Watching her decline....

Anita1216
Anita1216 Member Posts: 58
in Ovarian Cancer #1
It has been a while since I last checked in. To be honest I have spent weeks pretending this is all going to go away and things will go back to "before cancer".

Mom has taken quite the slide and it seems that now we are going to watch her slowly slip away. She is no longer able to walk at all, chemo is no longer an option and the ascities is back with a vengence. Mom just had 7 liters drained yesterday morning. She is weak, very fragile looking and very easily tired now. She had a terrible time even holding the lemonade I brought to her at the nursing home.

Her oncologist will be doing a very in depth vaginal/uterine exam on Wednesday. She will be put under because it causes her immense pain. The tumor in her uterus has become necrotic and is leaking a foul discharge (TMI for some, Im sorry). This exam is to take a look and see what he can remove vaginally.

They are going to do a full abdominal/chest CT and we fully expect her to light up like a Christmas tree. The decline has been so rapid......I am at a complete loss now. I had so much faith and hope for some kind of recovery. I never expected a cure, but I did want more time.

I cry easily now and I feel so badly for her. She is still believeing in some type of remission. We all know its not going to happen, but there is no reason to take her hope.I guess having held on to mine for so long, its a kick in the teeth watching her slowly fade away.

Comments

  • kikz
    kikz Member Posts: 1,345 Member
    #2
    I am sorry your
    mom is going through so much. It's bad enough to fight this disease but you would think a person could go peacefully and painlessly at the end. It was so hard for me to watch my family deal with my treatment. At times I though it was easier being the patient. You and your mom are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Karen
  • wfisaac
    wfisaac Member Posts: 60
    #3
    Keeping you and your mom in
    Keeping you and your mom in my thoughts and prayers!
  • sarahb74
    sarahb74 Member Posts: 81 Member
    #4
    I'm so sorry
    this is happening. It's so cruel
  • carolyn45
    carolyn45 Member Posts: 100
    #5
    All of our hearts are with you
    I don't know how to put in words how sorry I am that this is happening. I'm familiar with the feelings, as I helped my mother out of her body 25 years ago. She, too, had ovarian cancer. I remember SO wanting her to be out of misery, but I couldn't bear the idea of losing her smile, her physical presence. The morning she crossed over was both the saddest and happiest day of my life. You will look back one day and realize that the finest gift you can give your mother is the one you are now giving her--your deep, undying love that will help to carry her to the "next place." Let all the emotions come. As you probably know, they come in waves. Feel it all, and it will pass until the next wave. Your love for your Mom will give you the strength to deal with this even when you think it's impossible. You and your Mom will be in my heart and prayers.
  • Anita1216
    Anita1216 Member Posts: 58
    #6
    carolyn45 said:

    All of our hearts are with you
    I don't know how to put in words how sorry I am that this is happening. I'm familiar with the feelings, as I helped my mother out of her body 25 years ago. She, too, had ovarian cancer. I remember SO wanting her to be out of misery, but I couldn't bear the idea of losing her smile, her physical presence. The morning she crossed over was both the saddest and happiest day of my life. You will look back one day and realize that the finest gift you can give your mother is the one you are now giving her--your deep, undying love that will help to carry her to the "next place." Let all the emotions come. As you probably know, they come in waves. Feel it all, and it will pass until the next wave. Your love for your Mom will give you the strength to deal with this even when you think it's impossible. You and your Mom will be in my heart and prayers.

    I made her pudding this
    I made her pudding this morning, a very fattening, yummy dessert that she loves. I know she is only going to eat a few bites and thats ok, she will make the effort. Im just so lost right now. I have a journal that I write every single thought of her in, every line of her face is described in detail. I even have tried writing the way her voice sounds, its still rich tone and her laugh. My heart is breaking because more than anything I cannot bear the thought of her being afraid or suffering.

    All of you are so kind, thank you for the thoughts and prayers. I will do my best, be as brave as I know how to be.
  • mopar
    mopar Member Posts: 1,972 Member
    #7
    Anita1216 said:

    I made her pudding this
    I made her pudding this morning, a very fattening, yummy dessert that she loves. I know she is only going to eat a few bites and thats ok, she will make the effort. Im just so lost right now. I have a journal that I write every single thought of her in, every line of her face is described in detail. I even have tried writing the way her voice sounds, its still rich tone and her laugh. My heart is breaking because more than anything I cannot bear the thought of her being afraid or suffering.

    All of you are so kind, thank you for the thoughts and prayers. I will do my best, be as brave as I know how to be.

    SO SORRY, ANITA
    My heart aches for you, as I can relate to your anguish. Please don't lose your faith - miracles are possible, but our bodies are subject to this 'fleshly' world. Unfortunately, our time comes often sooner than what any of us would want. You are such a caring, loving daughter, and I know your Mom is blessed by your presence and love. You can give her no greater gift. And as painful as my Mom's 'journey' was for me, much later I counted myself blessed to have been able to be with her as she went 'home', because she bore me, and cared for me all of my life.

    Sending all hugs and prayers, Anita.

    Monika
  • Mwee
    Mwee Member Posts: 1,338
    #8
    Anita1216 said:

    I made her pudding this
    I made her pudding this morning, a very fattening, yummy dessert that she loves. I know she is only going to eat a few bites and thats ok, she will make the effort. Im just so lost right now. I have a journal that I write every single thought of her in, every line of her face is described in detail. I even have tried writing the way her voice sounds, its still rich tone and her laugh. My heart is breaking because more than anything I cannot bear the thought of her being afraid or suffering.

    All of you are so kind, thank you for the thoughts and prayers. I will do my best, be as brave as I know how to be.

    So sorry, Anita
    How lucky your Mom is to have such a loving daughter. Your journal is a wonderful idea. Please let us know how you both are doing.
    (((HUGS))) Maria
  • kellyh33
    kellyh33 Member Posts: 287
    #9
    Hi Anita,
    I have been where
    Hi Anita,
    I have been where you are now. It is so hard to watch someone you love fade away.
    Let your Mom hold onto her hope because without hope there is only despair.

    I also thought/hoped for more time with my Mom. She was ready to go but I wasn't ready to let her go. It was heartbreaking especially as she made the decisions that would shorten her life but we had to support any and all decisions mom made.

    I think the worse for me was when mom was no longer able to walk and swallowing became difficult. At times when i was at work or doing some errands i remember thinking how can the world be going on like nothing is happening. Don't people know my mom is dying, how can nobody else realize what is happening. My world was being torn apart.

    If your mom's time is coming to a close she must feel like she has your support to do what is best for her. Have you contacted a palliative care team? Have you found out your mom's wishes? Does she want to remain at home?

    Feel free to message me if you need to talk. Still missing my mom and i know i will for years to come. I can't believe she's been gone for 2 1/2 weeks already.

    Kelly
  • Anita1216
    Anita1216 Member Posts: 58
    #10
    kellyh33 said:

    Hi Anita,
    I have been where
    Hi Anita,
    I have been where you are now. It is so hard to watch someone you love fade away.
    Let your Mom hold onto her hope because without hope there is only despair.

    I also thought/hoped for more time with my Mom. She was ready to go but I wasn't ready to let her go. It was heartbreaking especially as she made the decisions that would shorten her life but we had to support any and all decisions mom made.

    I think the worse for me was when mom was no longer able to walk and swallowing became difficult. At times when i was at work or doing some errands i remember thinking how can the world be going on like nothing is happening. Don't people know my mom is dying, how can nobody else realize what is happening. My world was being torn apart.

    If your mom's time is coming to a close she must feel like she has your support to do what is best for her. Have you contacted a palliative care team? Have you found out your mom's wishes? Does she want to remain at home?

    Feel free to message me if you need to talk. Still missing my mom and i know i will for years to come. I can't believe she's been gone for 2 1/2 weeks already.

    Kelly

    Kelly-
    We are unable to have
    Kelly-

    We are unable to have her at home and she is happy at the skilled nursing facility and they take AWESOME care of her. I am talking to her doctor Wednesday about hospice and if he feels we need to move her to that type of facility. Part of the problem we have had is the lack of really good pallative care and Im at the point now I want answers and she deserves better care in that regard.

    When this all started we talked to mom about what she does and does not want. The five of us know she does not wish to be kept alive by any artifial methods and her final resting place will be with her parents in the family cemetary in W. Virginia.

    On Saturday I spoke with my twin sister about starting the plans for moms funeral and doing it now so that when the time comes, it's not such a hurried procss. We don't want to make choices based on grief and it will be hard enough.

    I understand about wondering how people can just go on with life..my mom is leaving me before Im ready to let her go. I am watching this woman who was so strong, who raised 5 children on her own just fade away. Im pissed off at things I cannot change, but I hide that as best I can.

    I sat with mom a long time yesterday afternoon and she tells me she is not afraid, that God has a plan for her. What about us though? where is my faith in a plan? In some kind of understanding how this can be right or fair? I want to badly to understand how I will manage when the fight is over, how I will carry on though the years to come? I want to know how anything will ever be the same again......
  • carolyn45
    carolyn45 Member Posts: 100
    #11
    Anita1216 said:

    Kelly-
    We are unable to have
    Kelly-

    We are unable to have her at home and she is happy at the skilled nursing facility and they take AWESOME care of her. I am talking to her doctor Wednesday about hospice and if he feels we need to move her to that type of facility. Part of the problem we have had is the lack of really good pallative care and Im at the point now I want answers and she deserves better care in that regard.

    When this all started we talked to mom about what she does and does not want. The five of us know she does not wish to be kept alive by any artifial methods and her final resting place will be with her parents in the family cemetary in W. Virginia.

    On Saturday I spoke with my twin sister about starting the plans for moms funeral and doing it now so that when the time comes, it's not such a hurried procss. We don't want to make choices based on grief and it will be hard enough.

    I understand about wondering how people can just go on with life..my mom is leaving me before Im ready to let her go. I am watching this woman who was so strong, who raised 5 children on her own just fade away. Im pissed off at things I cannot change, but I hide that as best I can.

    I sat with mom a long time yesterday afternoon and she tells me she is not afraid, that God has a plan for her. What about us though? where is my faith in a plan? In some kind of understanding how this can be right or fair? I want to badly to understand how I will manage when the fight is over, how I will carry on though the years to come? I want to know how anything will ever be the same again......

    Nothing will ever be the same, but you WILL go on.
    Kelly, you are in the place I was 25 years ago. My Mom was like yours is--a strong, loving, fun, intelligent being who gave so much of herself to her children. She, too, had faith that God had a purpose in her dying. Like you, I was enraged that SHE, of all people, was having to go through so much. It certainly wasn't fair on any level. I couldn't imagine life without Mom. I wilted as she did, weighing 85 pounds when she died even though my eating habits hadn't changed. Part of me just wanted to waste away and be with her. I was sure nothing would ever be okay again. But it was. It took time. A couple of months after she passed I started putting on weight, again with no change in my diet. I think I finally got it that above all people, SHE would want me to live--and flourish. I still miss her. I'll always miss her. But I have experienced much happiness and joy, as she would have wanted. You can't rush the process when you're in such a devastating journey. It will take however long it takes to come to acceptance of this, but it will come.
  • Radioactive34
    Radioactive34 Member Posts: 391 Member
    #12
    Anita1216 said:

    Kelly-
    We are unable to have
    Kelly-

    We are unable to have her at home and she is happy at the skilled nursing facility and they take AWESOME care of her. I am talking to her doctor Wednesday about hospice and if he feels we need to move her to that type of facility. Part of the problem we have had is the lack of really good pallative care and Im at the point now I want answers and she deserves better care in that regard.

    When this all started we talked to mom about what she does and does not want. The five of us know she does not wish to be kept alive by any artifial methods and her final resting place will be with her parents in the family cemetary in W. Virginia.

    On Saturday I spoke with my twin sister about starting the plans for moms funeral and doing it now so that when the time comes, it's not such a hurried procss. We don't want to make choices based on grief and it will be hard enough.

    I understand about wondering how people can just go on with life..my mom is leaving me before Im ready to let her go. I am watching this woman who was so strong, who raised 5 children on her own just fade away. Im pissed off at things I cannot change, but I hide that as best I can.

    I sat with mom a long time yesterday afternoon and she tells me she is not afraid, that God has a plan for her. What about us though? where is my faith in a plan? In some kind of understanding how this can be right or fair? I want to badly to understand how I will manage when the fight is over, how I will carry on though the years to come? I want to know how anything will ever be the same again......

    Sending my cyber support and
    Sending my cyber support and hugs...not much else I can say. The ladies here have it covered.
  • Anita1216
    Anita1216 Member Posts: 58
    #13
    Update......*sigh*
    Well the exam was rather depressing and the news even more difficult to hear. Moms cancer is from hip bone to hip bone, attached to the bladder and rectum. There is no way to remove anything. They did a biopsy of a few places and imagine the shock when it came back as cervical cancer and peritoneal cancer as secondary.

    Wer are how many months out and just being told this? I am so angry right now, so pissed at her oncologist, his staff..every single one of them. She fought this beast 19 years ago!!! She fought and won and here it is back...I can't even begin to tell any of you how horrible this really has become for the family. I know it seems trivial, but we labored under these damn assumptions for months. Her oncologist called it one thing and it turns out to be a damn reoccurence of something she thought she beat almost 2 decades ago.

    We have an appointment with hospice tomorrow. Mom needs more controlled and specialized care now. We want the end of her life to be comfortable and her to have dignity and peace.

    I know there is another forum for this type of cancer, but all of you have been so wonderful to me. I was hoping I could stay on here if that is ok? At this point I cannot bear to retell this horror story.

    I want to roll into a ball and cry myself to sleep.
  • kikz
    kikz Member Posts: 1,345 Member
    #14
    Anita1216 said:

    Update......*sigh*
    Well the exam was rather depressing and the news even more difficult to hear. Moms cancer is from hip bone to hip bone, attached to the bladder and rectum. There is no way to remove anything. They did a biopsy of a few places and imagine the shock when it came back as cervical cancer and peritoneal cancer as secondary.

    Wer are how many months out and just being told this? I am so angry right now, so pissed at her oncologist, his staff..every single one of them. She fought this beast 19 years ago!!! She fought and won and here it is back...I can't even begin to tell any of you how horrible this really has become for the family. I know it seems trivial, but we labored under these damn assumptions for months. Her oncologist called it one thing and it turns out to be a damn reoccurence of something she thought she beat almost 2 decades ago.

    We have an appointment with hospice tomorrow. Mom needs more controlled and specialized care now. We want the end of her life to be comfortable and her to have dignity and peace.

    I know there is another forum for this type of cancer, but all of you have been so wonderful to me. I was hoping I could stay on here if that is ok? At this point I cannot bear to retell this horror story.

    I want to roll into a ball and cry myself to sleep.

    Anita
    I am so sorry your worst fears have been confirmed. It doesn't matter where the cancer is now, your mom is a teal warrior and it appears she won the fight against ovarian cancer. That is no consolation now that the monster has reared its ugly head in anothr area. Of course you can stay on this site. The women here are so supportive and knowledgeable. It has been a godsend for me many times. I wish you peace as you go through this difficult time. Your mom, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Karen

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