Challenges Ahead...

I haven’t felt much like writing the last little while. I’ve been exhausted, in discomfort, and not sleeping well at all. I’ve had so much on my mind and have felt extremely emotional. I had my 18th radiation treatment on Friday. I also met with my psychiatrist at the cancer agency afterward. Her name is Donna and she’s amazing. I explained to Donna that I’ve been having some pretty disturbing nightmares over the last month or so. I’ve been dreaming about cancer recurrence, having to undergo chemo all over again, being told I’m terminal, etc. The nightmares are quite vivid and quite realistic. Donna explained that many cancer patients experience such nightmares, especially as they reach the end of active treatment. I went on to explain that I’m extremely anxious as I have a mammogram coming up soon and I’m terrified something will be found. Donna agreed with me that this whole year of my cancer journey has been extremely traumatizing. Everything I’ve experienced and gone through has been beyond intense. I feel lost these days. Donna and I discussed how life and living must be re-learned after cancer. Every aspect of life and living must now be lived mindfully; taking set time each day to rest, changing diet and physical activity, how I handle stress and stressful situations, taking time to practice relaxation and meditation, and taking control of my own health care again. My primary focus in the months ahead is to regain my health and strength, physically, mentally and emotionally.

It’s not an easy transition for cancer patients to go from being so closely monitored, scheduled, treated, checked upon, on a weekly basis to all of sudden the ride stops and the monitoring still happens, however, it will go from daily and weekly, to once every three to six months.

I told Donna I’m terrified of recurrence. For me, the next two to three years will be a very crucial time as far as recurrence is concerned. For women like me who are Triple Negative, the highest rate of recurrence happens in the first two to three years post-treatment. I explained I feel like I will be living each day like I have to look over shoulder. As I’ve written many times before, there are no guarantees in this journey. I’m not being negative or pessimistic; I’m being realistic and very aware of what I have gone through and what lies ahead of me.

I now live with constant reminders of the trauma that I have endured in this journey, severe scars both physical and emotional, nerve damage, mobility issues, ongoing physical pain, chemo brain, headaches and Lymphadema.

The Lymphadema is a permanent souvenir from this journey and one I’d rather not have. It has become worsened with the radiation treatments and the summer heat. I’ve begun the manual lymphatic drainage massage and it is extremely helpful and effective, but will take time to get the Lymphadema to a manageable level. The treatments will be costing us a small fortune every month; between $1,200 and $1,500 each month. This is all so incredibly stressful for us financially, emotionally and for me psychologically.

By the middle of August I will hopefully have the information regarding the new extended health company that Scott’s employer is switching to and hopefully can get them to pay for the rental or purchase of the Lympha-Press machine so I can use it at home in combination with the massage treatments.

I've also missed my three girls terribly this week. We picked them up from Uma and Grandpa's this morning and they've been telling us all about their week at the horse ranch. I'm also feeling quite emotional as my eldest will only be home with us for 10 days and then she's off to Europe with her Uma and Grandpa for three and half weeks. I will miss her so incredibly much that the thought of her being away so long makes my heart ache. She is so looking forward to going and is thrilled that she will have her Uma and Grandpa to herself for the duration.

It's hard to come to terms with the reality that she is a decade old already. Our middle daughter will be turning 9 on August 16 and our littlest one is seven and half. I love them so very much and they make me proud each day. They are all beautiful, smart, loving, giving, compassionate, intelligent, intuitive and caring girls. In less than six weeks they will all be returning to school into grades 5, 4, and 2 respectively.

Each time I look at them or think of them, I say to myself - I must live for them, they need me.

Thanks for letting me vent...