While We Are Waiting…..A Sundance Rant

I’m not known for rants and raves too much – I try to stay steady and calm in the face of adversity.

But, quite frankly, I’m a tad bit “upset.” This must be one of those times when Shayenne used to say that Her Lion was “roaring.”

And I am roaring mad – mad at a disease that continues to chip away at my body, my mind and my soul. Mad that we have not found more humane ways of treating this affliction. Mad that we are treated with “medicines” that are more harmful to us than the disease itself.

Did I mention that I was mad?

I’ve been engrossed in my scan results ever since I’ve received them. I’ve pored over them and over them again. And I’ve been doing my research on all of the terminology that was presented – and what has shocked me is how much these “Surgeries and Treatments” have done to me over these years. No wonder I’m a wreck and a useless husk of a man that I have become as a result of all of this mess.

It’s upsetting – it’s maddening – it’s infuriating – and it’s my life now – and I’ve got to live with it the rest of my days and try and make some sense out of what has happened and what I’m going to do to get me to the finish line with as much of the “Original Equipment” as I have left.

“THE CURE” is really becoming worse now than the disease itself.

This “Addition by Subtraction” method of dealing with Cancer in the medical community has got to come to an end – and I mean Pronto.

This last year of chemical warfare and all of the associated surgeries and treatments has taught me that I cannot continue to keep doing this forever. I remind myself that these are “Treatments and Not a Lifestyle.”

Like the waves of the ocean against the rocks, a little bit more of me gets washed into the ocean with each procedure – reduced from rock to mere sand, until one day there might not be anything left of me to even bury.

As the time passes, I’m inclined to believe what John23 has said about the debilitating effects that western medicine treatments afford us, if we stay on them for long enough.

And this post is especially relevant because there are so many new people just starting out for the 1st time, or in their first or second year – but after 7-years in this toxic waste dump that is my body, more and more truths are becoming more self-evident to me with each passing day.

I wish it were not so, but I’m not the type to “bury my head in the sand.” And I never will be. The Truth – the Whole Truth – and Nothing but the Truth is the best remedy for us all.

I can’t just sit here and pretend that none of this has happened to me and stay with the status-quo. I’d be a fool to not entertain other ideas and seek out new ideas from the pioneers that have the courage to stand at the fork in the road – and then choose the path less traveled.

What good is my journey if I can’t impart to myself and to you what I am discovering – the good, the bad, or the ugly?

I guess the conclusion I draw out of all of this is… if we can – do the surgeries and treatments and then jump off the train and get out of there as soon as you are able. . Of course, I as well as anyone, knows that this is not always possible.

It’s been said that “Knowledge Equals Power.”

But, I also think now, that “Knowledge Equals Choice.” And that’s not bad a thing either. A choice or a chance is really all we are asking for anyway.

After I told my onc that I almost cancelled his appointment, he told me, “You’re not a doctor – even if you think you are.”

LOL:)

Well, maybe not, but I play one on the board:)

But, what I am is a “well educated and well informed patient”, who is going to have to take his treatment options to even newer heights if this Cancer doesn’t get the message and bounce.

While I’m on a roll….let’s go ahead and talk about the BAD on the scan report and put this portion behind us.

I’ve got Bronchiectasis – it is an uncommon “disease” and can be categorized as a chronic obstructive pulmonary disease manifested by airways that are inflamed and easily collapsible, resulting in air flow obstruction with shortness of breath,

A by-product of two major lung surgeries and 7-wedge resections of my right lung removed? Hmmm. No wonder I can’t catch my breath anymore since the DaVinci surgery. Coincidence?

Next, my Gallbladder has “collapsed.” That sounds pretty ominous to me. The research I did on this did not reveal too much. I found an entry from a doctor that said this is nothing to worry about. Really? Are you sure?

Next, Retroperitoneal and Pelvic Lymphadenopathy. This is swelling, or enlargement, of the lymph nodes. Swollen lymph nodes may be brought on by a variety of reasons. Some occur due to local infections, while others can appear due to systemic conditions or “diseases.”

Next, Avascular Necrosis of the Femoral Head. This is the death of bone tissue due to a lack of blood supply. Also called osteonecrosis, avascular necrosis can lead to tiny breaks in the bone and the bone's eventual collapse. The most common joint affected by avascular necrosis is the hip. Avascular necrosis worsens with time. Avascular necrosis most commonly affects the ends (epiphysis) of long bones such as the femur, the bone extending from the knee joint to the hip joint. Risk factors or conditions associated with avascular necrosis include radiation treatments and chemotherapy.

When I first started out in my fight back in ‘04, I was preparing for my rectal resection and did 25x of external beam radiation into both hips. There has been pain there ever since. I always suspected a correlation but my research has now confirmed this.

Splenomegaly – enlargement of the spleen. Responsible for platelet production and for regulating white and red blood cells. My white blood cells are down and my platelets now sit at 71,000, down over 32,000 during the six-months of Folfiri treatments alone.
Chemo induced? You betcha! Oxaliplatin really did a number on them and permanently I’m sorry to say.

Are we having FUN yet?

I think it becomes so clear to correlate the “side effects” of the treatments and surgeries and the “after-math” or “fallout” from treating this deadly disease. It stands before me in black & white print. There is no denying it – and I’m certainly not in denial. Only a fool would pretend that this doesn’t exist or happen to us. It certainly did to me.

This further clarifies my point that the longer we “stay in the system” and keep taking these dangerous drugs and treatments, we are paying a high price for our continued survival. As time drags on, I’m beginning to think it could get to be “too much.” At least for me.

I’m still functional to a degree, but everything is so much harder on me now. There is still some “Quality” but I see it fading with every treatment. Too much more of this and I can see it slip away from me.

The body was just not designed to take this sort of abuse indefinitely. It’s a wonder machine, but it does have design limitations.

The Lion has “roared.”
-Craig