New to all of this....

croman61227
croman61227 Member Posts: 5
in Caregivers #1
Hello, my 86yr old dad was just diagnosed with stage 4 non-hodgkins lymphoma. Because of his already ill health, weakened condition, dr. is only giving us a time-frame of "months" (because dad does not wish any treatment or want to "fight" this). Needless to say, many many decisions to make very soon. I simply want to introduce myself here and I know I'll be coming here often for advice and answers to what I'm sure will be many questions :) We're all doing as well as can be expected for now, but my first question to all of you (My new friends I hope), would be what is the number one piece of advice you can give my sisters and me right now, in this earliest stage of our situation.

Comments

  • mr steve
    mr steve Member Posts: 285
    #2
    It's your Dad's call
    Listen to what your dad wants and work with both him and his docs to what is best for him. It's not a easy task, but better in the long run.
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #3
    forgive the little things
    It sounds like you come from a loving family. Even so, everyone will react to this change differently, and sometimes say or do things that will provoke ill feelings. Be prepared to forgive instantly, and to let small slights go. I also think it's wise to approach your father's death as a natural process. There is a book called Final Gifts by Callahan & somebody that is very enlightening and comforting.

    I lost my dad to cancer ten years ago, and now I'm caring for my elderly mother. Good luck.
  • croman61227
    croman61227 Member Posts: 5
    #4
    mr steve said:

    It's your Dad's call
    Listen to what your dad wants and work with both him and his docs to what is best for him. It's not a easy task, but better in the long run.

    Thank you so much for taking
    Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me. We have made it very clear to my dad that all we want, is what he wants. We will respect his wishes entirely, no matter what they might be. It is all still very new and right now the drs are trying to make him stronger and healthier as best they can. He'll be heading to a re-hab facility and will try to get some strength back in his muscles. Then we'll see what the next step will be. We believe ultimately he would like to be at home as soon as possible, for as long as possible.
  • croman61227
    croman61227 Member Posts: 5
    #5
    Barbara53 said:

    forgive the little things
    It sounds like you come from a loving family. Even so, everyone will react to this change differently, and sometimes say or do things that will provoke ill feelings. Be prepared to forgive instantly, and to let small slights go. I also think it's wise to approach your father's death as a natural process. There is a book called Final Gifts by Callahan & somebody that is very enlightening and comforting.

    I lost my dad to cancer ten years ago, and now I'm caring for my elderly mother. Good luck.

    Oh Barbara, have you met my
    Oh Barbara, have you met my sisters LOL! Actually as sad as it is to say, all of this so far has brought us much closer together than we've been since our mom died 6 years ago. God works in mysterious ways I guess. Thanks also for the suggestion of the book, I believe I've heard of it as well and I'm going to go now and see if I can find it on amazon.com. Thank you!
  • pmpupdamike
    pmpupdamike Member Posts: 2
    #6
    same boat
    Hi there. First I want to say, how very sorry I am for your dad's condition. I wish you and him, all the peace and strength need to deal with future issues. I have no real advice for you, I can only share, that I too, am in the same boat. I was just informed by my dad's doctor, that his cancer is no longer responsive to chemo. I am at a lost as to what to do, as well. I think, maybe just pray, and hope? Best wishes to you, and I hope to be able to correspond.
  • Faithful_Angel
    Faithful_Angel Member Posts: 86
    #7
    croman61227 said:

    Oh Barbara, have you met my
    Oh Barbara, have you met my sisters LOL! Actually as sad as it is to say, all of this so far has brought us much closer together than we've been since our mom died 6 years ago. God works in mysterious ways I guess. Thanks also for the suggestion of the book, I believe I've heard of it as well and I'm going to go now and see if I can find it on amazon.com. Thank you!

    Final Gifts
    I too suggest the book "final Gifts" I was recommended to read that after my dad's diagnosis Stage IV stomach cancer *58 yrs old* It shed so much light and hope on the situation.. Please make sure you do read it..Very worth the time! Best of luck and welcome to the site that no one wants to have to be part of but very glad we are here..
  • mswijiknyc
    mswijiknyc Member Posts: 421
    #8
    One thing
    My advice, if it hasn't been done already, is to get hospice involved ASAP. They will help your dad be comfortable and as pain free as possible to enjoy all the other suggestions that everyone else has. They can also give you a wealth of other information and support that will be needed as time goes on.

    My only other suggestion is this: whatever your dad wants - to eat, to do, to not do, to not eat, to drink, to not drink - let him. You will have zero regrets. Also, forget all the little day to day stuff, and the big stuff if you can. Just enjoy each other.

    If you need to vent, or need anything else, feel free to PM me.

    Loves and Hugs,
    April
  • croman61227
    croman61227 Member Posts: 5
    #9
    pmpupdamike said:

    same boat
    Hi there. First I want to say, how very sorry I am for your dad's condition. I wish you and him, all the peace and strength need to deal with future issues. I have no real advice for you, I can only share, that I too, am in the same boat. I was just informed by my dad's doctor, that his cancer is no longer responsive to chemo. I am at a lost as to what to do, as well. I think, maybe just pray, and hope? Best wishes to you, and I hope to be able to correspond.

    I'm so very sorry to hear
    I'm so very sorry to hear about your dad too. It is not easy to watch a loved one go through this. I hope that you have support in your family and help in making the difficult decisions that need to be made. I'm very lucky to have wonderful sisters and we're definitely leaning on each other. I wish you the best as well, and I hope you and your dad can find peace and joy in the time you have together.
  • croman61227
    croman61227 Member Posts: 5
    #10
    mswijiknyc said:

    One thing
    My advice, if it hasn't been done already, is to get hospice involved ASAP. They will help your dad be comfortable and as pain free as possible to enjoy all the other suggestions that everyone else has. They can also give you a wealth of other information and support that will be needed as time goes on.

    My only other suggestion is this: whatever your dad wants - to eat, to do, to not do, to not eat, to drink, to not drink - let him. You will have zero regrets. Also, forget all the little day to day stuff, and the big stuff if you can. Just enjoy each other.

    If you need to vent, or need anything else, feel free to PM me.

    Loves and Hugs,
    April

    Thanks, getting hospice
    Thanks, getting hospice involved, or at least getting all the information as soon as possible was the way we were all thinking as well. I also agree that my dad should be able to enjoy whatever he wants, or not have anything he doesn't want. At this point, let him enjoy every single moment of his life without any hassle or someone telling him what he can't do or eat.

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