Holding on....letting go

I'm not exactly sure why I'm writing here....just wondering how so much has happened in such a short time. As I type I'm riddled in fear that my phone will ring and I'll learn my 58 year old husband (we've been married 37 years) has lost his battle with a cancer that was discovered less than a monrh ago. My husband, Dan has always been strong and healthy. He has never smoked. He started with some pain in his lower back (this was not unusual as he works in construction and had dealt with back pain off and on for years) He then developed a cough, visited our family doctor and was diagnosed with bronchitis. He was given an antibiotic and his symptoms did not improve. On his third visit a chest xray was given and a suspicious shadow was discovered on his lower lung. An MRI and biopsy were done and he was told he had stage 4 non small cell lung cancer which has spread to several small areas in his spine. At the time of his diagnosis he had been taking mild, OTC pain meds. He was hospitalized for a week and when he was released he was prescribed morphine and Diluadid (not at the same time)and he's been taking it as often as possible. He started out-patient radiation which he tolerated well. After several days home he became extremely confused and disoriented. He was readmitted to the hospital amd an MRI of his brain was done. It came back clear and it was determined the Ativan he had been given was causing the confusion. It was stopped, the confusion cleared up. A pulmonary embolism was discovered and he was started on a blood thinner and he was again released. He continued radiation and it lessened his pain considerably. He was feeling better, eating more and was able to start doing small things...watering the lawn, set off fireworks on the 4th...small things, but enough to give encouragement. Last week his breathing became more and more labored. He had been using O2 on and off prior to this but soon he couldn't walk from one room to the next without it. Back to the hospital. Several more pulmonary embolisms were found as well as a large embolism in his leg. The plan was to put a filter of sorts into his leg to preventit from traveling any futher. For reasons unclear to me he was transferred to ICU, intubated and is being kept sedated. He was to begin chemo this week but that has been postponed. While spending time with him earlier today I was told that his O2 stats were very low in spite of the intubation. I was basically told he might not survive the day. Last night we were talking and joking on the phone and now I sit here numb, unable to communicate with him and so very frightened. Every time the phone rings my heart stops. Perhaps I should be there with him, but he has no idea I'm there. Either way my heart is breaking. I truthfully have no idea what I'm doing....We have 2 wonderful, grown sons and 2 grandchildren who are the loves of our lives. I have wonderful, supportive friends and family yet I sit here alone and wondering how people are able to let go......I thank anyone who has taken the time to read this long, rambling story. May God bless each of you. Merrilee