Cancer/Fear/ugh

stayingstrongfortoday
stayingstrongfortoday Member Posts: 116
in Breast Cancer #1
I have dealt with cancer since August 08, it's come, gone, come back in new places and most recently my brain. I was on steroids for over a month, never slept, gained 20 pounds went off of them just short of 2 weeks ago. then went on a much need vacation with my family it the mountains....it was great. My leg (bone mets) has hurt a little over the last month or so but I fell so I figure that has a lot to do with it, riding in the car over 12 hours also did not help the pain in my leg. On vacation as long as I was moving I felt great, finally sleeping....before the trip my hemoglobin was down I required two differnt transfusions (total 6 bags!) but again felt great....

So I return home Friday, leg is killing me (car trip again right?), short of breath (could mean I need more blood) and to find out a co worker died of breast cancer BEFORE I left on my trip and no one wanted to tell me for fear of ruining my vacation. I know good intentions but it would be upsetting whenever I found out. So the last two days I have been crying, worrying about myself and doing nothing so the pain in my leg is even worse. I have been short of breath really bad which makes me think I will drop dead, I won't. I am just so freaking tired of cancer. I hate it. Why do we have it? I never ever want to wish it on someone else but today I am so angry and fed up with it I almost would. I have to see my oncologist tomorrow, find out how my hemoglobin is and see if they got things set up for my clinical trial. I am so anxious. My friends say take a xanax and chill out. I am tired of it all, I have 3 kids and a husband I am fighting for.....so did my coworker. Sorry I just needed to vent and cry it out.....

Comments

  • mamolady
    mamolady Member Posts: 796 Member
    #2
    You are not expected to stay
    You are not expected to stay up beat every minute. I doubt you need to chill. Maybe a trip to the gym to take it out on a punching bag or a really strenuous hike. Tired or not, let this be the clinical trial that will kick cancers a....

    I wish I could pinch you to wake you up and it would all be a bad dream.....
    "virtual hug"

    Cindy
  • poplolly
    poplolly Member Posts: 346
    #3
    Stayin--I'm ashamed of
    Stayin--I'm ashamed of myself. I've been crying today and I'm not going through near what you're having to deal with. The fear of this cancer is the worst thing I've ever gone through. I don't need to tell you this. I will pray for you and the next time I decide to cry, I'll think about how lucky I am. I wish you the very best in winning this batter with the "equal-opportunity destroyer."

    Hugs

    Judy
  • dyaneb123
    dyaneb123 Member Posts: 950
    #4
    poplolly said:

    Stayin--I'm ashamed of
    Stayin--I'm ashamed of myself. I've been crying today and I'm not going through near what you're having to deal with. The fear of this cancer is the worst thing I've ever gone through. I don't need to tell you this. I will pray for you and the next time I decide to cry, I'll think about how lucky I am. I wish you the very best in winning this batter with the "equal-opportunity destroyer."

    Hugs

    Judy

    I'm hoping that things will
    I'm hoping that things will get better for you. I think we all know that fear when the legs hurt, there's a chest pain...whatever...we all think cancer.I hope your visit with your Onc goes well for you.
    Dee
  • grams2jc
    grams2jc Member Posts: 756
    #5
    I don't think taking a chill pill is always the answer either
    I know as I was trying to finish my radiation and they wanted me to lay around half naked with goop on and a fan blowing on me it was making me crazy. They said "watch a movie, read a book, take a nap" I asked them if they remembered they were talking to a lady who had only had the energy to work and do just those things since November, I was tired of being a cancer patient.

    Cancer sucks, it's not fair, it steals our sense of control over our lives and makes us feel like the milk at the store with the earliest expiration date that nobody wants to buy.

    Please hang in there, I hope you can get your clinical trial started, and that it will give you a sense of hope and a little peace of mind that you are still fighting as hard as you can.

    I know there isn't really anything I can do to ease your pain but please realize that I am sending positive thoughts your way, and a prayer for your continued strength.

    Jennifer
  • VickiSam
    VickiSam Member Posts: 9,079 Member
    #6
    grams2jc said:

    I don't think taking a chill pill is always the answer either
    I know as I was trying to finish my radiation and they wanted me to lay around half naked with goop on and a fan blowing on me it was making me crazy. They said "watch a movie, read a book, take a nap" I asked them if they remembered they were talking to a lady who had only had the energy to work and do just those things since November, I was tired of being a cancer patient.

    Cancer sucks, it's not fair, it steals our sense of control over our lives and makes us feel like the milk at the store with the earliest expiration date that nobody wants to buy.

    Please hang in there, I hope you can get your clinical trial started, and that it will give you a sense of hope and a little peace of mind that you are still fighting as hard as you can.

    I know there isn't really anything I can do to ease your pain but please realize that I am sending positive thoughts your way, and a prayer for your continued strength.

    Jennifer

    I am so sorry .. and I wish I had some magic words
    to help you thru the next few days, but I don't. Sorry.

    I will keep you in good thoughts and prayers :)


    Strength, Courage and Hope.

    Vicki Sam
  • sea60
    sea60 Member Posts: 2,613
    #7
    I send my prayers.
    You are so right, cancer sucks! I just wish it would go away and leave everyone alone! Vent, cry, share, whatever you have to do to get these feelings out. We are all here for one another.

    Big Hugs,

    Sylvia
  • ladyg
    ladyg Member Posts: 1,577
    #8
    I am so sorry that
    you are having such a rough time right now. Sometimes crying is the best thing you can do for yourself. I know you aren't giving up the fight when you have a family to keep you going. Losing a co worker has made you feel even worse but just keep saying "I Can Do This". Sending you lots of positive energy to help you through.

    Hugs,
    Georgia
  • butterflylvr
    butterflylvr Member Posts: 944
    #9
    ladyg said:

    I am so sorry that
    you are having such a rough time right now. Sometimes crying is the best thing you can do for yourself. I know you aren't giving up the fight when you have a family to keep you going. Losing a co worker has made you feel even worse but just keep saying "I Can Do This". Sending you lots of positive energy to help you through.

    Hugs,
    Georgia

    Vent and cry anytime you
    Vent and cry anytime you want. We will never leave your side. I too am sending lots of loving prayers your way, hoping for strength and new opportunities for you to fight the nasty beast.

    Big time hugs,
    Lorrie
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member
    #10
    butterflylvr said:

    Vent and cry anytime you
    Vent and cry anytime you want. We will never leave your side. I too am sending lots of loving prayers your way, hoping for strength and new opportunities for you to fight the nasty beast.

    Big time hugs,
    Lorrie

    Vent and cry whenever you
    Vent and cry whenever you need to. We are hear to listen. I think that if your coworkers, friends or family cannot think of something supportive or appropriate to say maybe they should just give you a hug and leave it at that. My prayers are with you. And a big cyber hug too.
    Stef
  • DebbyM
    DebbyM Member Posts: 3,289 Member
    #11
    ladyg said:

    I am so sorry that
    you are having such a rough time right now. Sometimes crying is the best thing you can do for yourself. I know you aren't giving up the fight when you have a family to keep you going. Losing a co worker has made you feel even worse but just keep saying "I Can Do This". Sending you lots of positive energy to help you through.

    Hugs,
    Georgia

    You have had a lot going on
    You have had a lot going on in your life, so, I think it is very normal to be as upset as you are. Cancer does suck! I wish I could do more than just offer prayers, but, if you need anything, just let us know.


    Hugs, Debby
  • ms.sunshine
    ms.sunshine Member Posts: 707 Member
    #12
    DebbyM said:

    You have had a lot going on
    You have had a lot going on in your life, so, I think it is very normal to be as upset as you are. Cancer does suck! I wish I could do more than just offer prayers, but, if you need anything, just let us know.


    Hugs, Debby

    We understand we really do
    I am sorry anyone has to endure cancer. Read, watch, listen to inspiring messages. Don't turn loose of your faith. Keep going. You are in my thoughts. Come here and vent, cry anytime you want. Take care StayStrong

    Jennifer
  • Ticky
    Ticky Member Posts: 117
    #13
    ms.sunshine said:

    We understand we really do
    I am sorry anyone has to endure cancer. Read, watch, listen to inspiring messages. Don't turn loose of your faith. Keep going. You are in my thoughts. Come here and vent, cry anytime you want. Take care StayStrong

    Jennifer

    Come here to vent, we understand
    I think we become angry with cancer because we feel victimized and we don't have the power to do anything about it. We feel helpless. I am praying that you will find the strength to cope and have hope.

    Prayers and hugs,

    Ticky
  • redirish1
    redirish1 Member Posts: 1
    #14
    punderstand there is no promise of tommorow
    I love every day that I wake up, even the pain. The pain says to me that I am alive still.
    When I feel lost and alone (husband walked out) I go on these websites to help me deal with the reality..
    I am always aware that tommorow may not come and that being alive today is very important

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