Surviving/health guilt

BrianKrashpad · August 2011

I don't know if this had been discussed here before. If it has been overdone, sorry for the repeat.

Does anyone else read the stuff here, or "IRL" stuff you know of others, and feel like "Why am I so lucky/blessed?" Don't get me wrong, this is not a whine. I know I'm lucky and blessed. A month or so I got an unclear PET scan-- and it was a false positive. It hasn't been the smoothest sailing, but compared to some of y'all I've had a really good ride. Sometimes I think my poor, wonderful, wife, has had a harder time of it than I.

Yesterday in church, a fellow church member asked our praise band leader if we could play-- at her funeral. There are 3 people on the church prayer list, who are listed for "cancer," and frankly the other 2 are not doing well at all. The lady who asked us about playing is one of us three. And she is married and has young children. We stopped by their house at Christmas, caroling. She also asked my praise band leader (who's all of 19) if his "dad" (meaning me, I'm not his dad but somehow she thought I was) was "clean." Meaning she was thinking about others even though she's contemplating her own demise.

I keep asking myself, why am I being spared? Why do I get to go back to my family, to my rock bands (and I can even still "sing"!), to church, and to my job? And these two wonderful ladies are having such a very very hard time?

I know this is a great "problem" to have. Just wondering if anyone is going through similar feelings.

Be well.

Hondo · August 2011

God knows

We are not giving the reason why only the assurance that God is there with us like he was with Job. I ask the same question sometimes and all God would say is remember I love you. I take it for that and I keep everyone in my prayer, the only thing good about having Cancer is how close it gets you to knowing God and resting totally in his care. Good post Brian .

Thanks
Hondo

D Lewis · August 2011

Gratitude, not guilt.
I have 'survivor gratitude.' I am not troubled by guilt.

I recognize cancer for the chronic condition that it is. Even though I am healthy at this time, it could change at any moment. I've had cancer, and that fact greatly increases the chance that a cancer will eventually kill me, whether it be a recurrence or a completely new cancer. So every day I breathe in and breathe out, and feel gratitude for what I have today.

Deb

sweetblood22 · August 2011

Hondo said:
God knows

We are not giving the reason why only the assurance that God is there with us like he was with Job. I ask the same question sometimes and all God would say is remember I love you. I take it for that and I keep everyone in my prayer, the only thing good about having Cancer is how close it gets you to knowing God and resting totally in his care. Good post Brian .

Thanks
Hondo

Nope.
Can't say I ever feel that way. I guess I just feel like it wasn't my time to expire.

Most of the time when I wonder about stuff, it's more along the lines of why me as far as getting cancer in the first place, and another person who used to be in my life that did some pretty terrible stuff to me goes unscathed.

I do give thanks every day for my blessings and realize I am lucky.

gibkoch · August 2011

Brian,
I'm not in the same
Brian,

I'm not in the same shoes as you but regarding your question, here is one perspective. Instead of asking God why me (or why not me), you can ask "What is Your plan here." You see in my mind, He's got a purpose for allowing cancer to come to your life as well as for remission to come. For your dear friends in church, He also has a plan. It may be that the wonderful church ladies situations will affect other people close to them in ways that brings peace, grace, and inspiration to others that will affect dozens, hundreds, thousands or even more. So I wouldn't allow guilt to come into your life but instead use His gift to you to empower others who are going through this insidious process. Just another perspective. God Bless.

Gib

BrianKrashpad · August 2011

gibkoch said:
Brian,
I'm not in the same
Brian,

I'm not in the same shoes as you but regarding your question, here is one perspective. Instead of asking God why me (or why not me), you can ask "What is Your plan here." You see in my mind, He's got a purpose for allowing cancer to come to your life as well as for remission to come. For your dear friends in church, He also has a plan. It may be that the wonderful church ladies situations will affect other people close to them in ways that brings peace, grace, and inspiration to others that will affect dozens, hundreds, thousands or even more. So I wouldn't allow guilt to come into your life but instead use His gift to you to empower others who are going through this insidious process. Just another perspective. God Bless.

Gib

thanks
Thanks peeps. These are really good answers and giving me perspective, which is exactly what I needed,

tonyb · August 2011

I know how you feel....
Brian,
I Sometimes feel that i have been blessed so much that i feel guilty.
I know that there are people who deserve blessings much more than me, who don't make it. people who desperately need things that come my way and not theirs. Sometimes it gets pretty overwhelming. Its also hard to explain that to people, because it sounds like i am being ungreatfull to god for his mercy and his love.
I also believe that the only reason, that i have had it so good is because my mother prays for me constantly. My Mother is a saint. and "The prayers of a righteous person avails much" (paraphrasing) I guess it is meant for us that have it good, to pray for those who do not.
Tony

Skiffin16 · August 2011

Similar
Similar to Dawn and others....

I don't really dwell on it..."It is what it is"...nothing will change that.

Yes, I feel bad for the people that don't do well, and there are many on here that have had a rough go of it.

I'm also glad that I'm well and doing well for the most part. I wish it would have never happened, but it did.

A good reason to live your life fully, try not to sweat the small stuff and deal with what comes your way as best you can.

But it has given me the opportunity to try and help others through the journey by my experience of it.

So in that respect, some good has come of it...none of us would have ever interacted without having had cancer. It's somewhat like the military, something we all share and a bond only realized by going through it.

Thoughts & Prayers,
John

akotke · August 2011

hello briankrashpad
I was also diagnosed in nov. Of last year but didnt finish treatment till the end of may this year. I am a praise and worship singer at my church and was wondering how long it took you to be able to sing again? that seems to be the last missing piece to getting my life back. I dont feel guilty about surviving, i feel opportunity. I was suppose to start school in jan. to become a physical therapist assistant. I now have decided to go to school to do radiation. I just remember how sweet those girls were but they really didnt know what i was going through. I want to look into someones eyes who is going through treatment and say i understand like no one else cause ive been there. Thats why i am a survivor. God is going to use my experience to help someone else.

BrianKrashpad · August 2011

akotke said:
hello briankrashpad
I was also diagnosed in nov. Of last year but didnt finish treatment till the end of may this year. I am a praise and worship singer at my church and was wondering how long it took you to be able to sing again? that seems to be the last missing piece to getting my life back. I dont feel guilty about surviving, i feel opportunity. I was suppose to start school in jan. to become a physical therapist assistant. I now have decided to go to school to do radiation. I just remember how sweet those girls were but they really didnt know what i was going through. I want to look into someones eyes who is going through treatment and say i understand like no one else cause ive been there. Thats why i am a survivor. God is going to use my experience to help someone else.

singing
On getting your singing voice back, I would guess that it varies greatly with different people, depending on the extent of their surgery/chemo/radiation. Honestly I don't know how long it really took since I wasn't really pushing it. I'm in a bunch of different bands and in most either I don't sing at all or only do some backing, which is the same for church. I gigged with all those other bands to make sure I had the physical stamina to do a show, and then eventually got around to booking something for my "main" band, that I do all the lead vocals in. Actual time elapsed from end of chemo/radiation and the first gig was 5 and a half months, though I probably could've done it sooner. We're a punk rock band so we put on a pretty strenuous show, and I took things very slowly, so I knew I could put on the kind of show I wanted.

I should point out that I did lose some of my upper register and my voice has become a bit raspier. That's probably the "new normal" for me, fortunately it doesn't really impact singing teh punk rock.

Good luck in your studies and new career!

Now, back to our regularly-scheduled programming.

Be well.

sweetblood22 · August 2011

BrianKrashpad said:
singing
On getting your singing voice back, I would guess that it varies greatly with different people, depending on the extent of their surgery/chemo/radiation. Honestly I don't know how long it really took since I wasn't really pushing it. I'm in a bunch of different bands and in most either I don't sing at all or only do some backing, which is the same for church. I gigged with all those other bands to make sure I had the physical stamina to do a show, and then eventually got around to booking something for my "main" band, that I do all the lead vocals in. Actual time elapsed from end of chemo/radiation and the first gig was 5 and a half months, though I probably could've done it sooner. We're a punk rock band so we put on a pretty strenuous show, and I took things very slowly, so I knew I could put on the kind of show I wanted.

I should point out that I did lose some of my upper register and my voice has become a bit raspier. That's probably the "new normal" for me, fortunately it doesn't really impact singing teh punk rock.

Good luck in your studies and new career!

Now, back to our regularly-scheduled programming.

Be well.

I sang 2nd soprano in two
I sang 2nd soprano in two choirs. One was my church, and the other an 86 member chorale group. Both were very much a huge part of my life. I tried to go back to singing, but because of my severe lack of saliva I cannot sing. It killed me to give it up, but since I cannot even talk for more than a couple of sentences, singing is just not going to work. I went to rehearsal for a couple of months, dragging every dry mouth product I have been able to find, and nothing worked. I was getting my control back, and was mostly on pitch, but the dry mouth and coughing and then sneezing uncontrollably would kick in. That's just not going to work.

I am glad you can still do what you love, Brian. Akotke, I hope that you will be able to sing again soon.

BrianKrashpad · August 2011

sweetblood22 said:
I sang 2nd soprano in two
I sang 2nd soprano in two choirs. One was my church, and the other an 86 member chorale group. Both were very much a huge part of my life. I tried to go back to singing, but because of my severe lack of saliva I cannot sing. It killed me to give it up, but since I cannot even talk for more than a couple of sentences, singing is just not going to work. I went to rehearsal for a couple of months, dragging every dry mouth product I have been able to find, and nothing worked. I was getting my control back, and was mostly on pitch, but the dry mouth and coughing and then sneezing uncontrollably would kick in. That's just not going to work.

I am glad you can still do what you love, Brian. Akotke, I hope that you will be able to sing again soon.

I am glad you can still do what you love, Brian.
Thanks. Fact is I wasn't much of a singer to begin with. I'm more a guitarist who sings some, than a singer who plays some guitar.

In fact for trained folks like you, it probably stretches reality to call what I do "singing" at all. I'm sorry to hear that you had to curtail your choir participation. I very much doubt I could even get into a choir! They'd have to be pretty desperate for male voices for that to happen.

Be well.

sweetblood22 · August 2011

BrianKrashpad said:
I am glad you can still do what you love, Brian.
Thanks. Fact is I wasn't much of a singer to begin with. I'm more a guitarist who sings some, than a singer who plays some guitar.

In fact for trained folks like you, it probably stretches reality to call what I do "singing" at all. I'm sorry to hear that you had to curtail your choir participation. I very much doubt I could even get into a choir! They'd have to be pretty desperate for male voices for that to happen.

Be well.

Desperate for male voices.
THEY ARE! Lmbo. It was always a joke because I had to audition to get in, where with the boys, it's automatic! Out of the 86 people, there were probably 35 sopranos 30 alto and 21 men Total (tenor bass and baritone). Made it tough when we split into 8 parts because for the guys there might be only one or two people singing your part with you.

And I wasn't trained. Well, I have had voice lessons, but I really cannot read music. I did play bass guitar 20 years or 25 ago, but I just played by ear. I also could not sing and play at the same time. Lol

palmyrafan · August 2011

Spared?
I will answer this from a spiritual standpoint.

You are being spared, or have been spared, because your mission isn't over yet. You know what I'm talking about. I firmly believe that we are all here to complete a mission; we don't know what it is or how long it will take to achieve. Your mission isn't over yet.

Whether it is so the doctors can "learn" something from your medical case or those in your life learn how to live their lives more fully and completely, you're still here for a reason.

It would be real easy to say, "medicine isn't an exact science" and you'd be right. But why is it then that a young 30 year old has brain tumors (meningiomas) and is expected to make a full recovery, yet she dies? And then you have the 62 year old man, not in the best of health, who also has brain tumors (meningiomas) and is only given a 20% chance of surviving surgery and he not only survives, but makes a complete recovery with no after-effects?

Take this 2nd chance that you have been given and PRAISE THE LORD! Pay it forward. Volunteer your time (if you aren't already) by working with others like yourself who can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. But make your life a positive not a negative. Truly appreciate each and every day that you are given.

For each day is a gift to be shared.

Peace,
Teresa

palmyrafan · August 2011

gibkoch said:
Brian,
I'm not in the same
Brian,

I'm not in the same shoes as you but regarding your question, here is one perspective. Instead of asking God why me (or why not me), you can ask "What is Your plan here." You see in my mind, He's got a purpose for allowing cancer to come to your life as well as for remission to come. For your dear friends in church, He also has a plan. It may be that the wonderful church ladies situations will affect other people close to them in ways that brings peace, grace, and inspiration to others that will affect dozens, hundreds, thousands or even more. So I wouldn't allow guilt to come into your life but instead use His gift to you to empower others who are going through this insidious process. Just another perspective. God Bless.

Gib

Agree
I also agree with gib. God turned me from an annoying perfectionist into a humbled servant. I re-dedicated my life to Him shortly after being diagnosed with brain tumors and He has never let me down since. Oh He has let me stew for a while because He knows there are many things I can do myself if I will just take the time to figure them out.

But He has also Graced me with Compassion, Fear, Acceptance, etc. Whereas before, I was a scared, mousy, mouthy young soul. I'm not the same person I was emotionally or spiritually before my tumor/cancer diagnosis.

Well....duh....right? Not necessarily. I've also learned that God is the bus driver, not me. Every time I try to drive the bus (doing things my way without consulting Him first) I drive the bus into a ditch and I always hear God laughing and saying "you done child?"

Now I also believe that God has a sense of humor. How can He not when He sees us all down here looking like a bunch of bumbling idiots and He doesn't want to step in and intervene? I think that Mother Teresa said it best when she said "sometimes I wish God didn't trust me so much".

Teresa

Surviving/health guilt

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