1st Week post chemo

The first days were a fog of steroids and exhaustion. I was tired, comatose, and twitchy at the same time. It was amazing the amount of energy that it took to justshift in bed.

Those first days were sheer terror, too. I was scared. The exhaustion was at a level I had not reached before and did not think was possible. Sigh, bodily functions were/are just painful. I try not to get an anxiety attack prior to bowel movements, but they just hurt.

They hurt deep inside my abdomen. The movements hurt prior to the surgery and discovery of cancer; I just thought there was a light at the end of the dysfunctional digestive system. I would lose weight, get healthy and the pain would stop.

The ramifications of actually dripping toxic chemo in my veins were constantly swirling through my head. Die, now or die later? Do I do this again, or is this just way too much?

I am much loved. The people in my life want to know about me and how things are going. They want to spend time with me. I cringe at the idea because I would rather just zone out on the bed or the couch. Just writing emails or keeping up on social sites, is exhausting. Yet, these past few weeks cancer has taught me time is fleeting.

Another family member just got diagnosed with cancer last week. This week is her surgery. I am sure she is thinking about our other cousin that just died of cancer, and of me. So while I may cringe at the energy it takes to write a quick email, I will do so. Should the unthinkable happen tomorrow, I want the friends and family to know I love them.

According to the doctor, this coming week is the rough week. So…let us see what happens…