Shame...anyone else feel this way?
Comments
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Don't be ashamed
Is it the 'anal' part of the cancer diagnosis that's making you feel ashamed? Probably. I felt the same way at first. Would you be ashamed if you had breast cancer instead of anal cancer? Probably not. It's that word 'anal' that makes us cringe and shudder and feel like we did something bad. You didn't do anything wrong. The only thing you did was have sex. And there's nothing wrong with that. Don't feel ashamed. Hold your head high and accept yourself unconditionally. You've got nothing to be ashamed of. You also are not obligated to tell anyone you've got anal cancer. Some people are comfortable saying it, others are not. It's entirely up to you.
I posted this in another thread - maybe it will help - just writing it helped me:
"Don't anyone feel guilty because you have anal cancer. One of the first things my husband told me after I was diagnosed was 'It's not your fault you got cancer.' Thank you husband - I needed that so bad. I HAD been feeling guilty. I did something. I smoked too much, I drank too much, I had too many partners - it was my fault I had cancer.
No, he said, it is not your fault you got cancer.
My brain still thinks maybe it is. I drank and smoked my way through my 20s and 30s. I had several relationships. Maybe it WAS my fault.
But many folks who didn't drink, didn't smoke, and had fewer partners than me have this HPV virus and will never get anal cancer. And many folks who did MORE than me have this HPV virus and will never get anal cancer. My oncologist told me that half the population of the United States has HPV; it's only in a very small percentage of people that it turns to cancer. It's the 'why' of this that's unknown. Why do some people get it and others don't? The doctors don't know and neither do we.
I do know this - God is not punishing us with anal cancer because we sinned. We all sin at one time or another. If we didn't we wouldn't be human. God would never use cancer as a punishment. If anything, it is a chance to renew your faith and talk to God more openly.
Whatever your religion, or if you have none, remember, 'It is not your fault you got cancer.'"0 -
Thank youRoseC said:Don't be ashamed
Is it the 'anal' part of the cancer diagnosis that's making you feel ashamed? Probably. I felt the same way at first. Would you be ashamed if you had breast cancer instead of anal cancer? Probably not. It's that word 'anal' that makes us cringe and shudder and feel like we did something bad. You didn't do anything wrong. The only thing you did was have sex. And there's nothing wrong with that. Don't feel ashamed. Hold your head high and accept yourself unconditionally. You've got nothing to be ashamed of. You also are not obligated to tell anyone you've got anal cancer. Some people are comfortable saying it, others are not. It's entirely up to you.
I posted this in another thread - maybe it will help - just writing it helped me:
"Don't anyone feel guilty because you have anal cancer. One of the first things my husband told me after I was diagnosed was 'It's not your fault you got cancer.' Thank you husband - I needed that so bad. I HAD been feeling guilty. I did something. I smoked too much, I drank too much, I had too many partners - it was my fault I had cancer.
No, he said, it is not your fault you got cancer.
My brain still thinks maybe it is. I drank and smoked my way through my 20s and 30s. I had several relationships. Maybe it WAS my fault.
But many folks who didn't drink, didn't smoke, and had fewer partners than me have this HPV virus and will never get anal cancer. And many folks who did MORE than me have this HPV virus and will never get anal cancer. My oncologist told me that half the population of the United States has HPV; it's only in a very small percentage of people that it turns to cancer. It's the 'why' of this that's unknown. Why do some people get it and others don't? The doctors don't know and neither do we.
I do know this - God is not punishing us with anal cancer because we sinned. We all sin at one time or another. If we didn't we wouldn't be human. God would never use cancer as a punishment. If anything, it is a chance to renew your faith and talk to God more openly.
Whatever your religion, or if you have none, remember, 'It is not your fault you got cancer.'"
Thank you for your support. This means so much to me.0 -
I totally agree7243 said:Thank you
Thank you for your support. This means so much to me.
Considering the fact that nearly 70+ percent of the population will have HPV by the time they reach the age of 50, it's really easy to see that it is not your fault. We are humans, with urges and desires--having sex is a normal part of life. My husband has never been anything but supportive to me and I am so thankful for that. I hope you will not blame yourself for this. HPV takes years to wreck havoc--no one could have predicted the end results.0 -
NO Shame
i cringed at first when i heard the word anal. but then farrah fawcett came on TV the very next day after i was diagnosed so i started telling people that i had farrah's cancer. now i just say anal cancer. i try to answer anyone's questions and tell them to get their children vacinated. everyone used to whisper the words breast cancer , too. a long time ago but i remember that. our bodies could not fight off the cancer cells. everyone has cancer cells. do not feel shame. unfortunately, more and more anal cancers are being diagnosed. i do not blame myself at all. life is full of hazards. but we have each other on this site and can help each other. my hubby has never blamed me for this. he has , in fact, asked me if i thought he had given me this HPV. i did not even think that . hugs to you sephie0 -
another thought
just to let you know. i have never been diagnosed with HPV --not during any of my pap smears for 40 years or at MDA before and after tx. but i am learning that i could have it anyway and not have it diagnosed at any of those pap smears. i never smoked but have had more than 1 sexual encounter but still never got the HPV diagnosis with my annual pap smears. so we can get this cancer and not have a specific HPV diagnosis. sephie.0 -
I always had clear papsephie said:another thought
just to let you know. i have never been diagnosed with HPV --not during any of my pap smears for 40 years or at MDA before and after tx. but i am learning that i could have it anyway and not have it diagnosed at any of those pap smears. i never smoked but have had more than 1 sexual encounter but still never got the HPV diagnosis with my annual pap smears. so we can get this cancer and not have a specific HPV diagnosis. sephie.
I always had clear pap smears too - never once did I have anything irregular show up. I started having paps at around age 18 and am now 57. I never did have an anal smear though. It was never suggested, nor did I even know one was available (though I probably wouldn't have wanted it anyway
). My gyn once mentioned that the HPV virus most often settles in a woman's cervix but that sometimes, for unknown reasons, it settles in the anal canal. I never read that anywhere else, but that's what she said. 0 -
Shame..me too......
I posted a day or so ago about squamash cell carcinoma of the rectum. Is this what you have? HPV seems to be the main cause and like you I say colon.....I did not even know about HPV until now...still waiting to find out how this is to be handled. I would appreciate if anyone would share...0 -
shame thingLorikat said:Shame..me too......
I posted a day or so ago about squamash cell carcinoma of the rectum. Is this what you have? HPV seems to be the main cause and like you I say colon.....I did not even know about HPV until now...still waiting to find out how this is to be handled. I would appreciate if anyone would share...
I totally get this thing about shame. So the first thing I did is announce it to practically everyone I knew. "I have been diagnosed with anal cancer" - then I made a joke - "Farrah Fawcett Designer cancer." While everyone was probably still reeling I was having a chuckle at my own humor.
I call her Saint Farrah for one reason, because, though Anal cancer is rare it helped to not have to keep repeating to people the kind of cancer I have. Apparently the world was watching Farrah.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me has not been this cancer. The death of my only child topped that list twenty years ago. She was 20. Her death was likely foul play and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. They never found a cause of death and without that you have nothing.
But when I read the psalms and other biblical material it goes so far back that we are ashamed about things that happen to us and/or our families I realize that it's the human condition.
We can change this by saying our diagnoses out loud. It will help others too.
I am so glad Saint Farrah said it out loud. That's why we all have each other. But if you can't do this. I understand. Some of the reason I can do this is because I'm 61 years old and have had quite a life. But you are precious and it's my belief that God loves you and wants you to love yourself and be proud of your body. This is just one little thing in it gone wrong and you are working to make it right by coming on line here with us and following your doctors instructions. We'll come through this together. I'm praying for you right now.0 -
I'm so very, very sorrysandysp said:shame thing
I totally get this thing about shame. So the first thing I did is announce it to practically everyone I knew. "I have been diagnosed with anal cancer" - then I made a joke - "Farrah Fawcett Designer cancer." While everyone was probably still reeling I was having a chuckle at my own humor.
I call her Saint Farrah for one reason, because, though Anal cancer is rare it helped to not have to keep repeating to people the kind of cancer I have. Apparently the world was watching Farrah.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me has not been this cancer. The death of my only child topped that list twenty years ago. She was 20. Her death was likely foul play and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. They never found a cause of death and without that you have nothing.
But when I read the psalms and other biblical material it goes so far back that we are ashamed about things that happen to us and/or our families I realize that it's the human condition.
We can change this by saying our diagnoses out loud. It will help others too.
I am so glad Saint Farrah said it out loud. That's why we all have each other. But if you can't do this. I understand. Some of the reason I can do this is because I'm 61 years old and have had quite a life. But you are precious and it's my belief that God loves you and wants you to love yourself and be proud of your body. This is just one little thing in it gone wrong and you are working to make it right by coming on line here with us and following your doctors instructions. We'll come through this together. I'm praying for you right now.
I'm so very, very sorry about your daughter, Sandy0 -
Wow....so sorry about yoursandysp said:shame thing
I totally get this thing about shame. So the first thing I did is announce it to practically everyone I knew. "I have been diagnosed with anal cancer" - then I made a joke - "Farrah Fawcett Designer cancer." While everyone was probably still reeling I was having a chuckle at my own humor.
I call her Saint Farrah for one reason, because, though Anal cancer is rare it helped to not have to keep repeating to people the kind of cancer I have. Apparently the world was watching Farrah.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me has not been this cancer. The death of my only child topped that list twenty years ago. She was 20. Her death was likely foul play and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. They never found a cause of death and without that you have nothing.
But when I read the psalms and other biblical material it goes so far back that we are ashamed about things that happen to us and/or our families I realize that it's the human condition.
We can change this by saying our diagnoses out loud. It will help others too.
I am so glad Saint Farrah said it out loud. That's why we all have each other. But if you can't do this. I understand. Some of the reason I can do this is because I'm 61 years old and have had quite a life. But you are precious and it's my belief that God loves you and wants you to love yourself and be proud of your body. This is just one little thing in it gone wrong and you are working to make it right by coming on line here with us and following your doctors instructions. We'll come through this together. I'm praying for you right now.
Wow....so sorry about your daughter. Puts the world in perspective. God bless.0 -
I'm sorry about your daughter, Sandy--sandysp said:shame thing
I totally get this thing about shame. So the first thing I did is announce it to practically everyone I knew. "I have been diagnosed with anal cancer" - then I made a joke - "Farrah Fawcett Designer cancer." While everyone was probably still reeling I was having a chuckle at my own humor.
I call her Saint Farrah for one reason, because, though Anal cancer is rare it helped to not have to keep repeating to people the kind of cancer I have. Apparently the world was watching Farrah.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me has not been this cancer. The death of my only child topped that list twenty years ago. She was 20. Her death was likely foul play and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. They never found a cause of death and without that you have nothing.
But when I read the psalms and other biblical material it goes so far back that we are ashamed about things that happen to us and/or our families I realize that it's the human condition.
We can change this by saying our diagnoses out loud. It will help others too.
I am so glad Saint Farrah said it out loud. That's why we all have each other. But if you can't do this. I understand. Some of the reason I can do this is because I'm 61 years old and have had quite a life. But you are precious and it's my belief that God loves you and wants you to love yourself and be proud of your body. This is just one little thing in it gone wrong and you are working to make it right by coming on line here with us and following your doctors instructions. We'll come through this together. I'm praying for you right now.
That really is something which puts this all in perspective. I'm so sorry for your loss.0 -
These treatments are tough,sandysp said:shame thing
I totally get this thing about shame. So the first thing I did is announce it to practically everyone I knew. "I have been diagnosed with anal cancer" - then I made a joke - "Farrah Fawcett Designer cancer." While everyone was probably still reeling I was having a chuckle at my own humor.
I call her Saint Farrah for one reason, because, though Anal cancer is rare it helped to not have to keep repeating to people the kind of cancer I have. Apparently the world was watching Farrah.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me has not been this cancer. The death of my only child topped that list twenty years ago. She was 20. Her death was likely foul play and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. They never found a cause of death and without that you have nothing.
But when I read the psalms and other biblical material it goes so far back that we are ashamed about things that happen to us and/or our families I realize that it's the human condition.
We can change this by saying our diagnoses out loud. It will help others too.
I am so glad Saint Farrah said it out loud. That's why we all have each other. But if you can't do this. I understand. Some of the reason I can do this is because I'm 61 years old and have had quite a life. But you are precious and it's my belief that God loves you and wants you to love yourself and be proud of your body. This is just one little thing in it gone wrong and you are working to make it right by coming on line here with us and following your doctors instructions. We'll come through this together. I'm praying for you right now.
These treatments are tough, but nothing can compare to the pain of loosing someone, especially a child. I have a 20 year old and just thinking about the possibility of something happening to her frightens me. I am so sorry you had to bear such pain, God bless you! I pray for strength for all who are battling this disease, with His help, it that can be thrashed.0 -
It's not easy to talk about....patacz said:These treatments are tough,
These treatments are tough, but nothing can compare to the pain of loosing someone, especially a child. I have a 20 year old and just thinking about the possibility of something happening to her frightens me. I am so sorry you had to bear such pain, God bless you! I pray for strength for all who are battling this disease, with His help, it that can be thrashed.
I do find myself "whispering" what type of cancer I had. When people find out I'm a cancer survivor, the first thing they do is look at my chest, assuming it was breast cancer. I can tell that's what they are thinking because of where they are looking. So I tell them, it was not breast cancer and then I find myself getting timid about talking about what type it was. Of course I reference Farrah and then they looked dismayed and I get the pity look as if I'm going to die. So then I have to explain that Farrah's case was not the norm, etc, etc. But because there is so little known about anal cancer, I'm sure people go the internet and look it up. So of course they think I slept around a lot, (didn't) had certain type of intercourse (didn't) or smoked my way to this cancer (possibly). So I will admit I tend to try to explain too much. I do say colo/rectal cancer sometimes then I get stories about friends and relatives who had colon cancer, etc. and did I have that type of treatment, etc, etc. Now that I think about it, I spend way too much time defending myself.
I'm still baffled about this type of cancer. If smoking causes it, it would be much more wide spread. Same thing for the other stated causes. Just doesn't make sense. I also never tested positive for HPV, but like Martha said, 70% of the population carries it. If I have it, it was predominately dormant but one day stuck it's ugly head out and wham.
Liz0 -
Sandylizdeli said:It's not easy to talk about....
I do find myself "whispering" what type of cancer I had. When people find out I'm a cancer survivor, the first thing they do is look at my chest, assuming it was breast cancer. I can tell that's what they are thinking because of where they are looking. So I tell them, it was not breast cancer and then I find myself getting timid about talking about what type it was. Of course I reference Farrah and then they looked dismayed and I get the pity look as if I'm going to die. So then I have to explain that Farrah's case was not the norm, etc, etc. But because there is so little known about anal cancer, I'm sure people go the internet and look it up. So of course they think I slept around a lot, (didn't) had certain type of intercourse (didn't) or smoked my way to this cancer (possibly). So I will admit I tend to try to explain too much. I do say colo/rectal cancer sometimes then I get stories about friends and relatives who had colon cancer, etc. and did I have that type of treatment, etc, etc. Now that I think about it, I spend way too much time defending myself.
I'm still baffled about this type of cancer. If smoking causes it, it would be much more wide spread. Same thing for the other stated causes. Just doesn't make sense. I also never tested positive for HPV, but like Martha said, 70% of the population carries it. If I have it, it was predominately dormant but one day stuck it's ugly head out and wham.
Liz
I am very sorry that you endured such a terrible loss. My heart goes out to you.
Liz0 -
Thank youlizdeli said:Sandy
I am very sorry that you endured such a terrible loss. My heart goes out to you.
Liz
I never knew you how much you people were going to mean to me when I signed on. But you all mean a great deal to me. I am so glad we have this post about shame. It is something we need to address. All the best0 -
Sometimes the guilt goessandysp said:Thank you
I never knew you how much you people were going to mean to me when I signed on. But you all mean a great deal to me. I am so glad we have this post about shame. It is something we need to address. All the best
Sometimes the guilt goes further - the thought that some people never make it through their twenties or thirties. Why them? Why am I still here, after all I've done, and others are gone. Not gone - I hope and pray (know) they're in a good place. But why are we still here, able to talk to each other and live our lives. I'll never know the answer. The guilt is there though.
I've been reading a lot of the bible lately and it has helped me to understand things a lot. We're not meant to know everything now. Later we will. I was talking to a priest a while ago and asked him about those who leave this earth early. Those who maybe haven't made peace with the Lord yet. Maybe they would have later on in their lives, but their lives were cut short. He told me not to worry, that God would work it out with them. That made so much sense.
I don''t mean to turn this into a religious thing, it's just that I feel so very blessed, and I'm very glad to be here today to be able to say so.0 -
No shame
OK, I may have hit the wrong button, so I will start again. I will be telling my age, but I remember when Betty Ford first started talking about Breast Cancer. Evidently the word "breast" was titilating (pun intended ), but look how far we have come now. There are bumper stickers saying "Save the Ta Tas!" I made a conscious decision to tell that I had anal cancer. I was diagnosed and went through treatment in 2009 while Farrah's show aired and while it wasn't easy that she died while I was going through treatment, I did so appreciate Farrah's courage and decided I would try to be courageous as well. I would simply tell people that I had anal cancer, like Farrah Fawcett. (I would even joke around with my good friends that I had **** CANCER, but that was just my personal twisted way to deal with things. When stressed I look for something funny...) If I got a weird look, I would say that everyone has an butthole, don't you and that we can get cancer anywhere in our body although we don't get to choose where we have cancer. I only received one crude remark about sexual practices and it is amazing what a whithering look will do to shut someone up.
As far as HPV goes, you could have gotten it from your husband (or a previous partner) as it can go symptomless in both men and women for years. HPV 16 and 18 were first linked to cervical cancer, and now anal cancer, and now there is a higher incidence of throat cancer tied to HPV 16&18, more than likely linked to oral sex. I've never married, and since I am not a num, I am not a virgin, but I do not feel shame that I was a sexual being. In fact I am using my having anal cancer as a discussion jump off with my friends whom have children. I have a friend who has a 16 year old boy and a 13 year old girl who does not want to get them the Gardisell (sp?) shots. I told her that while she is trying her best to raise her children "right", her mother tried the same thing with her and I knew what she did in college! I ask them if they would want their children to suffer the way I have suffered, and of course they say no. I'm sure people were hesitant about the polio sugar cubes/shots in the 1960s as well, but it appears that since HPV is/will be so prevalent, it is better to be safe than sorry I say. Try to use your experience to educate others and I've noticed that when you speak matter of factly, people take info mater of factly as well.
Bottom line; there should be no shame in having cancer in your pooper. God gave all of us one for a very good reason and we just happened to pull that ticket. And in hindsight (again pun intended), while it was tough as hell going through it, the process is fairly short and there are many good outcomes. Good luck in your treatment and recovery.0 -
cancer in the pooperDog Girl said:No shame
OK, I may have hit the wrong button, so I will start again. I will be telling my age, but I remember when Betty Ford first started talking about Breast Cancer. Evidently the word "breast" was titilating (pun intended ), but look how far we have come now. There are bumper stickers saying "Save the Ta Tas!" I made a conscious decision to tell that I had anal cancer. I was diagnosed and went through treatment in 2009 while Farrah's show aired and while it wasn't easy that she died while I was going through treatment, I did so appreciate Farrah's courage and decided I would try to be courageous as well. I would simply tell people that I had anal cancer, like Farrah Fawcett. (I would even joke around with my good friends that I had **** CANCER, but that was just my personal twisted way to deal with things. When stressed I look for something funny...) If I got a weird look, I would say that everyone has an butthole, don't you and that we can get cancer anywhere in our body although we don't get to choose where we have cancer. I only received one crude remark about sexual practices and it is amazing what a whithering look will do to shut someone up.
As far as HPV goes, you could have gotten it from your husband (or a previous partner) as it can go symptomless in both men and women for years. HPV 16 and 18 were first linked to cervical cancer, and now anal cancer, and now there is a higher incidence of throat cancer tied to HPV 16&18, more than likely linked to oral sex. I've never married, and since I am not a num, I am not a virgin, but I do not feel shame that I was a sexual being. In fact I am using my having anal cancer as a discussion jump off with my friends whom have children. I have a friend who has a 16 year old boy and a 13 year old girl who does not want to get them the Gardisell (sp?) shots. I told her that while she is trying her best to raise her children "right", her mother tried the same thing with her and I knew what she did in college! I ask them if they would want their children to suffer the way I have suffered, and of course they say no. I'm sure people were hesitant about the polio sugar cubes/shots in the 1960s as well, but it appears that since HPV is/will be so prevalent, it is better to be safe than sorry I say. Try to use your experience to educate others and I've noticed that when you speak matter of factly, people take info mater of factly as well.
Bottom line; there should be no shame in having cancer in your pooper. God gave all of us one for a very good reason and we just happened to pull that ticket. And in hindsight (again pun intended), while it was tough as hell going through it, the process is fairly short and there are many good outcomes. Good luck in your treatment and recovery.
Ha, ha, ha. That's the best way of saying it yet. When I think about it that "pooper" is a magnificent piece of God made machinery and I appreciate it for the first time. How dumb is that? I am glad to be doing Tai Chi exercises and meditations now. Hopefully I will pull out of this and be more grateful for this human experience.0 -
shame
Hi:
my oncologist told me I "most likely had HPV". I have never had it diagnosed, so I don't even know...I'm an RN and still had a problem at first telling people that I had anal cancer. Then, after a while I didn't care, but I realized that if I said I had cancer then people would ask: what kind?.
Love to you0
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