need some advice

mrs gadget
mrs gadget Member Posts: 118
in Breast Cancer #1
I realize this is kind off topic...and in some ways not...

Let's just say at this point I am still a bit overweight and in the process of growing my hair back. Treatment ended in December for me...

Recently, my husband decided to friend an ex girlfriend of his on facebook. I was devastated to say the least. I am sure the relationship is perfectly innocent however, it still bugs me A LOT. I want to tell him to delete her but feel that I am probably being unreasonable because I am insecure about how I look right now...

Any thoughts???

Thanks
mrs gadget

Comments

  • LoveBabyJesus
    LoveBabyJesus Member Posts: 1,679 Member
    #2
    it's ok to feel this way...
    If I was in your shoes, it would annoy me too, but it comes down to one word: Trust. Do you trust him? Do you have reasons to doubt him? Has he betray you in the past? Are you familiar with his past, with this particular person? If you can honestly answer these questions to yourself and feel peace, then let it go. If however, there are instincts/feelings about this situation, based on history - it's OK to share these feelings with him. Not as an attack, but rather as a concern you have because you care.

    I am on facebook, but there are many things that bother me about it too. But remember, mental power is everything. We choose what to stress in life.

    This is just what I would do. Let's see what others say.

    Good luck!
  • RozHopkins
    RozHopkins Member Posts: 578 Member
    #3
    Need some advice
    Innocent or not it was a thoughtless thing to do. Surely there was at least one other person he could chat to. Difficult one.......... What is your gut feeling. You need to talk dont you think. Would he like it the other way round?

    Best of luck.
  • Gabe N Abby Mom
    Gabe N Abby Mom Member Posts: 2,413
    #4
    I have two areas of thought on this....
    I think honesty is really important in a relationship. So I think your husband should know how you're feeling about your body right now, and in turn how that makes you feel about facebook and the ex. In the same conversation, be sure he knows how you feel about him. Once he knows how you feel, it becomes his choice about keeping or deleting the friendship...and that's when you need to trust him.

    And then there's the whole Men are from Mars thing...(I'll be blunt here)men are generally reassured that you care about them when they get sex. Cancer and treatments can really take a toll on that area of the relationship, so is it possible that your hubby needs a little reassurance in this area? Most guys don't care too much about the little bit of extra weight or short short hair, so don't let that get in your way.

    And I don't think it's off topic at all...

    Hugs,

    Linda
  • wndringmnd
    wndringmnd Member Posts: 44
    #5
    Dear Mrs. Gadget
    Dear Mrs. Gadget,
    This is not off subject. We are all here to support each other. I am in a similar situation. My husband has not been able to be "with" me since my surgery. Both of my breasts were removed and my scars are long and dark and not sexy, but what can I say...I am alive and working on being cancer free. If my husband were to befriend an old girlfriend on facebook I would flip a lid. It is so important for you to have a supportive group around you right now. You will receive that from these beautiful women here on this sight but you need to get it from your husband too. talk to him about ending the relationship with the the ex girlfriend. Hopefully he will.
    hugs to you
    Marilyn
  • seof
    seof Member Posts: 819 Member
    #6
    Not a bit
    This is not a bit off-topic. cancer (I know it's the start of a sentence, all you English teachers, but I refuse to honor the word with capitalization) affects all areas of life, especially our relationships to those we love. For me the level of honesty, effort, and risk I am willing to put into a relationship is directly proportional to the value I put on it. So, I don't care much about being open and honest with the Wal-Mart sales clerk. Common courtesy will suffice. However, my children and my spouse are quite another story. I insist on open communication in those relationships. We all try to be as kind as we can while we are being honest, which requires a great deal of effort and risk. But it is worth it. We believe that the family that prays together stays together. We pray together each time we have a need for a serious discussion, and we all try to be as loving as we can (1 Corinthians 13 for the definition of love). If you are a praying family, pray. Then I think you should begin by telling your husband how much you value him and your relationship, then let him know how your physical struggles have affected you emotionally, and how that may have contributed to your feelings about his contact with his ex. If you are both able to talk calmly and reasonably, ask him why he has contacted her. Maybe you are misinterpreting his motives and maybe not. Give him a chance to explain. If you both value your relationship it is worth the effort to come to an understanding with each other.

    It is a tough situation, Blessings on you both.
  • BioAdoptMom
    BioAdoptMom Member Posts: 358
    #7
    I would consider how you
    I would consider how you found out about it. If you found out yourself, then I think I would be more annoyed than if he had come out and told me. I friended an ex on FB as well, but I told DH up front I was friending "Dan". He also knows that we only dated for a short while, it was never a serious relationship, I was the one who ended it, and that he is also married. I think the cicumstances would make a big difference.

    Nancy
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #8
    BioAdoptMom said:

    I would consider how you
    I would consider how you found out about it. If you found out yourself, then I think I would be more annoyed than if he had come out and told me. I friended an ex on FB as well, but I told DH up front I was friending "Dan". He also knows that we only dated for a short while, it was never a serious relationship, I was the one who ended it, and that he is also married. I think the cicumstances would make a big difference.

    Nancy

    My husband has always been
    My husband has always been very trustworthy but I know i would not like it. I think it comes down to my grief about things, but I just would have to be honest. it would also depend on how she looks LOL
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159 Member
    #9
    I am conflicted about this
    I am conflicted about this one. I am friends with 2 in particular who were REAL b/f's~ one was my b/f from 8th grade through 12th, and the other an Airman I dated for 3 years in my 20's. I was 100% upfront with my husband about these online connections~ so much so that my husband would roll his eyes in complete boredom when I wanted to read him yet another email about things I had done and people I knew back in the 60's! I lived in California, the high school b/f lived in Alabama, but lo and behold! He had a brother who lived 2 hours from me! So, high school b/f flew out to California to meet up with me and his brother. My husband OF COURSE knew about it~ he came to our home, the three of us went out to dinner and talked the night away. That reunion was in 2000, and we are still in contact. Both of us are still married~ albeit neither of us is married to the persons we were married to then. Reggie also knows about this b/f. I got an email from him last week~
    The Airman~ we found each other online too. He is in Colorado and I am still in California. He is married, I am married~ I have never felt I needed to physically connect with either of these men from my past. But I sooooo enjoyed just talking about the good old days and we exchanged old pix we still had and yes! My husband is included and knows when I get mail. Both of these guys have contributed to my Relay For Life events; so they obviously know my health status.


    So why am I conflicted???? Because all women aren't like me~ and I don't trust the motives of a lot of them! LOL Too much potential danger in the "remember whens"! I guess it all comes down to why the need to connect exists. My bottom line is this: if it makes the one you live with and love uncomfortable, STOP! If, during treatment, while I was feeling less than feminine and overweight and unattractive to my husband he started communicating with an old flame, I would NOT like it! So, in deference to me and my recovery, I know that my husband would "un-friend" an old flame. I ( and we) are more important than an old friend he will likely never see.

    If this seems like a total contradiction, it probably is! But if Reggie ( for any reason) would ask me to stop communicating with my old b/f's~ no question about it! I would send them both a final note saying my life and relationship with my husband is way more important than remaining FB friends with blasts from my past.

    I hope you come to a good place with this!

    Hugs,
    Chen♥
  • cahjah75
    cahjah75 Member Posts: 2,631
    #10
    Mrs Gadget
    I would certainly be annoyed no matter how good your relationship with your husband is. I would wonder why he would friend an ex at this time. It could be totally innocent but stay alert. I have been married for 36 years. I weighed 106#s and now weigh 185#s. I had bilateral mastectomy with no reconstruction. I have gray hair that is only 1/2" short. I'm still the same person on the inside and he still loves me :D
    {{hugs}} Char
  • jendrey
    jendrey Member Posts: 377
    #11
    cahjah75 said:

    Mrs Gadget
    I would certainly be annoyed no matter how good your relationship with your husband is. I would wonder why he would friend an ex at this time. It could be totally innocent but stay alert. I have been married for 36 years. I weighed 106#s and now weigh 185#s. I had bilateral mastectomy with no reconstruction. I have gray hair that is only 1/2" short. I'm still the same person on the inside and he still loves me :D
    {{hugs}} Char

    not off topic
    It's a fine line between friends and emotional infidelity, a very fine line indeed.

    On one hand...Sure we all have friends on Facebook, but you are at such an emotionally vulnerable spot just right now. No doubt there's been things that your husband would like to talk about concerning how he's coping with your BC; but engaging an ex in any kind of conversation is a real temptation. How could he not mention you or how he's feeling--this tightrope, it's been his life ever since you've been fighting for yours.

    On the other hand...maybe she is just wanting to reconnect with all her old friends and a wait-n-watch approach will surely show this.

    Why don't you friend her yourself..keep it light. Maybe invite her and a few others over to take the scary out of it.

    Also, I second that men aren't any much concerned about a few extra pounds and too short hair when it comes to sex! But, you better believe I sure know just how bad my few extra pounds look to me!!! lol =)
  • mamolady
    mamolady Member Posts: 796 Member
    #12
    totally not off topic
    Everyone had great advise. You need to decide what is going to work for you. One other thing to think about. If he were going to sneak around he probably wouldn't do something as public as friending her on facebook.

    Cindy
  • jendrey
    jendrey Member Posts: 377
    #13
    mamolady said:

    totally not off topic
    Everyone had great advise. You need to decide what is going to work for you. One other thing to think about. If he were going to sneak around he probably wouldn't do something as public as friending her on facebook.

    Cindy

    ...
    You've got a good point, although I'd hazard to guess that such a relationship just sort of evolves, public or not.

    Then again, he has 'been there, done that' with her; she IS an ex and prolly with good reason. Personally, I'm great friends with my ex's and no it's not friends w/benefits! =)
  • Lynn Smith
    Lynn Smith Member Posts: 1,264 Member
    #14
    jendrey said:

    ...
    You've got a good point, although I'd hazard to guess that such a relationship just sort of evolves, public or not.

    Then again, he has 'been there, done that' with her; she IS an ex and prolly with good reason. Personally, I'm great friends with my ex's and no it's not friends w/benefits! =)

    Not kosher
    I would never put up with it(not daily contact).I know how women are today.They are looking. My husband flirts and women flirt with him.Do I get mad??? Yes but I know where he is.With me. He won't ever go out on me.I know that but he does put on a good show.I am 64 and dont give a hoot.I'm also better looking than any of the women that flirt with him and i'm older.It is a male ego thing.He's always been this way but I could never move.

    You mentioned x's.I dated a guy for 3 years in high school.We were serious but not intimate.I was raised in the 60's.If you got preg you were kicked out of school.Not like things today.The guys graduated but the girls got kicked out.I didn't want that to happen to me. We were serious Throughout those 3 years but broke up just after graduation.Some contact later but very little. He moved on and I left town.I didn't want to get in the middle of his new girlfriend. I felt leaving was the best way.I wanted a new start.

    Last year my x boyfriend came to our class reunion(2010).I wasn't able to organize the reunion starting out because of my dx.Then when I found out I didn't need chemo or radiation I got into it. One of the other organizers called my X boyfriend. Told him of my dx.He wanted paperwork to mail back.Five years ago I told classmates I ws attending and at the last minute didn't show. I said I would never do that again.My classmates expected me.

    At the reunion my x boyfriend asked me in front of my husband how I had been.I said fine.He looked at me,then at my husband.He knew I was putting on a front.I knew he was told.After he asked Then he put his arm around me for support.Not a close hung but a caring and concerned hug. Was my husband mad??? I am sure he was BUT he never said a word because of the concern. My husband would have lost it years ago but we are older.It was just a support thing and concern like anybody would feel after dating for 3 years. There will never be a relationship or contacting one another. He just felt things could change for me. And the same for him too.We never know what life brings from one day to another.

    This keeping in contact on facebook is a no no.Someone I know just left her husband for a
    childhood friend.She said she is happier than ever.Now she's happier but later I bet not.Then she can't go back.

    Lynn Smith
  • laughs_a_lot
    laughs_a_lot Member Posts: 1,368 Member
    #15
    Here's my take on this
    I grew up with 7 brothers. I naturally gravitate towards men because of this. In fact though you all on this site are cyber friends (and perhaps we will meet irl- in real life) I don't beleive I have ever had this many female friends.

    My husband doesn't do cyber stuff. Here's how it works with us. Both of us are in second marriages where we had our initial spouse cheat on us ending our respective marriages. I have been a member of a support group for many years. I even lunch with some of the male members of this group from time to time, without my husband. He and I both know that we are as faithful to each other as the family dog is to his master.

    I have a friend of the opposite sex who I sometimes discuss sensetive matters with. If I must do this I meet him in a public place such as a library. I then discuss with DH what it was that I needed to see that friend for. If I e-mail him and I think it is on the highly personal side I carbon copy his wife as we are friends as well. I do this to protect our marriages. These are suggestions you could consider if your trust your husband well like DH and I do each other. This seems to keep everyone involved comfortable that I am sticking like glue to my marriage vows.

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