taking anger out on caretaker
Anyone else have a loved one take their anger or frustration out on the caretaker?
Comments
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ANGER
I too was the caregiver for my husband Elmer. He was always the sweetest man on earth and so good to me but when he was going through chemo and radiation for his head and neck cancer he could get very snippy with me. This was not like him at all and I realized it was only how he was handling his diagnosis. After a lot of prayers and a little more time he returned to his old self again. I lost him to the dreaded disease after 11 1/2 months and miss him so much. It is hard to understand what is going through their minds when they are having treatments which really affected his talking besides having to wear an arbirator which he could not use after he lost the ability to open his mouth wide enough for me to put it in. I know that even when he couldn't talk his smile told me how much he appreciated me taking care of him and how much he loved me. Stay strong for your husband, he needs you more than ever now. Thoughts and prayers coming your way. Betty0 -
Kinda the same
My mom and I are the caretakers for my father. My dad finished treatment a year ago for tongue cancer. While in treatment he was wonderful and did great through the treatment. Now it is a different story. He is so angry towards my mother and starting to get that way to me. He has had perfect scans and the doctors tells him he is doing great. All he does is stay in bed and hardly talks to my mom. When he does it is angery and hurtful. I can understand about the stress level being through the roof. It is the same at my house. I wish I could give you some advice.
Kathy0 -
Yes...I have. I just try to
Yes...I have. I just try to stay positive, take a deep breath, leave the room if I have to, calm down, and usually things work out. Try to take some time for yourself even if it's a 10 minute walk. I have let the laundry pile up, house is a wreck at times and do as much as I can on the weekends when I'm not working. I hope things turn around for you!
Donna0 -
Shoe's
Being a survivor I have very little feel for what you are going thru as the #1 caregiver. I have shared with many that I believe the caregiver has it worse than the actual cancer patient with head and neck cancer. Due to treatments head and neck cancer is considered close to the worst for pain. I was told during my first meeting with doctor he said to us the Cancer may not Kill but the treatment probably will.
Your husband has no idea what is happening in your shoe's and he certainly has uncertainty going on in his shoes with how long will the pain last, how fast will I recover, will I eat again, will I ever get my energy back, will I ever feel like a whole man again, who will take care of my family if something goes wrong, many others and I do not need to go farther other than to share ..... WILL I KICK CANCER'S BACK SIDE?
I know it is hard and I can not imagine what is going on in your shoes, I do know that you being the caregiver will be the one he looks too for positive support. The struggles can be once a day, once an hour and many time once every couple min. Treatment is bad and recover is worse and never slow enough. Try and put yourself in his shoes and feel what you might do if it was you. It's impossible to ask the one fighting for their life to put them selfs in your shoe's while going thru what they are doing. I am certain if he could put himself in your shoe's he would be much less grumpy.
Prayers going out for wisdom, strength, less pain and much needed positive support.
Hug's from all us here on CSN
John0 -
I am guilty
I was like Jim when I was going through treatment and I will never forgive myself for the anger I directed toward my courageous and loving wife. The anger and shortness I addressed toward her rightfully should have been directed at myself for having been the fool that led a "lifestyle" that got me on the way to my death bed. For the last twenty years I've tried to let her know how much her support, courage and love meant and means to me and we hope to get another twenty. We hope the same for you and Jim. We pray that Jim will soon recognizes that he is living with an Angel. God Bless, Josh and his Angel0 -
My email is
My email is roselvr@gmail.com if you need someone to vent to.
Been there & done that.
Cancer can bring out the worst in people. My hub has no memory of what he did to me; including trying to jump out of the car while on the highway. Is your hub on ativan? If not; get him some. Get yourself something too plus something for acid reflux because that's coming next. I also need an inhaler now too & am left with huge panic attacks.
My dad was wonderful during his Leukemia & he was diagnosed terminal. Here my hub had an 85% chance & he's miserable. My dad went through 100 times worst then what my hub did.. people are different; some can't handle being down. I've been down 10 years with back pain & I haven't been 1/2 as mean in that 10 years as my hub was during treatment
Yes; caregivers have it rough. I'm not saying the patient doesn't too because they do but most don't remember a lot of it while we relive it.0 -
Grump Bucket
I had occasions where I was pretty grumpy with my wife, whom was my caregiver... It was nothing she did, she was awesome.. I even grouched at her once for making too much noise taking silverware from the drawer for the meal she just fixed me.
She usually let me know about it and set me straight LOL...
It's hard to explain... I wanted her home with me when she had time and could from work...but I didn't wanna hear her or have her bothering me. I guess just the comfort of knowing she was there.
I can't offer much other than communication..she understood as best she could what I was going through. And yes, I'm sure it hurt and bothered her...but at the same time she knew that I wasn't myself either.
Going through treatment is rough physically and mentally, not knowing if you are going to make it...lots of fears and emotions going on simultaneously.
I can only tell you to try and not take it too personally. Be there and re-enforce your feelings and concerns, be understanding even when knowing it's nothing you did.
Best,
John0 -
My story
I was fine all through chemo and radiation but as i kept getting better i started getting moody. I went from being the lead electrician for a company making great money, taking vacations all over the world. Now i cant eat a steak. One day my oncologist told me he wanted me to see the cancer theripist. My wife was in the room with me and i asked her if she thought i needed it and she said yes so fast it made my head swim. The theripist gave me citalopram 20 mg it works good for me. I am not nearly as moody as i was. If you think about it is rough to go from being the main supporter to being taking care of. If possible see if he will take some medicine to fix it. God bless. David0 -
Caretaker/Caregiver
I am the patient, my husband, the caregiver. I have, at times, taken out my frustration on my husband. I am not proud of it and I ahve always apologized, sincerely, to him. He is a generous, loving, caring, and forgiving man and he says he understands it is not me talking, but the brain cancer. He says he never takes it personally and it helps that we are in therapy, couple and singly (sp?) with a wonderful lady who has been our therapist for 9 years. She specializes in chronically ill and terminal patients and also in marriage counseling so it is a perfect fit.
I speak from experience when I say that it is due to treatment and the medications we are taking for treatment or post-treatment. It is not an excuse, but merely a statement of fact.
Please know that we, the cancer patients, understand what you the caregivers give up for us as we, and you, fight the battle of cancer together. While we may not always express our love and true feelings in a good way, please know that we do appreciate everything you do for us, tha patients.
As my husband likes to remind me, I was drafted, he enlisted.
Keeping you and all the others on here in my prayers.
Peace.
Teresa0 -
Caregiverpalmyrafan said:Caretaker/Caregiver
I am the patient, my husband, the caregiver. I have, at times, taken out my frustration on my husband. I am not proud of it and I ahve always apologized, sincerely, to him. He is a generous, loving, caring, and forgiving man and he says he understands it is not me talking, but the brain cancer. He says he never takes it personally and it helps that we are in therapy, couple and singly (sp?) with a wonderful lady who has been our therapist for 9 years. She specializes in chronically ill and terminal patients and also in marriage counseling so it is a perfect fit.
I speak from experience when I say that it is due to treatment and the medications we are taking for treatment or post-treatment. It is not an excuse, but merely a statement of fact.
Please know that we, the cancer patients, understand what you the caregivers give up for us as we, and you, fight the battle of cancer together. While we may not always express our love and true feelings in a good way, please know that we do appreciate everything you do for us, tha patients.
As my husband likes to remind me, I was drafted, he enlisted.
Keeping you and all the others on here in my prayers.
Peace.
Teresa
I am Glenn's caregiver. I have the exceptional luck of being employed in Nursing Education for the last 27 years so I was able to channel some of my anxiety into just plain bedside nursing duties. I really took advantage of that by hanging all the PEG feedings, crushing and administering medications, changing sheets, doing extra laundry, anything that was an "action" I could reasonably take, that's what I did.
Glenn has Post Traumatic Syndrome from previous events in his life so he got to a point where his response to the whole thing was to withdraw. He wasn't mean, he was just absent.
Looking back, it was only about 4 weeks but it was tough. We're close and together a lot so we're always talking and jocking back and forth. He just wasn't "there" for awhile.
He's back though and better than ever. He feels great, getting ready to go back to work and enjoying his life.
When I look back I would have to say it was so worth it. Tough but worth it.
Lisa0 -
Well, I did not exactly have a caretaker.miccmill said:Caregiver
I am Glenn's caregiver. I have the exceptional luck of being employed in Nursing Education for the last 27 years so I was able to channel some of my anxiety into just plain bedside nursing duties. I really took advantage of that by hanging all the PEG feedings, crushing and administering medications, changing sheets, doing extra laundry, anything that was an "action" I could reasonably take, that's what I did.
Glenn has Post Traumatic Syndrome from previous events in his life so he got to a point where his response to the whole thing was to withdraw. He wasn't mean, he was just absent.
Looking back, it was only about 4 weeks but it was tough. We're close and together a lot so we're always talking and jocking back and forth. He just wasn't "there" for awhile.
He's back though and better than ever. He feels great, getting ready to go back to work and enjoying his life.
When I look back I would have to say it was so worth it. Tough but worth it.
Lisa
My step mom did take me to and from radiation everyday, but that's about it.
I live with, my grandmother tho, and she is 87 and kinda senile. I am quite sure i was a right b!t@h to her many times.
I was so sick and so overwhelmed and on a lot of pain meds, and still in so much pain, and I could not eat for 9 months by mouth. Yeah, you would not have wanted to be around me.
All I can say is that i am sorry that he is being short with you, and I know it must be so difficult, but I am so glad that you have eachother. All I can say is that it will get better as he gets better, I think.
Hang in there. You can always come and vent to us. ((((hugs))))0 -
I was drafted, he enlisted ~ Teresapalmyrafan said:Caretaker/Caregiver
I am the patient, my husband, the caregiver. I have, at times, taken out my frustration on my husband. I am not proud of it and I ahve always apologized, sincerely, to him. He is a generous, loving, caring, and forgiving man and he says he understands it is not me talking, but the brain cancer. He says he never takes it personally and it helps that we are in therapy, couple and singly (sp?) with a wonderful lady who has been our therapist for 9 years. She specializes in chronically ill and terminal patients and also in marriage counseling so it is a perfect fit.
I speak from experience when I say that it is due to treatment and the medications we are taking for treatment or post-treatment. It is not an excuse, but merely a statement of fact.
Please know that we, the cancer patients, understand what you the caregivers give up for us as we, and you, fight the battle of cancer together. While we may not always express our love and true feelings in a good way, please know that we do appreciate everything you do for us, tha patients.
As my husband likes to remind me, I was drafted, he enlisted.
Keeping you and all the others on here in my prayers.
Peace.
Teresa
Awesome little quote there...I like it.
JG0 -
Thank you Betty. Givesmebettvan16 said:ANGER
I too was the caregiver for my husband Elmer. He was always the sweetest man on earth and so good to me but when he was going through chemo and radiation for his head and neck cancer he could get very snippy with me. This was not like him at all and I realized it was only how he was handling his diagnosis. After a lot of prayers and a little more time he returned to his old self again. I lost him to the dreaded disease after 11 1/2 months and miss him so much. It is hard to understand what is going through their minds when they are having treatments which really affected his talking besides having to wear an arbirator which he could not use after he lost the ability to open his mouth wide enough for me to put it in. I know that even when he couldn't talk his smile told me how much he appreciated me taking care of him and how much he loved me. Stay strong for your husband, he needs you more than ever now. Thoughts and prayers coming your way. Betty
Thank you Betty. Givesme hope that my sweet good natured husband will return.
Debbie0 -
All the comments help. Justjosh r. said:I am guilty
I was like Jim when I was going through treatment and I will never forgive myself for the anger I directed toward my courageous and loving wife. The anger and shortness I addressed toward her rightfully should have been directed at myself for having been the fool that led a "lifestyle" that got me on the way to my death bed. For the last twenty years I've tried to let her know how much her support, courage and love meant and means to me and we hope to get another twenty. We hope the same for you and Jim. We pray that Jim will soon recognizes that he is living with an Angel. God Bless, Josh and his Angel
All the comments help. Just knowing it is a common thing helps tremendously. Thanks for the prayers.
Debbie0 -
Caretaker
Please understand this is not your husbands but the chemical’s in your husband that is doing this. I was so bad in my first treatment I ran all my children and friends away, only my wife stayed and I don’t know why, but I was glad she did. This will pass once his treatment is over, so please hand in there.
If he needs someone to talk too let me know and I will PM you my home phone number, it helps to be able to talk to someone who has been there.
Take care
Hondo0
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