Why don't I miss them??

dorion
dorion Member Posts: 183
in Ovarian Cancer #1
So, after I came back from Canada, I was really depressed because, it really wasn't what I expected. At all. I have this weird feeling that things would be exactly the way they were, like me and my best friend would hang out until 8:00 PM just being crazy and weird, loud, you know, kids...
Then I'd go back home, to my mom, where she'd be totally passed out on the couch or watching TV, or something like that. So much had changed. Elizabeth (Best friend) was so different, not in a good way, basically she's a ****...
I mean, she used to be really boy crazy, and she'd yell "YOU'RE HOT!!" to some skater boy across the street, and she'd brag about making out with a guy, and when a song cam on the radio she'd say "Oh god... not this song... this is the song that was playing when I had my first kiss." I only knew she was lying because it'd always be a different song, but those lies, I liked to hear, I could listen to them all day because it made me feel like a little kid. I liked that, being so carefree about what you say. Now, she's on drugs, she smoked a joint right in front of me... let alone, she found it on the ground. Ew..
She started making out with her boyfriend in front of me, and talking about sex, she's not a virgin anymore either, she proved that to me because she decided it was a great idea to shove a brush handle up there no problem...
I felt dirty around her, I didn't feel like I was 13 anymore...
Now, I mean, I saw that coming because I saw the change happen through our chats on skype, but,
Marisa, Jacqui, Darren, Rosemary, Bobby, everyone in the beaches, they aren't the same.
Marisa got a job, and a cell phone, Marisa is that kind of chick that is totally against any type of technology, and she didn't work, Bjorn did. I felt out of place there...
Jacqui was too busy with her new boyfriend to ever do anything.
Darren, he wasn't around much anymore...
Oh, and old Buddy, Marisa's dog, had died...
Rosemary was so depressed all of the time.
It's like all of the colors were drained out of all of them...
Everything that I loved so much about them, it was all gone.
I tried to talk to them, like I used to, just vent... everytime I tried something would come up, they were all so busy all the time. It never used to be like that!
Then recently, I thought...
Maybe it's me?
I have also changed... a lot.
I mean, I used to depend on them so much, they used to be my support group,
but for almost a year, I only talked to Marisa, maybe twice over the phone?
I didn't talk to any of them, just Marisa.
But I learned to comfort myself when I was sad because my dad said something, or did something, that made me feel lonely, and I got used to it.
I became my own support system. I used to run to them when I got upset, but I couldn't do that when I was here... so when ever I needed a hug, I didn't have anyone to hug me, so I gave myself hugs.
I am more of my own person now.
I am not trying to be anyone.
I just don't know..


It's just all weird, and it's like, I accepted that I am never going to live there, I got used to everything...
I just let go of my old life, because I know it's never going to be the same with out my mom.
So, that's that I guess,
I just let it all go...

Comments

  • carolenk
    carolenk Member Posts: 907 Member
    #2
    Welcome to a new world
    I guess you are "all grown up now."

    I think you will find a new crowd to hang with. Life changes for us all--it might seem that some have it harsher than others but I think sh*t happens to everyone eventually.

    (((hugs)))

    Carolen
  • Karen82
    Karen82 Member Posts: 41
    #3
    carolenk said:

    Welcome to a new world
    I guess you are "all grown up now."

    I think you will find a new crowd to hang with. Life changes for us all--it might seem that some have it harsher than others but I think sh*t happens to everyone eventually.

    (((hugs)))

    Carolen

    I could not have said that
    I could not have said that better myself. I think for the most part that I am just running away from my grief or tryin to anyway. I been through it very recently my own self. I think that I rely mainly on other people even though I do have the strength for the most part to see my own self through life's problems. My mom though I am having a hard time dealing with and got depressed really bad today but got to feel a little better when I went out this evening with one of my cousins. It was nice for a change to do something instead of working all the time. I also try to help my cousin out with my great aunt as well as work my job. Sometimes I don't even feel like I see my kids enough, but I won't regret ever help taking care of my great aunt. Just like that one song says, Me, Myself, and I is all I got in the end, cause when I found out, I took a vow that I am going to be my own best friend. Alot of this phrase of the song is so true. People will fail in being support cause it may seem like something really huge for you, but not to the people who are your friends. Just a thought. I know what you are going through. Best wishes.

    Karen
  • paris11
    paris11 Member Posts: 159
    #4
    I HEAR YOU.
    To feel alone, is tough. Remember, you can do it. You are one special person.


    Love you, Connie
  • Mwee
    Mwee Member Posts: 1,338
    #5
    Hi Hon/ soooo nice to hear from you!
    "I became my own support system".... how strong you've grown in so many ways. I'm sorry that you didn't find your friends to be the same as you remembered. These old friends sound childish and they're not making good decisions for themselves. They haven't been through all the life altering things that you've been through. You've learned to be your own person at a much younger age than many of the kids you'll meet. This will take you far because instead of just going along, you'll make decisions based on your own values.

    Thanks for checking in with us........... ((((HUGS)))) Maria
  • lindaprocopio
    lindaprocopio Member Posts: 1,980 Member
    #6
    Mwee said:

    Hi Hon/ soooo nice to hear from you!
    "I became my own support system".... how strong you've grown in so many ways. I'm sorry that you didn't find your friends to be the same as you remembered. These old friends sound childish and they're not making good decisions for themselves. They haven't been through all the life altering things that you've been through. You've learned to be your own person at a much younger age than many of the kids you'll meet. This will take you far because instead of just going along, you'll make decisions based on your own values.

    Thanks for checking in with us........... ((((HUGS)))) Maria

    You outgrew them. Sweetie. ♥♥♥
    You've outgrown them and they no longer fit you. Just keep the happy memories of 'the good old days' amd move on. Once your friends have some REAL maturity (not this "pretend to be a grown up posturing" they're posing with), you may be able to re-build a relationship with some of the friends that were important to you. But right now they offer you nothing but the potential to pull you down. Put them "on the shelf" for 6 months and see if things change. But back away from them now if you can. (((((hugs)))))

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