Despair

Wish you were here!
I can't tell you how many times in the last 20 months that I have wished for Doug's strength and understanding. Sometimes it is just for the little things, sometimes the big things. We were each others sounding boards, each others rock. I'm lucky to have two grown and wonderful sons as well as a church family that have helped me, but it's not the same. I'm sorry about your father. I will say a prayer for all of you. Fay

Hi Elizabeth
It broke my heart to read your post. How wonderful that you found Bob, the love of your life. And how bitter and wicked it is that he was snatched from you by this evil disease.

I hope you are well, words seem inadequate to express all the things I feel for you. Prayers for you, your father, all those in your orbit: On The Way!

Elizabeth15 said:

Thank you
Thank you all for your kind words...my Dad passed away on July 14th and his funeral was one week ago today...In less than six months I have lost the two most important people in my life...my husband and father. With no children my world is very quiet right now. It is also vey very sad. We worked from home so my world is small and seems minuscule right now. I have a good family but they are busy and life goes on. The phone rarely rings and I could days without talking to anyone except people at the store if I chose to go out. I sound a bit pathetic but but but....
It is difficult to catch onto life and reality right now. I had breakfast with my father every Sunday for over 20 years and spoke with him at least once a day on the phone. We grocery shopped together, went to the beach in the summer, visited several garden centers every spring...and our Thanksgivings were just the four of us...my husband, father, step mother and me...so my world has turned upside down..actually it is not up side down...it longer exists, it is gone...I have no way of getting it back...time does not bring it back...it can not come back in any form...my world and life as I knew it is over. Trying to find my place is difficult...my purpose is is dimished..as with everyone...we define ourselves by those in our lives...
I do sound so pathetic...I do not feel pathetic...I feel lost...I have lost...and now I am lost...Once again thank you everyone for your support. Elizabeth

so sorry
Elizabeth,
I am so so sorry to hear about your father's death. Some of what you wrote really hits home for me because I also do not have children and have a small family, so my world now feels "small and miniscule" as well. I am struggling to find meaning in my life each day.
I write that just so you know that you are not alone in your feelings. Trust me, you do not sound at all pathetic. You sound like someone who is grieving the loss of your husband, father, and life the way you have lived it for some time. That's a lot to deal with. I have been attending a drop in bereavment support group and find it comforting...I wonder if you have considered trying something like that? Just a thought.
Again, I am so sorry for the loss of your father.
Karen

Elizabeth15 said:

Once Again Thank you
Your kind words touch me more than you will ever know...I am so sorry your wisdom must come from loss...there are poets and others who would find a way and words to make your wisdom sound wonderful and gallant...what I have learned in the past five months I wished I never knew...I wished you never knew...I suppose someday all this will find perspective...right now that kind of perspective is unwelcome...I am being selfish and want my life back...and I find nothing wrong with that...so let the poets wan on...let the ethereal types search for meaning...I prefer to feel what I feel because it is raw, it is my reality...I remain under the thumb of grieve...there is nothing lofty about any of this...it is life in a form I never knew existed...I know others have gone on before me...and I wonder how many have reached out to me and I ignored them...oh the wonder of this forum...people such as yourself are merely an outreached hand away...I am grateful for you...Thank you. Elizabeth

Elizabeth, you are truly gifted.
Let me extend my condolances first off at the passing of two of the most important people in your life. I too lost two important people in my life relatively recently and know how you feel. I am a 25 year cancer survivor so I lost alot over that time, including my marriage so I have seen the other side of what cancer can do to a relationship so value your memories of your great marriage - hold on to those happy times in this time when your grief is so raw. And that is normal by the way and anything BUT pathetic.

I say 'you are truly gifted' in the subject of this response to your postings because lady you are one heck of a writer. You write from your raw emotions where writing is most effective. You may think that what you are feeling is very basic but there are people on this site who are in even an earlier spot in this cancer journey than you are and they are learning and being validated through your sharing of your experiences during this crutial time in a person's life - you are gifted in being able to say what people feel but can't express. That's a gift you give to them - validating and the sense that they aren't alone.

I mention this gift of yours because not everyone can express their deep feelings so well in writing and in this cancer journey there is always a tendancy to want to reach help others even though you think you are only helping yourself through blogging like this. You aren't. You are helping alot of people who read your posts and through helping others by sharing what many are going through as well you are healing. Don't stop. It will help heal you and those who read the postings you write.

Anger is a step in the loss process so GET IT OUT, say you hate cancer as many times as seems necessary, tell us how you truly feel and don't hold back. Get out of the anger phase as soon as you can though, you have other phases to go through - all leading to a more settled sense of being - and it will come, it's just early and you have just suffered another blow in the passing of your Dad as well. Give it time.

I don't know if you have also considered speaking with a good grief counsellor or not but many of us do have someone professional who we go to, once in awhile, to make sure we are 'firing on all pistons and in order', lol, I like to call it. They can be very helpful in making sure you aren't stuck in one of the phases of grief for too long and know how to be on the lookout for depression too, which is important. Depression is managable too so if you feel you are getting into that staying in bed all day and 'what's the point' outlook then it might be time to ask for help through your family doctor first, just to get you over the initial humps of grieving - which are natural.

I am glad you found this site and as you have seen there are many here to help you along. You may feel alone as your world was close to you but you are not alone I can promise you, on this site. People do know what you are going through here and can really help you along. Let them.

Hugs and all the very best. Things will get better, it's just early in grief for you right now. Continue to write, it's great therapy and you do it so well.

Blessings,

Bluerose