Help in dying husband.

I dont mean to be crass, but
I dont mean to be crass, but this is HIS journey not yours. When you or your son need him to talk is not his problem. I really don't want to seem rude. What u need to see is he is talking "you don't want to know what I'm thinking right now cause I'm unhappy" the way I have choosen to view that exact statement when I've been told is, he's wants to talk but the words haven't come together in his heart and mind yet. His thoughts are scrambled. I PROMISE he will talk and when he speaks your heart will fill with warmth and your eyes will fill with tears. Only then will it all make scence, and the wait will be well worth it. As for 1month left don't count down the days, count the moments of serenity in each day. Remember when he is in a bad mood don't talk to him! The only thing you will miss out on is getting stressed out or being yelled at, & who needs those memories. I recall when my mom was pissy or angry I would bring her food, meds, say I love you and walk the hell out. The emotion of why she was mad wouldn't last as long when I didn't try to fix her problems. I hope I helped and this will be the hardest thing I hope you ever have to face. You are your families hero! Even thou I don't know you, I feel obligated to say THANK YOU for what you are doing, The greatest honor anyone can achieve in life is helping someone else accept their own death. Your courge is an example of the hearts ability to love what the brain cannot comprehend. Ask or vent ANYTHING, ANYTIME ......

TankerSGV makes some good points
I remember when my father was dying from brain cancer, my dear mother, in a fit of grief, anger and frustration, complained that dad "doesn't even care what I've been going through!"

I can't help you from the perspective of a caregiver, as I'm the flipside of this coin -- I'm the one who's dying of this disease. I was given a pretty dire prognosis where we thought I only had a short time left. And as much as I love my husband of 35 years, so much of what I was and am experiencing is a very private and solitary thing, that I can't share with him, especially at the darkest moments. There were times when he needed to talk and I didn't want to. I needed him to just back off. I never told him that, but I wanted to, even though he has been my soul mate for my entire adult life.

I've since gotten a temporary reprieve, and now have the "breathing room" to talk. But I know that when the time comes, it will be my journey, and mine alone. I learned last year that during my worst times, his worries/concerns/fears and mine were not the same. I might have been able to help him feel better, but he could not do the same for me.

I know that all the caregivers need and deserve tremendous emotional, spiritual and hands-on support, but seek it from someone other than the patient. He doesn't need the added burden.

Sorry if this doesn't help you, ShariVan. It's tough for everyone.

So Sorry
I too am my husbands caregiver, my husband had surgery for esophageal cancer last year, we thought we had turned a corner, but unfortunately it was not to be. My husband was given weeks to months (whatever that means) but we are not prepared to turn in the towel just yet, did some research and decided on the coley's treatment in mexico. It is an alternative treatment with good success rates. I don't know your situation, so I don't know if it would help, but I suggest you research it yourself to see if it might be an option. We are currently receiving the treatment as I write to you.
God Bless
Gail

dgsmith said:

So Sorry
I too am my husbands caregiver, my husband had surgery for esophageal cancer last year, we thought we had turned a corner, but unfortunately it was not to be. My husband was given weeks to months (whatever that means) but we are not prepared to turn in the towel just yet, did some research and decided on the coley's treatment in mexico. It is an alternative treatment with good success rates. I don't know your situation, so I don't know if it would help, but I suggest you research it yourself to see if it might be an option. We are currently receiving the treatment as I write to you.
God Bless
Gail

So Sad and so Sorry
You do not know me because I have not written much on this site for a while. I lost my husband, age 56, last September 15, 2010 to stage four. As many of you know my story, I will write a little to you. I was reading your post and I could of written it myself a year ago.
My husband immediately became bitter, mad, angry and kept himself in his bedroom from the time he was diagnosed which was October 7, 2009 until he passed last September. He came out for doctor's appt's only and then went back upstairs with the door closed. I have one child, age 23, who withdrew from college, to help care for him. He was somewhat nice to her, angry towards me from the beginning to the end. I do not know why some people react this way when they are diagnosed with cancer. We had been married 25 years last year, I did get him out of his room to renew our wedding vows last August, then he retreated again. I remarried this man because I loved him dearly. I had to sit back and realize that this was not the man I was married to all those years, that this horrible cancer had changed him and eventually I found out he had mets to his brain, which he probably had all along, which could of explain why he was acting like this the entire time. I got angry, posted alot on this website, made plenty of friends, and kept praying. I prayed all the time that he would let go of his anger and talk to us which he never did. I has been seven months since his death and I miss him terribly. I also lost my mother nine days after he died so I went through quite a bit. All I can tell you is that it is not your fault-keep talking-keep praying, that is all you can do. Some people are not ready to die, I know that Eddie wasn't ready, he was very, very mad at God. He just couldn't come to terms with his cancer and felt cheated out of the rest of his life. I am in therapy now and have been since he was diagnosed. I am still dealing with all the grief and guilt that I feel. When someone dies like this, it leaves us alone and feeling horrible for quite a while. I am doing better than before, but it is definately one day at a time for me and my daughter.

I don't know what else to tell you other than I feel so bad for you and your son. it is a horrible place to be, to watch and sit by our loved ones as they suffer. No one can understand this unless they are in your shoes, I understand exactly how you are feeling.
I will pray for your family and for your husband that you all find some peace in this terrible situation.
Linda

So, So Sorry
that you are going through this. I lost my father in Feb. to EC. I and my mother know how frustrating it is to love someone and have them unable to talk about what's going on. My father refused to talk about ANYTHING. It was extremely stressful on my mother, who was his caregiver. When he was first diagnosed, he said just wanted to fight it and "go on with life as normal." Well, he pretty much did that. When my mom would try to bring up subjects, like finances or asking how he was feeling, he got so angry and just didn't answer. For whatever reason, he just couldn't go there...or wouldn't go there with anyone.

I wish I had some great advice to give. I guess I would just say to you...say what's on your heart to him while he's still here. The last thing you want is to feel regret for not saying what you knew in your heart you wanted to say to him. Once things start sliding downhill, there's no going back.

From what I've read about the topic, it's very common for people to pull away and be angry. Especially to the ones that are closest to them. I also believe that as the disease progresses, people's personalities change. So, if your husband starts acting out of his normal character, try to remember it's the illness and not him and give him grace.

I don't know that there is any simple answer as to how to get people to open up when it's something they just don't want to do. Maybe talking to a counselor would help? I know many cancer centers now days have free counseling services for the patient and their families. My father was given all the information available to him, but said he didn't want to do any of it. Ugh.

Anyway, just being able to talk about it on this site will be helpful to you. I found so much support, prayer and genuine care on this site. It helped me so very much.

Will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Blessings,
Sally

I know what you're feeling
My husband was diagnosed in July 09 and has yet to talk about it to any of us. He keeps it all inside and will not let anyone in. It's hurtful to those around him. But that is him....

I will pray for you that it will change, but as William said, it may not. The disease is bad enough without the added burden of a husband who won't talk about it.

jan