If I hear these one more time grrrr.(vent)

Venting
I think it's a very human response and how often do humans
act logically or make sense? (Include me here).

How about this one: "He/She is in a better place now..."
I totally get your frustration with this.

I do think people generally mean well when they say these things.
Most of us have been in the situation where you just don't know
what to say or there aren't words that really can soothe a grieving
soul.

Another one: "Things could be worse..."

I experience that everytime I go to clinic or the hospital for my treatments.
While in the hospital, I usually try to walk around a bit (IV pole and all)
and it doesn't take long for me to see someone dealing with more than me.
I walked through the solarium on the cancer floors and saw a bench
dedicated to a young man who passed at the age of 24 (I'm 54). I realize
despite the current cirucmstances, I'm very lucky.

That is one of the benefits/purposes of this website, being able to share with others
who are in similar situations and understand first hand.

In our culture we are not very educated about death and dying. It's almost
a taboo subject for discussion. We hide our elderly and the frail so we won't
be reminded of our own mortality. We are uncomfortable with the whole topic.

For me, in dealing with all of this, I'm having to come to terms or peace with
the possible "finality" of this - which is something everyone has to face as part
of life.

Sorry if I got up on a soap box. Still coming down off prednisone .

Hugs

Jim

It's all in perspective
Funny how good intentions can get a bad rap. I think I would still prefer to hear the things you mentioned over someone just being honest. Imagine seeing friends or aquaintences that heard you had cancer and said; "Wow, sucks to be you"...Or what about "Boy, you are in for a world of hurt. I understand chemo kills more people than it helps.." Then there's always, "You sure look sick, you must hate the world right now..." You see, people lose either way. The other side of the coin is how to reply when someone says "how do you feel" or So, how is the treatment going?" Do you tell the truth about how much it hurts and how you can barely get out of bed in the morning or do you just say you're OK? Regardless of what people say, I think cancer patients need to give everyone else a pass on their awkward moments because we all know that most of them are thinking "I'm glad it's not me"..... And for most of them I'm also thinking, "I'm glad it's not you"....

PS. I do believe (not in the religious sense) everything does happen for a reason. If you trust in cause and effect but still believe in chance and coincidence then you can see how everything could happen for a reason that you will never know. Every event or occurence that has ever happened and was thouroughly investigated has been found to have a reason or a theory why it happened. Rarely if ever has an investigation or research study concluded that "there is no reason this happened". It would take something supernatural to go against the laws of physics or nature to make something spontaniously happen without reason or that any event or occurance will have no effect on the rest of the world.
Just saying, maybe people say that for non-religious reasons.....

sure_hope said:

How Long Do You Have?
PLEASE DON’T MENTION TO ME THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW WHO HAVE DIED OF CANCER. I have had so many (well meaning) people do that to me. Why not mention people you know who are living with cancer instead.

One of my best friends actually said the worst thing to me when she found out about my metastasis. [She didn't mean any harm, though]

She said: “Do you need me to help you make any arrangements?” Now, in my mind I’m thinking: ‘MY FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS??’ --- I don’t know what I was seeking emotionally when I told her about it, but it certainly wasn’t THAT!

Anyway, I was reading an article in the Awake magazine about breast cancer and how you can show your support to a family member or a friend with breast cancer or any type of cancer for that matter.

One husband said that they regularly have a ‘cancer free day.’ They would take a vacation from the disease by not talking about it for a day. Instead, they would spend the whole day focusing only on positive aspects of their lives.

Another husband, whose wife has breast cancer, would tell people that ‘they’ have cancer.(AAAWWW

One woman, who was a cancer survivor herself, suggested that you should just go up and hug your friend, and if your friend wants to talk about it, she will. (I love this suggestion)

The principle behind these suggestions is to ‘rejoice with people who rejoice; weep with people who weep.’ – Romans 12:15

1. Pray together
2. Read comforting scriptures together
3. Express your love and concern; telephone calls; emails; cards; brief visits;
anything to let them know that you are thinking about them and that you are ready
to support them if they need it.


Sheryl

Woah interesting subject
I read all the posts under this subject and what kept coming back to me was that those things that people say, and I too believe most have the best of intentions when saying them, aren't wrong to say in themselves but the timing is something that might be lacking.

One of your examples was about a situation where a child has died and now I forget what the quote was but it was inappropriate for that particular situation but would be fine for another situation perhaps. Not all things that are nice to say to someone individually can't be used for any situation, only those where the timing is right.

I think too that many people don't know what to say at all in times of tragedy of one kind of another so they either stay clear of the person in trouble so they don't have to say anything or they try and sometimes unfortunately don't think it all through as to when might be a better time for that particular saying or quote.

Sounds like you were at the end of your ropes at that point anywho and there probably wasn't much that anyone could say right then, you just needed to be alone and maybe talk and think about something else totally off the subject. Just a guess, maybe I'm wrong.

Anywho I guess the other side of it is that at least you have people who are willing to try to help you, even if they aren't always politically correct about your situation, and that's better than not having anyone there at all to at least try to help you through.

It's hard for people to know what to say when someone is hurting and I know it's hard sometimes to hear what people have to say when it's you who are the one hurting. We go through so many stages in grief and fear - people miss the stages and the wrong thing is said many times. Know that most people mean the best and try to take what they say in the spirit it was meant.

Just my one cent's worth.

Blessings,

Bluerose

Dark Humor
Hey Ms Sunshine....maybe this is not the right topic to say this, but once I got through your rant (and I have to admit I did feel a little better after reading it and I hope you do now too),and I'm sorry I just couldn't help it, but I cracked up laughing when I saw your name! What irony that Ms Sunshine let loose and got that anger out! I can't imagine someone saying something kinda dumb and being punched in the face by Ms Sunshine hee hee!! I heard a saying once "Anger is a hot coal that you hold in your hand waiting to throw at someone, and in the end you both get hurt." I hope you have let go of some of your anger by venting here and are not throwing hot coals at your friends and family. I don't mean to make light of your feelings because they are completely understandable, but after you calm down I hope you can at least get a chuckle. Or I truly am sorry if I'm one of those kinda dumb people.
Cat