Help with an angry caregiver



  • KateNTx
    KateNTx Member Posts: 39

    sounds like it could work very well for you. If your wife won't go with you, then go for yourself. Hello!!!! You are fighting cancer, you shouldn't be fighting everything else along the way too, including spouses and family.

    There are counselors out there who specialize in chronic/long-term illness who are highly qualified to help you. I am Blessed to have one who also has a sub-specialty in marriage counseling. My husband and I both go singly and we go together and it has made us stronger as individuals and as a couple.

    Please do what is best for you. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.


    Sorry if I sound harsh, but...
    Your wife needs to get help. Seriously. Or, maybe she can talk to some of us who would give ANYTHING to be in her shoes again. My own grief is really raw and angry, so it may make me judge her harshly, but in the entire time my husband was ill, when we knew Unknown Primary Cancers have a low to non-existant cure rate, although remissions can occur, I NEVER once thought of let alone threatened/mentioned leaving him. It sounds to me like she is grieving the loss of her "idea" of the relationship and therapy might help. If she's unwilling/unable, you might want to make other plans for your care. This is no time to have added emotional strain in your life.
  • bluerose
    bluerose Member Posts: 1,104

    I just wanted to thank
    I just wanted to thank everyone for their comments, advice, and support. It was hard for me to write the first post because somehow it felt like a betrayal of my wife. But I was so sad and frustrated I needed to tell someone. I have no idea what's going to happen to us. I am very drained and tired and just emotionally flat about the idea of going through treatment again. It's not that I want to die or don't want to fight - I'm just indifferent. I was drawing strength and energy from the idea of fighting for the sake of my loved ones, but now when I see how my wife is acting and I know the pain that's yet to come, I wonder if we'd be better off apart. I know her fear and suffering is great, but I have trouble accepting that although I'm trying to assuage her fears, I don't feel I'm getting the same consideration. I don't want to become a selfish jerk, but sometimes I feel like I need to remind her that I am the one who is sick and although I might not look sick yet, I have physical pain and mental pain that is causing me not function so well.

    So thank you everyone for your suggestions and good luck with all of your stuff. Hopefully I'll be able to offer some support to others once I finally wrap my head around this whole recurrence crap.

    When it comes back after first diagnosis, it's the toughest
    This has happened to me in the past with my NHL, I had one recurrance about 2 years after the first treatments and diagnosis but THAT WAS IT. Disease free and considered cured now for 23 years and you can be there too in the future. Like someone else said here, you have a big enough fight ahead of you THAT IS WORTH IT BY THE WAY, life is worth it, and regardless of this horrific timing of your wife's to melt down now when you need her the most, regardless of all of this you will go on. My husband, at the time, was with me through the second diagnosis but the stresses of him during it all weren't easy. It's a long story, not for this posting, but in the end when I was better - a few years after, I actually asked him to leave. I had gotten new strength from the cancer experience that actually showed me my strengths and I faced it, he was making things harder for me in several ways. It was a huge decision though not only for the obvious of a marriage breakdown but also I physically needed the help and was basically asking it to go.

    However mentally it was the best thing for me so I am telling you this because I want you to see that you too no doubt are going to learn a great deal about yourself from this recurrance and my bet is that most of it will be good.

    The occurance that survivors get after the first diagnosis and treatment is a devastating one for sure, the worst I think after the shock of the diagnosis. First time out a person rallies their strength and raises the cancer flag of battle and says 'charrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggeeeeeee', let's defeat this thing. BUT when it comes back so much of the strength of the person is zapped by disappointment and fear that they might never be free from it again. Well I am here, 23 years after my recurrance, to tell you that you can be free of cancer and it is worth fighting for. Only God knows what's around the corner for any of us, diagnosed or not, you have work to do on earth or you wouldn't still be here. I believe that.

    Take a deep breath and find a great counsellor and lean on him for the time you are going through this. Don't go through it alone, you have this site to support you but you need that counsellor too. Make that your job today, find a counsellor you can relate to and take back your power. Your wife can come with you to counselling or not but you have to take care of yourself first.

    You can do it.