emotional reaction after surgery

dbhadra
dbhadra Member Posts: 344 Member
in Breast Cancer #1
3 days after surgery I;m getting hit with the blues...physically doing well but emotionally drained out...anxious waiting for pathology report on Friday....and sick and tired of having cancer! I initially felt relieved and positive after the surgery and now I feel like I just want the whole thing to be over,,,,need to go into radiation next month...still need to get my port out if I don;t need any more chemo...overall feel whiny and ungrateful and lousy!feels like this journey will never end and that life will never go back to "normal". Feels like all my positive energy is exhausted and all I want to do is lay in bed and be miserable.

IF I could feel that I would be cancer free after all of this - chemo, surgery, radiation - it would be "worth it" BUT the thing that is driving me crazy right now is that even after all this treatment...no one is going to be able to tell me that I am, and will remain, cancer free. That CAN happen but there is no guarantee.

I know, because other survivors have told me, that the anxiety level does get better over time. But right now, it feels like the cancer anxiety is never, never, going to end. My life will never go back to "normal" - to the way it was pre-cancer. There is a huge ball of anxiety right in the middle of my chest - stuck there just like a lump.

The worst, worst part of this journey so far has not been the physical discomfort - it;s been the mental and emotional pain. I keep feeling that this is something I should be able to "control" - I wish I could stop dwelling on the worst case scenarios and kick in with some gratitude..but don;t have the energy.

Needed to vent it out - thanks for listening!

Laura

Laura

Comments

  • fighting4five
    fighting4five Member Posts: 71
    #2
    Hi Laura...You have come so
    Hi Laura...You have come so far already and no there is no gaurantees all you can do is to have your treatments and HAVE FAITH!You can do it! My easiest days are when I surround myself with family and friends.It makes me feel somewhat normal.
    My only treatment so far was a bilateral mastectomy I still have a long way to go and I am also scared and yes some days It would be easier to just lay in bed and feel sorry for myself but I thank God for another day and I get up and make the most out of a the hand that I have been dealt.You are so right about the mental and emotional pain being the worse part.Are you on any meds for anxiety or depresion? I take Xanex before bed and it really helps me a lot.I did not want to have to take anything but my Dr. gave me RX anyway and I found that i really did need it.I have 5 children, My youngest child is 2 and I think things like If I die he will have no memory of me. Also how normal will my life be after the chemo and rads and herceptin etc. It scares me to death. Try to keep a positive attitude and don't loose hope and have faith!I recently read a blog written by a young man in his mid 20's that had cancer and had chemo and rads and 5 months after his last treatment he was physicaly stronger than before his cancer.Yes he is younger than us but it is possible.You always hear the horror stories,but they are not all like that.
    I will never give up hope and I am praying for god to give you strenght so you get through this.

    God Bless
    Mary
  • ladyg
    ladyg Member Posts: 1,577
    #3
    Laura
    What you are feeling is not unusual. Everyone goes through ups & downs as far as feelings are concerned. I know that I kept thinking things were going so slow after my surgery. I too just wanted it to be over. You just need to give yourself some time. I am sending you all of the positive energy I can muster to help you through.

    Hugs,
    Georgia
  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    #4
    fighting4five said:

    Hi Laura...You have come so
    Hi Laura...You have come so far already and no there is no gaurantees all you can do is to have your treatments and HAVE FAITH!You can do it! My easiest days are when I surround myself with family and friends.It makes me feel somewhat normal.
    My only treatment so far was a bilateral mastectomy I still have a long way to go and I am also scared and yes some days It would be easier to just lay in bed and feel sorry for myself but I thank God for another day and I get up and make the most out of a the hand that I have been dealt.You are so right about the mental and emotional pain being the worse part.Are you on any meds for anxiety or depresion? I take Xanex before bed and it really helps me a lot.I did not want to have to take anything but my Dr. gave me RX anyway and I found that i really did need it.I have 5 children, My youngest child is 2 and I think things like If I die he will have no memory of me. Also how normal will my life be after the chemo and rads and herceptin etc. It scares me to death. Try to keep a positive attitude and don't loose hope and have faith!I recently read a blog written by a young man in his mid 20's that had cancer and had chemo and rads and 5 months after his last treatment he was physicaly stronger than before his cancer.Yes he is younger than us but it is possible.You always hear the horror stories,but they are not all like that.
    I will never give up hope and I am praying for god to give you strenght so you get through this.

    God Bless
    Mary

    Sorry that you feel this way
    Please read a post from 25 years survivor, who yesterday has shared her triumph with us. Also Susie has started thread about survivorship asking when sisters were diagnosed it has very uplifting stories.
    Hugs
  • butterflylvr
    butterflylvr Member Posts: 944
    #5
    ladyg said:

    Laura
    What you are feeling is not unusual. Everyone goes through ups & downs as far as feelings are concerned. I know that I kept thinking things were going so slow after my surgery. I too just wanted it to be over. You just need to give yourself some time. I am sending you all of the positive energy I can muster to help you through.

    Hugs,
    Georgia

    Ugh.. that dreaded week
    Ugh.. that dreaded week waiting for the biopsy results can be so grueling. Your breast surgeon must have given you some insight as to his beliefs about your tumor hasn't he/she? I hate to say it, but you must turn the fear around and the sooner the better. A positive outlook goes along way. Picture yourself being the victor slaying the beast, keep your mind stronger then the cancer. I know easier said then done but if you dig deep I know you can find that confidence. We all have that in us, that's why we are such strong warriors.

    Loving thoughts and prayers for you this week, please keep us posted when you get your results.

    Big hugs,
    Lorrie
  • aysemari
    aysemari Member Posts: 1,596 Member
    #6
    It DOES get better
    Laura,

    hang in there. I was at that point and I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. But trust
    me when I say it really does get better and the anxiety WILL level off. Don't stress yourself
    but rather soothe yourself. I did the same thing but realized soon that it was a normal reaction
    to all the stress and the trauma of my diagnosis. Then I shifted from worrying and adding additional
    stress to pampering and healing myself, physically and emotionally. Journaling really helped
    me to put things in perspective. Somehow seeing it on paper made me realize the impact of
    the experience I was living through. Take good care of yourself and look for inspiration every
    where you can!

    Love,
    Ayse
  • CAchick
    CAchick Member Posts: 277
    #7
    Waiting is the worst...
    Hi Laura,
    I read your post and felt such a connection with your words. I pray for a good outcome for your test results, first of all. I have been where you are. It is not easy to be waiting for news like this... I also pray for you to have peace until your results come in.
    Remember, we are Warriors (sort of like superheroes!)
    We fight to win!
    God bless you,
    Sybil
  • LoveBabyJesus
    LoveBabyJesus Member Posts: 1,679 Member
    #8
    Hi Laura.
    I too go through these feelings. Like everyone said, it is a normal reaction. Especially after you have enough (free) time to process everything that is going on. I didn't process my dignosis until recently...well...I knew what I had, but the amount of information I learned about it and the risks, etc.. have also affected me emotionally/mentally. So I understand you.

    I have faith both you and I will be OK, and soon all this will be over. We just need to keep walking, no matter what, just keep going.

    Is all of this worth it? YES IT IS! Of course it is. It is a chance we get to live and enjoy life. Like you said, we don't know what's next, but who does? We should continue to plan our lives and enjoy everyday.

    I pray your results are GREAT and that you feel better soon.

    God bless you.
  • missrenee
    missrenee Member Posts: 2,136 Member
    #9
    LoveBabyJesus said:

    Hi Laura.
    I too go through these feelings. Like everyone said, it is a normal reaction. Especially after you have enough (free) time to process everything that is going on. I didn't process my dignosis until recently...well...I knew what I had, but the amount of information I learned about it and the risks, etc.. have also affected me emotionally/mentally. So I understand you.

    I have faith both you and I will be OK, and soon all this will be over. We just need to keep walking, no matter what, just keep going.

    Is all of this worth it? YES IT IS! Of course it is. It is a chance we get to live and enjoy life. Like you said, we don't know what's next, but who does? We should continue to plan our lives and enjoy everyday.

    I pray your results are GREAT and that you feel better soon.

    God bless you.

    Oh, Laura, I felt the same way
    Just know what you're feeling is very normal and expected. So glad you vented here. Look at what you've been through. You've been in fighting mode so your mind will need to catch up with your body. Even though I am 18 months post surgery and 12 months post chemo and rads, I still have times when I feel panicky and afraid. But, I have to tell you, those times are getting shorter and less frequent.

    This too shall pass--I promise. Try to concentrate on taking care of yourself and letting others help and pamper you. You deserve it.

    Hang in there, sweetie.

    Hugs, Renee
  • dbhadra
    dbhadra Member Posts: 344 Member
    #10
    missrenee said:

    Oh, Laura, I felt the same way
    Just know what you're feeling is very normal and expected. So glad you vented here. Look at what you've been through. You've been in fighting mode so your mind will need to catch up with your body. Even though I am 18 months post surgery and 12 months post chemo and rads, I still have times when I feel panicky and afraid. But, I have to tell you, those times are getting shorter and less frequent.

    This too shall pass--I promise. Try to concentrate on taking care of yourself and letting others help and pamper you. You deserve it.

    Hang in there, sweetie.

    Hugs, Renee

    thanks all for your kind and supportive comments
    Today started out badly with a lot of anxiety and misery and continued lousy throughout the visit to my therapist. I woke up freaking out that I had no right breast anymore, the reality of the surgery is catching up with me. In the afternoon a kind friend came and took me to "walk the mall" as I was feeling very tense and frustrated that I couldn't exercise. That helped me to break the cycle and get out of my head and connect with something outside of me. Another dear friend that I spoke with later gave me a lot of helpful thoughts and insight. The biggest insight I had is that when I was complaining that I felt the chemo and surgery would be "worth it" if I had a guarantee of survival...that I wanted someone to tell me that there was some purpose to what I have been going through...then I suddenly realized there was a purpose, if I was not caught at early diagnosis and gotten straight into chemo my situation would be much worse now. Also I have been so fortunate that we have seen evidence that the chemo had worked in shrinking the tumor. Not everyone is so lucky, some cancers don;t respond to chemo but mine did. So in that moment my attitude changed from fear into gratitude and into thinking, well I am already living on borrowed time so might as well enjoy it instead of worrying about how much of it is left. So the purpose of the chemo and surgery are to get me to where I am now, with a good chance (though no guarantee) of one day being declared NED.

    I need to also be honest and say medication helps too! When the fear and anxiety take over my mind to a crazy extent, I can;t think straight anymore. I have been fighting against taking Xanax though it's been prescribed; I was taking it before surgery and then felt afterwards I wouldn;t need it anymore; it seems like I may need it for a little while yet, why should I suffer when there is a medication with no side effects that can make me feel better? Of course I worry about getting addicted but this as my anxiety decreases I hope to be able to use less as neededd.

    thanks again all for thoughts and empathy and letting me know I am not alone!

    Laura
  • jo jo
    jo jo Member Posts: 1,175 Member
    #11
    dbhadra said:

    thanks all for your kind and supportive comments
    Today started out badly with a lot of anxiety and misery and continued lousy throughout the visit to my therapist. I woke up freaking out that I had no right breast anymore, the reality of the surgery is catching up with me. In the afternoon a kind friend came and took me to "walk the mall" as I was feeling very tense and frustrated that I couldn't exercise. That helped me to break the cycle and get out of my head and connect with something outside of me. Another dear friend that I spoke with later gave me a lot of helpful thoughts and insight. The biggest insight I had is that when I was complaining that I felt the chemo and surgery would be "worth it" if I had a guarantee of survival...that I wanted someone to tell me that there was some purpose to what I have been going through...then I suddenly realized there was a purpose, if I was not caught at early diagnosis and gotten straight into chemo my situation would be much worse now. Also I have been so fortunate that we have seen evidence that the chemo had worked in shrinking the tumor. Not everyone is so lucky, some cancers don;t respond to chemo but mine did. So in that moment my attitude changed from fear into gratitude and into thinking, well I am already living on borrowed time so might as well enjoy it instead of worrying about how much of it is left. So the purpose of the chemo and surgery are to get me to where I am now, with a good chance (though no guarantee) of one day being declared NED.

    I need to also be honest and say medication helps too! When the fear and anxiety take over my mind to a crazy extent, I can;t think straight anymore. I have been fighting against taking Xanax though it's been prescribed; I was taking it before surgery and then felt afterwards I wouldn;t need it anymore; it seems like I may need it for a little while yet, why should I suffer when there is a medication with no side effects that can make me feel better? Of course I worry about getting addicted but this as my anxiety decreases I hope to be able to use less as neededd.

    thanks again all for thoughts and empathy and letting me know I am not alone!

    Laura

    Laura im glad your feeling a
    Laura im glad your feeling a little better now....its a real rollercoaster ride of emotions for all of us and no your not alone!!! Cyber hugs to you!!!
  • lynn1950
    lynn1950 Member Posts: 2,570
    #12
    dbhadra said:

    thanks all for your kind and supportive comments
    Today started out badly with a lot of anxiety and misery and continued lousy throughout the visit to my therapist. I woke up freaking out that I had no right breast anymore, the reality of the surgery is catching up with me. In the afternoon a kind friend came and took me to "walk the mall" as I was feeling very tense and frustrated that I couldn't exercise. That helped me to break the cycle and get out of my head and connect with something outside of me. Another dear friend that I spoke with later gave me a lot of helpful thoughts and insight. The biggest insight I had is that when I was complaining that I felt the chemo and surgery would be "worth it" if I had a guarantee of survival...that I wanted someone to tell me that there was some purpose to what I have been going through...then I suddenly realized there was a purpose, if I was not caught at early diagnosis and gotten straight into chemo my situation would be much worse now. Also I have been so fortunate that we have seen evidence that the chemo had worked in shrinking the tumor. Not everyone is so lucky, some cancers don;t respond to chemo but mine did. So in that moment my attitude changed from fear into gratitude and into thinking, well I am already living on borrowed time so might as well enjoy it instead of worrying about how much of it is left. So the purpose of the chemo and surgery are to get me to where I am now, with a good chance (though no guarantee) of one day being declared NED.

    I need to also be honest and say medication helps too! When the fear and anxiety take over my mind to a crazy extent, I can;t think straight anymore. I have been fighting against taking Xanax though it's been prescribed; I was taking it before surgery and then felt afterwards I wouldn;t need it anymore; it seems like I may need it for a little while yet, why should I suffer when there is a medication with no side effects that can make me feel better? Of course I worry about getting addicted but this as my anxiety decreases I hope to be able to use less as neededd.

    thanks again all for thoughts and empathy and letting me know I am not alone!

    Laura

    Hi Laura, The
    Hi Laura, The mental/emotional side effects of cancer treatment were the most painful for me. It was so bad that I wanted to die, which is pretty ironic considering what I had just gone through so that I might live. At my lowest, I had a good friend who steered me to first a three day hospital stay and then therapy where I received the medication and support that I needed. I had been taking Xanax (.25), but that wasn't strong enough. It wasn't until I was in therapy that I learned that I could take a much higher dose when needed. The first psychiatrist I saw was awful. She wanted to put me in a psychiatric hospital! I didn't connect with my first therapist either. Many professionals don't know how to treat breast cancer patients. Once I was on the right medication and received appropriate counseling (that included relaxation and meditation techniques), I was on the road to feeling better.

    It is now almost three years since the end of treatment. I still take an anti-depressant and an occasional Xanax (to help me sleep), but all in all life is good. I am back IN life, am looking forward to meeting my first grandbaby (in about 5 weeks), am blessed with a new puppy and kitten, just switched to a great new job, and feel wonder every day at the bounty and beauty of my garden, my family and my friendships.

    Hang in there, Laura.

    xoxoxox Lynn

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