Help! My husband's different!

wndringmnd
wndringmnd Member Posts: 44
in Breast Cancer #1
Help Me please. Tell me I am not the only one who has a husband that is acting strangly. I was diagnosed in January, had chemo. 8 weeks which knocked me on my butt, had a double mastectomy in March and am currently doing rads. I know that is a lot to go through. Sometimes I want to talk about things with him. he used to be my best friend, my lover and confidant, now it seems as if the subject is off limits to him, he makes an excuse to leave the room, or changesthe subject. also he has yet to look at my chest where my breasts were. he just says he can't. has anyone else experienced this or something similar?
Marilyn

Comments

  • sea60
    sea60 Member Posts: 2,613
    #2
    Marilyn,
    I was divorced going through all my experience but I sure have read a lot of our sisters posting reactions from their husbands and partners. Being married though for 17 years, I can say my ex would ingore what he feared. I'm not an expert on the emotions of men but I would venture to say this is not something they can just "fix" so this is hard for them. They might feel helpless. It's deep, it's emotional and some guys just have a hard time going there. Others might just want to be strong for their spouses NOT showing their true feelings while yet others just don't know how to react.

    I'm not sure how the communication is between you both but maybe you can just confront him about how he feels? Would he be open to counseling?

    I'll be keeping you in thought and prayer and hope it gets better for you.

    Hugs,

    Sylvia
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159 Member
    #3
    I agree~ generally speaking,
    I agree~ generally speaking, women are nurturers and men, fixers. Women ( again, generally!) write out/send the invites and holiday cards, when someone is ill we send fowers, make casseroles and arrange the carpool, soccer dates and the babysitting brigade. We have "Girl's Days" where we watch chick flicks, shop or go to the spa with our sisters, we hug, we cry and we feel renewed.

    Our men on the other hand are the fixers~ and this is something they cannot fix for us. Or for themselves. And emotionally, some of our men abdicate and pretend this isn't happening. But of course, this isn't possible! Your husband also knows what is happening to you~ and he is probably scared he is going to lose you and he doesn't know what to do!!!!

    Any chance of one of those "heart to hearts" in bed when it's dark? I found this the easiest time for me~ we could be face to face, or even back to back. I felt a freedom of speech with no distactions in the dark, especially being close enough to touch him. You know your husband best~ I wouldn't know how best to approach him. I don't know if in your relationship its better to tell him YOU are scared, or to ask him if HE is. But you can say you miss the US of you as a married couple. This is mainly happening to you of course, but as a couple, it is also happening to you both. Not an easy time by any stretch of the imagination .

    I hope the two of you find your way back to that good, loving, safe place. It's still there...

    Hugs,
    Chen♥
  • missrenee
    missrenee Member Posts: 2,136 Member
    #4
    chenheart said:

    I agree~ generally speaking,
    I agree~ generally speaking, women are nurturers and men, fixers. Women ( again, generally!) write out/send the invites and holiday cards, when someone is ill we send fowers, make casseroles and arrange the carpool, soccer dates and the babysitting brigade. We have "Girl's Days" where we watch chick flicks, shop or go to the spa with our sisters, we hug, we cry and we feel renewed.

    Our men on the other hand are the fixers~ and this is something they cannot fix for us. Or for themselves. And emotionally, some of our men abdicate and pretend this isn't happening. But of course, this isn't possible! Your husband also knows what is happening to you~ and he is probably scared he is going to lose you and he doesn't know what to do!!!!

    Any chance of one of those "heart to hearts" in bed when it's dark? I found this the easiest time for me~ we could be face to face, or even back to back. I felt a freedom of speech with no distactions in the dark, especially being close enough to touch him. You know your husband best~ I wouldn't know how best to approach him. I don't know if in your relationship its better to tell him YOU are scared, or to ask him if HE is. But you can say you miss the US of you as a married couple. This is mainly happening to you of course, but as a couple, it is also happening to you both. Not an easy time by any stretch of the imagination .

    I hope the two of you find your way back to that good, loving, safe place. It's still there...

    Hugs,
    Chen♥

    Hi Marilyn
    So sorry you are going through this. I love Chen's advice of having a talk in the dark--maybe lying next to each other. Somehow, this might feel safer for him and for you. Seems like he is very frightened and is having a difficult time dealing with your situation. Both of you are going through this--even though in very different ways.

    I hope you can find a way to make him feel safe enough to acknowledge you and what you are going through so that he can be the kind of support you need.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

    Hugs, Renee
  • AMomNETN
    AMomNETN Member Posts: 242
    #5
    sea60 said:

    Marilyn,
    I was divorced going through all my experience but I sure have read a lot of our sisters posting reactions from their husbands and partners. Being married though for 17 years, I can say my ex would ingore what he feared. I'm not an expert on the emotions of men but I would venture to say this is not something they can just "fix" so this is hard for them. They might feel helpless. It's deep, it's emotional and some guys just have a hard time going there. Others might just want to be strong for their spouses NOT showing their true feelings while yet others just don't know how to react.

    I'm not sure how the communication is between you both but maybe you can just confront him about how he feels? Would he be open to counseling?

    I'll be keeping you in thought and prayer and hope it gets better for you.

    Hugs,

    Sylvia

    Hubby's
    Hi,
    I agree with chen husband's are fixers and this they can't. Yes, things change and my husband didnt' want to talk about it either. It was like somehow it was all his fault. He still at times apologizes especially since I have very little feeling in my breasts now.It does get better with time. It's been almost 1 1/2 yrs since we started ths journey. It is better now. Hang in there.

    Janie
  • wndringmnd
    wndringmnd Member Posts: 44
    #6
    Thank you
    Thank you ladies for your insight into the male way of thinking. I guess I need to give him more time and space.
    Marilyn
  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    #7
    missrenee said:

    Hi Marilyn
    So sorry you are going through this. I love Chen's advice of having a talk in the dark--maybe lying next to each other. Somehow, this might feel safer for him and for you. Seems like he is very frightened and is having a difficult time dealing with your situation. Both of you are going through this--even though in very different ways.

    I hope you can find a way to make him feel safe enough to acknowledge you and what you are going through so that he can be the kind of support you need.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

    Hugs, Renee

    Marline sorry you are having difficult time
    Marline sorry you are having difficult time. I think nobody wants to talk about cancer except us"sisters in pink". It has been my experience through this journey. Even my women friends are always trying change the subject. I have talked to my husband about several topics related to managing side effects of Chemo, few other very concrete topics related to treatment and side effects the ones which we could fix. I do not think anybody around me except my sisters in pink can fully comprehend what cancer treatment is, and how long does it take to recover from it.
    So after 3 years of learning about cancer, I do not talk about cancer with family and friends. There are a lot of interesting subjects for them, they moved on and do not understand why I have not and it is still my area of interest.

    Wishing you and your husband to find your way of helping and supporting each other.
    New Flower
  • butterflylvr
    butterflylvr Member Posts: 944
    #8
    wndringmnd said:

    Thank you
    Thank you ladies for your insight into the male way of thinking. I guess I need to give him more time and space.
    Marilyn

    Marilyn,
    I agree the male mind is so hard to figure out. My husband since October (first DX) was my closest confidant. He was strong for me each day since then but has recently told me he has cried many a times in the shower so I wouldn't hear. It seems since day one, he has taken my diagnosis more harder then I have. When it came time to remove my left breast, it was his suggestion that I should consider removing my healthy right one as well. Since my bi-lateral surgery, he's changed a little bit. He's happy the beast is now gone and I am healing from my scars but now it's time to move on.

    Emotionally I am ready to move on too, but currently going through radiation and still having my implant exchange surgery to look forward too, doesn't allow me the luxury to just move on... My journey isn't over yet, and will it ever be over??? I know that doesn't make my husband an evil man. He only wants me better and now that the beast has been removed he wants to remain positive. It's in the past, behind us.

    I am sure in time eventually the rest of my friends and family will feel that way as well. But we all know here on this board it will never be over... Nobody can understand it better then us. We will all be forever connected NED or not.

    Love ya Pink sisters,
    Lorrie
  • Double Whammy
    Double Whammy Member Posts: 2,832 Member
    #9
    butterflylvr said:

    Marilyn,
    I agree the male mind is so hard to figure out. My husband since October (first DX) was my closest confidant. He was strong for me each day since then but has recently told me he has cried many a times in the shower so I wouldn't hear. It seems since day one, he has taken my diagnosis more harder then I have. When it came time to remove my left breast, it was his suggestion that I should consider removing my healthy right one as well. Since my bi-lateral surgery, he's changed a little bit. He's happy the beast is now gone and I am healing from my scars but now it's time to move on.

    Emotionally I am ready to move on too, but currently going through radiation and still having my implant exchange surgery to look forward too, doesn't allow me the luxury to just move on... My journey isn't over yet, and will it ever be over??? I know that doesn't make my husband an evil man. He only wants me better and now that the beast has been removed he wants to remain positive. It's in the past, behind us.

    I am sure in time eventually the rest of my friends and family will feel that way as well. But we all know here on this board it will never be over... Nobody can understand it better then us. We will all be forever connected NED or not.

    Love ya Pink sisters,
    Lorrie

    That topic sure caught my attention!
    I don't think your husband is really different, he's just frightened of what's happening to you. We all know what it feels like to be on this side of cancer, but it's difficult to understand how it feels on the other side. And, as Chen says, men handle things differently.

    My husband was very supportive, but he got tired of hearing about cancer, cancer, cancer. I know he just didn't want it to be part of our lives, but it was and for quite a long time it was pretty much the only topic I talked about. I talked about surgery, then about stage, grade, and type; then chemo and all the side effects I was either worried about having or had; all the radiation trips, all the doctor visits, all the worry about tests, etc. He really didn't want any of this to be part of our lives, but it was and it is and will always be. As I have returned to my normal self, I've noticed that he, too, is pretty much back to his old self, but we'll never be the same because this beast has changed us.

    Talk to him as much as you can and give both of you a chance to heal.

    Best,
    Suzanne
  • sausageroll
    sausageroll Member Posts: 415
    #10
    Double Whammy said:

    That topic sure caught my attention!
    I don't think your husband is really different, he's just frightened of what's happening to you. We all know what it feels like to be on this side of cancer, but it's difficult to understand how it feels on the other side. And, as Chen says, men handle things differently.

    My husband was very supportive, but he got tired of hearing about cancer, cancer, cancer. I know he just didn't want it to be part of our lives, but it was and for quite a long time it was pretty much the only topic I talked about. I talked about surgery, then about stage, grade, and type; then chemo and all the side effects I was either worried about having or had; all the radiation trips, all the doctor visits, all the worry about tests, etc. He really didn't want any of this to be part of our lives, but it was and it is and will always be. As I have returned to my normal self, I've noticed that he, too, is pretty much back to his old self, but we'll never be the same because this beast has changed us.

    Talk to him as much as you can and give both of you a chance to heal.

    Best,
    Suzanne

    Marilyn
    You sound lonely right now and I'm not sure that is what your husband would want. I can tell you that being a spouse or partner of someone with cancer is as hard or even harder than the one who is fighting..especially for men. When my husband was really sick..he didn't want compassion...he didn't want love. he wanted to be left alone to see if he could fix it himself.
    i completely agree with Chen. My husband over the last few weeks had a nasty fall from a ladder and fractured his skull. Normally a very nice man, he has been nasty and self centered. I did what Chen advised. In the middle of the night, I brought him a cup of tea and then opened up and let him know my feelings. I wanted to love him and help him..but he was shutting me out. Must have got through somewhat, because he has changed over the last few days.
    I am not sure that many men know how to deal with BC and they are afraid to know how to respond. I hope you find a way to get through this phase. It's a long journey..with twists and turns along the way.
    We're here for you. Take care. Pat
  • dbhadra
    dbhadra Member Posts: 344 Member
    #11
    sausageroll said:

    Marilyn
    You sound lonely right now and I'm not sure that is what your husband would want. I can tell you that being a spouse or partner of someone with cancer is as hard or even harder than the one who is fighting..especially for men. When my husband was really sick..he didn't want compassion...he didn't want love. he wanted to be left alone to see if he could fix it himself.
    i completely agree with Chen. My husband over the last few weeks had a nasty fall from a ladder and fractured his skull. Normally a very nice man, he has been nasty and self centered. I did what Chen advised. In the middle of the night, I brought him a cup of tea and then opened up and let him know my feelings. I wanted to love him and help him..but he was shutting me out. Must have got through somewhat, because he has changed over the last few days.
    I am not sure that many men know how to deal with BC and they are afraid to know how to respond. I hope you find a way to get through this phase. It's a long journey..with twists and turns along the way.
    We're here for you. Take care. Pat

    my husband and I
    are now seeing a marriage therapist. I also see an individual therapist who described a cancer dx as a tornado that churns up emotions and issues. that is certainly the case in our marriage!

    Seeing the therapist gives us a place we can sit down and talk and connect (not always easy!)

    My husband and I both at first reacted to the cancer by being very intellectual and rational about it, doing a lot of research on the internet, etc. Now, slowly, we are starting to get in touch with our emotions and it is tough at times.

    I think cancer can have huge impacts on marriages and other relationships, some positive, some negative, and sometimes both!

    Laura
  • wndringmnd
    wndringmnd Member Posts: 44
    #12
    dbhadra said:

    my husband and I
    are now seeing a marriage therapist. I also see an individual therapist who described a cancer dx as a tornado that churns up emotions and issues. that is certainly the case in our marriage!

    Seeing the therapist gives us a place we can sit down and talk and connect (not always easy!)

    My husband and I both at first reacted to the cancer by being very intellectual and rational about it, doing a lot of research on the internet, etc. Now, slowly, we are starting to get in touch with our emotions and it is tough at times.

    I think cancer can have huge impacts on marriages and other relationships, some positive, some negative, and sometimes both!

    Laura

    We
    Thanks Laura, we are leaning that way. We planted a garden together today. It was cold and he did most of the work while I sat and watched - per his instructions - but I brought it up that I thought it might be a good idea if we go together since we seem to be in different places and he said it wouldn't be a bad idea...so I will try to find a counselor and take it to the next step.

    Marilyn

Discussion Boards