Losing it

You are not losing it...
Melodie, it sounds like you are just fed up and from what you shared I don't blame you. I don't know the man, but when someone says "I didn't sign up for this"...well that appears to be a sign of major selfishness.

My advice is what I learned a long time ago. We cannot change people or the way they act. All we can do is control how we respond/react to their behaviors. So concentrate on you and what you need to do to be healthy physically and emotionally.

Hugs,
Liz

See a Mariage Counselor
It sounds like you may need to talk to a professional marriage counselor. It seems your husband may have been harboring this attitude for some time maybe even before your treatments. The stress level you are under will only hold back your recovery. It may be that you two need to seperate at least for a while until you are a better able to cope with the day to day issues at home.

melbas2 said:

Losing it
thanks fir all ur replies & suggestions. Conseling is out of the question..he doesn't like 3rd party to tell him what to do. He went 2 the bar at about 3 pm after work, got all pissy when I said I didn't want 2 go. Then an hour later he calls and ask me to at least bring him more money. I asked him, "do u know what it means when I say my **** is bleeding?" And he texts back "do u understand that I'm tying to get drunk?" So then an hour later he calls for a ride home and I told him I'd taken a sleeping pill...I've been up the better part of the week. Then he goes so and so just got here, bye. So I dozed back off and at 12:30 he's banging on the windoe wanting me to go to breakfast, I heard my brother arguing that he needed to calm down, I dozes again and he was waking me cuz were oartners in crime, I told him to call me when he's sober, and I went to see if his truck was here, which it was, meaning he took my vehicle.Fine just let me rest. I didn't hear him come in, but I woke to his snoring. Sitting uprihjt on the sofa, dea d drunk. so that is where he'll stay. I had to set my alarm for 5 am so I can wake him before work, which means then I;ll be awake til about 10 am before I can go back 2 to sleeping. I guess I can sleep when I'm dead. Hope every one havs a great Dads day, no matter how u spend it Melodie

Sounds Like Your Husband Is A Loser
Sorry to suggest this but SEPERATION or DIVORCE may be your best options. He seems to be very selfish and self centered. According to your post he may be an abusive alcholic. Until he is willing to work on his problems yours can only get worse. If you are not willing to take the initial step to get out of this abusive relationship none of us can help you.

melbas2 said:

Losing it
thanks fir all ur replies & suggestions. Conseling is out of the question..he doesn't like 3rd party to tell him what to do. He went 2 the bar at about 3 pm after work, got all pissy when I said I didn't want 2 go. Then an hour later he calls and ask me to at least bring him more money. I asked him, "do u know what it means when I say my **** is bleeding?" And he texts back "do u understand that I'm tying to get drunk?" So then an hour later he calls for a ride home and I told him I'd taken a sleeping pill...I've been up the better part of the week. Then he goes so and so just got here, bye. So I dozed back off and at 12:30 he's banging on the windoe wanting me to go to breakfast, I heard my brother arguing that he needed to calm down, I dozes again and he was waking me cuz were oartners in crime, I told him to call me when he's sober, and I went to see if his truck was here, which it was, meaning he took my vehicle.Fine just let me rest. I didn't hear him come in, but I woke to his snoring. Sitting uprihjt on the sofa, dea d drunk. so that is where he'll stay. I had to set my alarm for 5 am so I can wake him before work, which means then I;ll be awake til about 10 am before I can go back 2 to sleeping. I guess I can sleep when I'm dead. Hope every one havs a great Dads day, no matter how u spend it Melodie

Melodie, Don't give up. You
Melodie, Don't give up. You need to get some counseling for yourself. He needs to deal with a lot of issues, not just your health. I thought maybe you could get a friend of his to read some of these posts and maybe his friend can talk some sense into him. You need your rest, first from the treatments and second from the anemia. Seriously somehow get him to read (from others like us) what we are and have been going through. he may not want to hear it from you, but, like I said, maybe from a friend of his. I hope you find some peace with this situation. God bless you and keep us informed. And go ahead and spout all you want. You've been through a lot and venting is a big part of healing. May God bless.

sandysp said:

Spout away
Good job spouting. I am so sorry for the anemia. You must be exhausted all the time and I know we all understand the word pain with this cancer. I pray your relationship will improve because it sounds really sad right now. So sorry. I am praying for you both tonight. Can you call the cancer society - I hear they have help for housekeeping. God bless you and keep you.

Oh Melodie,
I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this emotional toxicity on top of everything else right now. I can relate. I have been married for 35 years and there is a lot commonality in my situation and your post. The funny thing is that if my spouse read my comment he would be shocked that I would say that. I am three years into dealing with my cancer. Most of time he has been unbelieveable supportive but there are times that I feel I am such a burden to him. On the day I came home from my eight day hospital stay a couple of weeks ago an argument regarding dinner and his inability (?) to put clean sheets on the bed, unassisted, escalated into a terrible argument that ended with me telling him, that is how I felt and him agreeing that I am a burden. That was hard to take. However, I realize that sometimes I expect more than he has emotionally. He thinks he is trying and most of the time he is, but sometimes it is not enough. That is when I am so grateful for the support of other family and friends. I am not making excuses for him just trying to say that while we are dealing with the totally unexpected, most major life changing issues imaginable, so are they. It effects everything, finances, sex, household responsibilities, future plans, social life, etc. If they are prone to being a little more self-centered/selfish (as mine is) then it can easily stir up a lot of negative feelings toward us. I have spent a lot of time talking to my closet friend about this an we have concluded that perhaps he feels that all the attention is focused on me and no one really realizes that he is suffering too. Again, not an excuse, just saying.

I hope that you will try to focus some positive attention on yourself. It is SO important that you find some support. I know that a separation or divorce is a scary scenario. Thinking of being alone in this fight is terrifying. I know others might think, well alone would be better than with someone who is already absent on so many levels. Please don't be too quick to judge, it is complicated, as we all know. Reach out to this forum, no one knows better than the members here what we deal with. No real wisdom from me, just wanting you to know that I feel your pain and hope that you will find yourself in a better place emotionally real soon. Please put yourself first Melodie, you be selfish and concentrate on healing.

Sending you a big (((HUG)))
Joanne

melbas2 said:

losing it
well we sat down at lunch and had a long talk about this. I told him...before I got sick...he so help out. I told him that refusing to help me, I think he thinks I can push myself I will just have to do it, and he will once again have his whirlwind wife back. I told him it doens't work that way. So I've signed up for cleaning for a reason, and have been on the waiting list for 6 weeks. So I contacted Merry Maids last week, waiting to hear from them for a quote. Then in 2 months we are moving next door to my sister, and then the 1st part of the year my son, daughter in law and 2 yr old grandaughter aare moving up from Fla. to be closer to help me. And my little Ducky is the reason I live. I got my very own cane and walker today, no more loaners. I will be able to see her grow up and play with her. That is my goal. And I don't want to divorce Trace. We've been thru alot in 20 years. His way of dealing with pain and fear is to be very gruff. I saw it when his dad died. It's like...if he doesn't care, he won't get hurt. I never wanted to pay for house cleaning, it seems so indulgent. but I can afford it, so why not? And then I think he'll feel less pressure once my family is here to help me. So...fingers crossed, prayers, and I will see the sun again one day. Thank you all, Melodie

Your post was helpful to me
My husband and I met with the social worker at Sloan today. He had planned on going with me to the Oncologist appointment with me and I had us meet with the social worker first. We met for about an hour and I think it was a really good move. You were a source of inspiration and everyone who posted. This disease eats away at more than our bodies, doesn't it? Wishing you and all those you love peace. I think the Alanon suggestion is really good. He may be drinking more these days out of fear of losing you. Like you say - gruff exterior may just mean he is a big mush. Don't be afraid of calling a spade a spade. Alcoholism is easy to deal with once you have used the "C" word. It's just another disease. Thinking of you, Sandy

sandysp said:

What is tx?
I know ignorance is probably bliss but what is tx?

Hi Sandy--
Tx is a medical abbreviation for treatment. Sorry, some of us on these boards are guilty of using such abbreviations and presume that everyone knows what they mean. Now you know!

mp327 said:

Hi Sandy--
Tx is a medical abbreviation for treatment. Sorry, some of us on these boards are guilty of using such abbreviations and presume that everyone knows what they mean. Now you know!

Thanks
Yes, what we don't know is so much scarier than what we do know. I'll try to remember not to abbreviate my posts as we go down the road. Although it's okay. Everything in its own time. Some times I just glaze over when I get too much information. Thank God my husband takes notes. But this discussion board is amazing. There wasn't much I heard from the professionals I had not heard here so it makes everything easier to absorb.