A last curtain call - hopefully

lindaprocopio said:

I remember my elation and JOY when I was in my 1st remission!
I come from a different perspective, as I am much further along in this journey than many of you. I remember that there was such a feeling of congratulations and celebration when I finished my initial carbo/taxols and adjuvent radiation in early 2009 and my follow-up CT scan was NED! I remember the joy on my chemo-onc's and gyne-onc's faces to see Vic and I so carefree and excitedly planning our dream vacation to Greece. I also remember, especially in retrospect, the less enthusiastic "So far. so good" that was the response of my radiation oncologist at my wonderful news. I really thought I was cured, and was closing the door to that chapter of my life. Ignorance is truly bliss, and I hope every one of you allows yourself the same blissful confidence that you have won the war, whether it turns out that way or not. The pure joy I felt those 5 1/2 months of remission were WELL worth the heartbreak of my recurrance and return to treatment.

So LIVE as if you've already won! If strictly controlling your diet makes you feel happier and more in control, do it. But if it causes you to unrelentingly focus on your health at the expense of all the pleasures and happiness of earthly life, if that vigilance never lets you stop being 'cancer girl' in your own mind, then maybe you need to find a compromise that allows some flexibility and spontaneity and a break from constant unrelenting battle-mode. And, in spite of all you do, if your cancer comes back, don't blame yourself. Grade 3 cancers are sneaky, dangerous and bad-****. I've taken such excellent care of myself my whole life, but that healthy diet and lifestyle didn't keep me from getting cancer or keep my cancer from coming back or becoming chemo resistant. I still take excellent care of myself, and I believe my attention to my diet and getting exercise continues to allow me to live a full vibrant life even with late stage cancer that could kill me at any time and constant chemo & radiation treatment since November of 2009.

I don't feel like I'm making my point; I apologize. Certainly I admire your determined plan for sustaining your remission and your 'eyes wide open' assessment of what you're up against. But PLEASE, allow yourself to feel the JOY that remission is. You are planning to stay in ever-vigilant battle-mode. And I guess I'm saying, allow yourself a rest. Allow yourself to believe in your current clean bill of health. And remember who you are and what you loved to do before cancer consumed your every thought, and make room in your life for the carefree woman you once were. Be silly again; be content again. Eternal vigilance isn't living; be easier on yourselves, ladies. Life is short and beautiful, and I want you all to not think 'cancer' with every thing you eat and every thing you do. FORGET cancer most of the time, and look outside yourself at the beauty and richness of life that is yours to enjoy fully when you allow yourself to believe in your own vibrant health again. ((((hugs))))

maggie_wilson said:

diane-
i'm so glad you were at your daughter's wedding; to see her so happy, and happy that you were there. you did do it! mazel tov! and, i'm so sorry you're having a hard time now; i know when we physically don't feel well, and are worn out, it takes much of the joy out of living. i'm so hoping it gets easier on you, and you don't have to worry about how you're getting somewhere. it will all work out, diane, hang in there. we're all next to you, holding you, so you can only feel better.

sisterhood,
maggie