you will find a world of support
    and love here. I've only been here a short time as a survivor/patient
    and it has been helpful to me.

    I just wanted you to know we are here listening. Vent all you want and
    believe me, you'll get some good advice from people here.

    I'll try to write more later - but you'll get responses from others soon
    today I'm sure.

    Hang in there and big big hugs,

    Jim
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #3
    you can do this
    Becky, everything you say makes perfect sense to me, only I think your Mom is easier to take care of than mine! Mom has late stage ovarian cancer with lung mets. We've been at this almost three years.

    One suggestion. Tell you sister plain as day that your mother is dying, and leave it there. Put that hot potato in her hands, and walk away. She will try to get you to be the whipping boy so she doesn't have to grow up and take responsibility for herself. The hardest part is yours, though, to turn away from the anger you feel. It's justified, but it will only make you miserable.

    I thought about a baby monitor but to be honest I need bits of time when I don't hear mom's cough and need to block her out. I guess it's a boundary thing. Good luck with this day. It ain't easy.

    You have hospice help, yes?
  • ddpekks
    ddpekks Member Posts: 162
    #4
    Hello, Becky...
    I am also new to this board and thank goodness that I finally found it. I'm the sole caregiver for my husband and I am so much more fortunate than many on this board because he is so much more mobile and still able to help some with his care. But, I still feel alone in my world.

    If there is anything that I have learned in this journey it is to not depend on or expect anything from anyone else and I won't be dissapointed. If I do get a break or some help, then I can consider it a complete blessing.

    Vent hard, loud and often. Way too long, I held mine in and came very close to a total breakdown, which was doing harm to me and to my husband. Now, I spit, spew, cry and "tell it like it is" to anyone and everyone. I figure, if they don't want to hear it, they will walk away!

    I'm healing, along with my husband, because this thing made us both sick!

    Hugs, and hang in there! You deserve it.
  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #5
    among friends
    Welcome to this site, Becky.

    Everything you are saying sounds so familiar to so many people.

    I hope you are able to come here often and express yourself.

    Know that there are people who care. Usually someone on the chat room so don't forget that resource, too.

    Hugs.
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #6
    Welcome
    Welcome to the board none of us ever wanted to be a part of. I hope you have called in Hospice. If not, call them now. They are a great help for both the patient and the caregiver. Just having that 24/7 phone line is a relief. I know. I cared for my husband during his 6 year battle with colon cancer and lost him about two years ago. This is a perfect place to come and vent. Many here have felt or are feeling much the same as you are. As hard as caregiving is, though, it has it's rewards. You will know that you were there during your Mom's time of need. You will know that you did your best. Remember to take care of yourself, too. That may be the hardest thing you need to do right now. One thing my husband and his illness taught me was to live each day the best you can. One of his favorite things to say to me was, "Let it go, dear. Just let it go." He told me not to waste my time with the things I couldn't change. I still hear him saying that in my head sometimes. So, let the anger for you sister go. Cherish the time you have with your mom now. Talk about good memories, hold her hand and tell her you love her and what a great mom she is. Hugs, Fay
  • rebing
    rebing Member Posts: 7
    #7
    Thanks
    I thank you all for the warm welcome. I have worked really hard at letting my sister deal with her own guilt and emotions. I am slowly coming to the point that I have to do what is best for me and Mom. I try to keep reminding myself I am doing the best I can for Mom and she does apprecite me. Somedays I just feel overwhelmed. Tonight was a nice evening my oldest daughter came and sat with Mom so husband and I could go out to dinner. It was really nice and I actually did not call and check on Mom the whole 2 hours we were gone. My daughter and husband were very proud of me! I think the last few weeks have been so tough because my husband has had to work everyday since the Sun before Labor Day due to a large wildfire in our area and he is a deputy. He has been working anywhere from 12-16 hours a day. He is finally getting a day off Sat but has to go back to work Sun. His working 13 days straight has been tough. I never realized how much support he gave me. Mom is slowly getting more confused and sleeping more and more. I just tell myself one day one moment at a time
    Sending prayers and hugs to all who are walking in the same shoes as me.
  • jimwins
    jimwins Member Posts: 2,107
    #8
    rebing said:

    Thanks
    I thank you all for the warm welcome. I have worked really hard at letting my sister deal with her own guilt and emotions. I am slowly coming to the point that I have to do what is best for me and Mom. I try to keep reminding myself I am doing the best I can for Mom and she does apprecite me. Somedays I just feel overwhelmed. Tonight was a nice evening my oldest daughter came and sat with Mom so husband and I could go out to dinner. It was really nice and I actually did not call and check on Mom the whole 2 hours we were gone. My daughter and husband were very proud of me! I think the last few weeks have been so tough because my husband has had to work everyday since the Sun before Labor Day due to a large wildfire in our area and he is a deputy. He has been working anywhere from 12-16 hours a day. He is finally getting a day off Sat but has to go back to work Sun. His working 13 days straight has been tough. I never realized how much support he gave me. Mom is slowly getting more confused and sleeping more and more. I just tell myself one day one moment at a time
    Sending prayers and hugs to all who are walking in the same shoes as me.

    Welcome back
    I'm glad you got a little bit of a break.
    Hang in there :)

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