If you lost your mom to this disease....

worriedaboutmom
worriedaboutmom Member Posts: 31
in Ovarian Cancer #1
I am just venting. Tomorrow is exactly one year that my mom lost her hard fought battle with this god forsaken disease. She fought HARD. She was not ready to go. She loved us (her children) and her grand babies SO MUCH that she really was not ready to leave us. But the fact is that she fought this disease, that was stage four with liver mets when we found it, for a year when she then had a massive stroke and was paralyzed on her left side. That put a damper on the chemo, and this nasty a** cancer spread even faster than the wild fire it already was. She had to go to the nursing home which she HATED, and she only lasted for three months after her stroke. Ultimately, her kidneys shut down, putting her into sepsis, which is how she passed.

Yesterday, my sister, aunt and I did a relay for life in memory of her. The exact same relay for life that she did with us, just three months after her diagnosis. I am pissed. She should still be here. She should have been there with us to participate in the survivor ceremony. Instead, I had to sit by helplessly and watch the strong lady I have always known, wither away and die before my eyes—and I could do nothing to help her. I keep thinking back on things I should have done differently—should have got her a second opinion, should have been more understanding when she was afraid and depressed. I am absolutely alone and no one understands. My Dad passed away when we were little children- he had hodgkins lymphoma that went into his liver. I ABSOLUTELY HATE CANCER!!!!!

I don’t know how I am to go on living without my mom. She was always there. ALWAYS. My life is never going to be the same, and now I have to learn to exist without her, which seems impossible. I know that those of you who have lost your moms to this disease know my devastation. It has been a year, still not ANY easier. That’s all. It’s just SO UNFAIR. Just mad and needed to get this out.

If you lost your mom too, and are pissed about it, share your story with me. Sometimes you just need to vent and get it out. I definitely know how you feel....

Comments

  • zinaida
    zinaida Member Posts: 221
    #2
    Hi dear! My Mom died from
    Hi dear! My Mom died from ovarian cancer stage 4 July,27 2006. I understand you very much. My Mom was very strong lady too. It is was very hard to see how cancer distroied her body. Me too not happy with my self, a lot things can be done better, but it is easy to loock back and see all mistakes. My English not so good, so I can not share all my story in details, but I can tell you, every thing what you wright down I did ezperience. Six month latter after my Mom death I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer , stage 2C and breast cancer, stage 1. Four and half years I am trying to survive. Please do not forget check yours health often.God bless you, hugs, Zina.
  • kikz
    kikz Member Posts: 1,345 Member
    #3
    zinaida said:

    Hi dear! My Mom died from
    Hi dear! My Mom died from ovarian cancer stage 4 July,27 2006. I understand you very much. My Mom was very strong lady too. It is was very hard to see how cancer distroied her body. Me too not happy with my self, a lot things can be done better, but it is easy to loock back and see all mistakes. My English not so good, so I can not share all my story in details, but I can tell you, every thing what you wright down I did ezperience. Six month latter after my Mom death I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer , stage 2C and breast cancer, stage 1. Four and half years I am trying to survive. Please do not forget check yours health often.God bless you, hugs, Zina.

    I cannot imagine
    the pain of your loss as I still have my mom but I do share your hatred for this dispicable disease. It takes so many good people. I had to watch my mom and my son agonize over my illness. My mom is 87 and ended up in the ER twice with anxiety when she heard me crying when I felt so sick. I applaud you and your sister for continuing the fight by participating in the relay. I am going to one this Friday. Don't beat yourself over what you could have done. I am sure your mom knew you did everything you could for her. This disease is cunning and I pray for some breakthroughs in research that will end the suffering.

    Karen
  • BrittanyC
    BrittanyC Member Posts: 100
    #4
    My mom was taken by this
    My mom was taken by this disease on December 7, 2009. I am convinced she waited an extra day to leave. My boyfriend and I celebrated our anniversary on December 6th. I know it is not just a concidence she chose to go a day after.

    It isn't any easier. My work place plays this song that I played when my mom passed, and each time I hear it at work, I feel like swearing, kicking, screaming, and crying.

    I wish my mom were still here. I want her to see her future grandchildren, my bunny, to make more memories with her :(
  • Cindy Bear
    Cindy Bear Member Posts: 569
    #5
    Hi
    I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother June 19, 2009.. to uterine, not ovarian cancer. It will be 2 yrs this Sunday... Most days I still cannot accept that she's gone. It's hard, it's gotten a little easier with time,but it's still hard. She was 79 when she passed, not ready to go and we weren't ready to lose her... are you ever prepared for that type of loss..
    I still ahve good and bad days, still have lots of anger, at the drs, the failed treatment, God, fate and anger with my mom if I'm being honest... It sucks, I know. Hang in there, and take comfort in the fact that we do understand.. I keep coming back to these boards.. first because I was angry and shocked and looking for answers, and now because I've come to care greatly about the wonderful ladies on the uterine and ovarian boards... you might want to post under grief and ber. and emotional support too.. they are some wonderful people there as well.
    Take care,
    Cindy
  • kellyh33
    kellyh33 Member Posts: 287
    #6
    Mom
    My Mom is still with me but in June 2010 before her surgery the oncologist said 18 months to three years. After they opened her up and were unable to remove the tumour she said 12-18 months. That was September 3rd 2010.
    It sickens me to see her get more and more ill. She is so very thin and has very low energy, thankfully she has zero pain.
    I am hoping Mom will be here to celebrate her and Dad's 50th anniversary Sept 15th and her 68th birthday exactly one week later.
    I am participating in the Winners Walk of Hope Sept 11th which supports ovarian cancer research. I was so hoping Mom could do part of it with me but that is not going to happen.
    I hate this disease too, I hate the way it sneaks up on you, I hate the way doctors don't know what you have until it's too late but mostly I hate that it will take my Mom from me far too young.
    Kelly :(
  • worriedaboutmom
    worriedaboutmom Member Posts: 31
    #7
    kellyh33 said:

    Mom
    My Mom is still with me but in June 2010 before her surgery the oncologist said 18 months to three years. After they opened her up and were unable to remove the tumour she said 12-18 months. That was September 3rd 2010.
    It sickens me to see her get more and more ill. She is so very thin and has very low energy, thankfully she has zero pain.
    I am hoping Mom will be here to celebrate her and Dad's 50th anniversary Sept 15th and her 68th birthday exactly one week later.
    I am participating in the Winners Walk of Hope Sept 11th which supports ovarian cancer research. I was so hoping Mom could do part of it with me but that is not going to happen.
    I hate this disease too, I hate the way it sneaks up on you, I hate the way doctors don't know what you have until it's too late but mostly I hate that it will take my Mom from me far too young.
    Kelly :(

    Thank You For Sharing Your Stories
    I know you all know how I feel and I really appreciate knowing that. Although I also hate that you all have to know how I feel, it also makes me feel better knowing that someone else understands the pain I feel. My mom died at 9pm a year ago tonight. I think I will sit on my front porch and talk to her tonight. Thanks again for sharing your stories with me. I really appreciate it and thanks for letting me vent to you all. You all are in my prayers!
  • Lisa13Q
    Lisa13Q Member Posts: 677
    #8
    I lost my mother May 27th 10 days ago?
    i don't know..i have lost track of time....I just found the first sonogram and CT scan that they took of her, just 5 minutes ago...do i keep it? do i toss it?....her doctor never even called to send condolences....she fought so hard just like your mother....she fought to the bitter end.....and it was awful.....I found 2 of her cancer caps this weekend that she hated....I freaked....a friend had to come and get rid of them for me....I hate this disease more than you could ever know....actually you probably do know....it is so unfair and so devastating..I found an early journal from my mother as well and it describes her terror...cancer is disgusting....this cancer is particularly disgusting...My Mom's exit from this world is so new...I am still trying to digest it....idk what else to say...I have mouth sores....i am eating crappy...I broke my cell phone....I can't figure out how to get the slide show to Hizzyfits to share with people......the grief is horrible.....i know it will get better.....but it truly sucks....
  • Millie2011
    Millie2011 Member Posts: 28
    #9
    Lisa13Q said:

    I lost my mother May 27th 10 days ago?
    i don't know..i have lost track of time....I just found the first sonogram and CT scan that they took of her, just 5 minutes ago...do i keep it? do i toss it?....her doctor never even called to send condolences....she fought so hard just like your mother....she fought to the bitter end.....and it was awful.....I found 2 of her cancer caps this weekend that she hated....I freaked....a friend had to come and get rid of them for me....I hate this disease more than you could ever know....actually you probably do know....it is so unfair and so devastating..I found an early journal from my mother as well and it describes her terror...cancer is disgusting....this cancer is particularly disgusting...My Mom's exit from this world is so new...I am still trying to digest it....idk what else to say...I have mouth sores....i am eating crappy...I broke my cell phone....I can't figure out how to get the slide show to Hizzyfits to share with people......the grief is horrible.....i know it will get better.....but it truly sucks....

    Loosing my mother..
    Hi,

    I am also in the position of loosing my mother as she is now getting weaker and weaker each day. Hopefully she will do a full year since diagnosis, that will be in february 2011 but things moves much faster.. She is hospitalized and not hoping much at the moment really. given up I said. And she is only 61 god help. I am terrified. She has 5 grandchildren just loving her, two daughters and a son of her own and still a lot to live for. It is so unfair. I do almost not function myself. I leave kids at school, go to work, go to mum at hospital and back home late sleeping. It has been like this for 2 months now. How long will I cope? How do you cope after your loss? I can´t even imagine.

    Lots of love,
    Millie
  • childofthestars
    childofthestars Member Posts: 251 Member
    #10
    I lost my beautiful mother
    I lost my beautiful mother 10 years ago on 10 June from this disease. She was only just 57 and definately NOT ready to leave......... It was devastating at the time (i had not long finished treatment for breast cancer). However, although i miss her terribly, some days more than others, and wish more than anything she was here to see her first greatgrandchild, time is some sort of healer. I tend to look back at the fun times more than i look back at the illness now. I would give almost anything though to hug her again even if it was for a second. I love her and miss her and always will but take some comfort in the belief that i will be with her again one day.
    Michelle x
  • Rookerbird
    Rookerbird Member Posts: 100
    #11
    childofthestars said:

    I lost my beautiful mother
    I lost my beautiful mother 10 years ago on 10 June from this disease. She was only just 57 and definately NOT ready to leave......... It was devastating at the time (i had not long finished treatment for breast cancer). However, although i miss her terribly, some days more than others, and wish more than anything she was here to see her first greatgrandchild, time is some sort of healer. I tend to look back at the fun times more than i look back at the illness now. I would give almost anything though to hug her again even if it was for a second. I love her and miss her and always will but take some comfort in the belief that i will be with her again one day.
    Michelle x

    Sad
    This thread makes me very sad. I'm sorry you lost your moms. I can't bear the thought of leaving my children and them feeling such pain.

    Also, I can't stop thinking of Nancy's little boys, and Sarah Feather's little boys. Those ladies were in their late 30s/early 40s, and their little boys need their moms! I ache thinking of a post on Sarah's blog, where she asked her son if she could use his blanket for a nap, as hers was in the dryer. He said yes, but was worried about her cancer germs getting on his blankie.
  • JMulkey
    JMulkey Member Posts: 32
    #12
    I'm in the process
    of losing my mom. We found out she had cancer in September of 2010. She did six rounds of chemo, which got her CA-125 down to 11. She had surgery and they found much more cancer than they thought, and they could not remove most of it. They did remove one tumor, which was dead and so necrotic they couldn't even test it to find out definitively if it was Ovarian or uterine. They have been treating it as if it were ovarian, but the Gyn/Onc says no, it looks more like uterine, anyway, we still have no answer. She's had five months now without chemo, but last week, her CA-125 was up to 65. Which does not sound at all good. The onc is giving her two months and if she doesn't have any indication that the cancer is active (in other words, if nothing happens), he will do tests again to see where she's at. But most likely we are looking at more chemo. I hate this disease. I had breast cancer four years ago and it was super agressive. It was really easier for me to face the cancer when it was mine. This is so much harder. My brother had cancer in the bottom of his mouth also. I have tried to protect her, well, both my brother and I have actually since my dad died of cancer in 1982. We have taken care of her, and done for her, and loved her as much as we have been able. And she is a wonderful woman. These months, I have been her primary care taker. And it's been hard, as we have switched places in life, she has become in some instances the child and I have become in some instances the mother. But that's ok. I'm tired, more tired than I ever remember being in my entire life. And it's not all physical. Alot of it is just the stress with living with the possibility that she might soon be gone from our lives. And who knows, maybe we'll win that so sought after lottery and she'll continue to live a long life. She's already 78, diabetic, in renal failure (which actually got better while on chemo) and has had a heart attack. So it's a one day at a time life. But she is still smiling, still fighting and I know she will fight to the very end, she told me she's never been a quitter and isn't about to start now. But still, I grieve. I grieve because I also see her getting weaker. I see her getting physically smaller. She's losing height now. She uses a walker. She isn't steady on her feet. She has terrible neuropathy. She wants so badly to be independent again, and I realize (even if she doesn't) that that isn't likely at this point. So I grieve. I cannot even imagine a life without her in it. I'm 55. She's been here for every day of those 55 years. What would a day be like without her in it? I don't know at this point. When my dad got really sick, he said in a way he was glad because he couldn't bear to live one day without my mom in it. I am starting to see what he meant. But she has taught me to be strong too. To go on. "The sun will rise tomorrow in the East". Her favorite saying. And it's true. Even if we want it to rise backwards, to take time away, it cannot.

    So, I am on your path also, not as far along, but getting closer day by day. You sound as if you are grieving, but I know that if you are posting and sharing your feelings, that you are stronger than you think. You will be in my prayers. And if you are a praying person, I would surely appreciate yours. If you aren't a praying person, then please send good thoughts up into the ether for us.

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