No one talks about my husband

Talking
I am blessed with family and friends who do talk about Doug. I am so glad they do. Some people feel uncomfortable about it, but our family talked openly about him from the beginning. I guess I led the way, I often point out that he would have liked something or tell a funny story about something. I agree with Elizabeth that others have moved on with their lives because our husbands, though important to them, were probably not part of their day to day lives. Our lives have changed much more than theirs have. They don't want to "dwell" on it. Some may even think that it isn't healthy for us to keep bringing up our dead husbands. They don't understand that remembering them helps us move forward. Doug was a part of my life for 45 years. He was both an important part of me and a wonderful part of my life. I'm not going to stop talking about him. If it makes others uncomfortable, so be it. Fay

Share with us....we listen
Yes, it is really sad when family and friends feel like they do not want to talk about our loved ones with us when this is exactly what we need to do. Our loved ones were such a huge part of our lives. Our friend, partner, right-hand, confidant, and our other half. Just because they have passed does not mean we should treat them like they never existed and avoid talking about them.

It's true, some people who were not as deeply affected by the loss don't feel a need to talk about them. While others avoid the discussions because they are not ready to deal with the emotions that will surface when we talk about it. And yet others actually think they are being considerate to us by not talking about our loss because they don't want to upset us.

I have quickly learned which people fall in to which category and try to let them deal with their own emotions in their own way. In the mean time, I have found bereavement groups that meet monthly where I can feel safe discussing my progress (or lack of progress) and they understand each other's need to talk and share memories.

The group also understands that the tears I shed are healthy ones. Tears that help wash out all of the emotions held inside. Talking and sharing is healthy also. It's what helps us cope and deal with our grief instead of letting it build up.

All of us on the board are here to listen. Share with us. Tell us your stories.

Stargzr said:

A memory
AnnaLeigh and Elizabeth, the following is a memory...

My husband and I were the worst travelers that you can imagine. Do you know how the airlines tell you to arrive 2 hours ahead of time? Well, we would arrive panic-stricken at least 4 hours ahead of time. Many years ago we decided to take a trip by train. The train pulled into a stop, and a lot of passengers were getting off because it was a 20 minute stop. To this day, I do not know what possessed us to get off the train with my son who was a toddler at the time, but we did. We took an escalator up into this massive station to look around. Then we came back to the room we entered when we got off the escalator and found that we could not find the way back down to the train. Words could never convey our sense of panic. I was running around, my husband was making preparation to run down the "up" escalator (which was unbelievably massive) while carrying our son. Just in the nick of time, an Amtrak employee entered the area and rescued us from our silliness. She led us to the correct door. We hurried back on the train, both promising never to step more than 2 feet away from the train - any train forevermore. There we sat for the next 15 minutes waiting for the more rational travelers to find their way back to the train. It makes me smile just to think of this.

Please share a memory of your spouse.

Stargzr, Thanks for sharing
Stargzr, Thanks for sharing that memory; it made me smile. I got the greatest image of a guy with a toddler having taken a few steps back just ready to run and leap down the up escalator stairs. I can only imagine the panic you must have been in. What a neat memory to have.

I read the rest of the postings here, and I do understand what you mean. I am blessed because we have a number of really close friends and I have a large family; and they were all really close to my husband Mike, so they have no problem talking about him, reminding each other of a funny memory or a "Mikism" as we always called them and have all shared that they too talk to him (they told me when I told them I do it). I even have some family members and friends who will call me and tell me that Mike visited them because something really strange happened and they know it is him trying to communicate with them. And really, my family and friends are fairly normal, but we have always been close (especially family).

But I do know what you mean about people not talking about him. At work, many people knew my husband as I have been at the same place for 34 years and we are locals (along with many of my co-workers). There are only a very few who, if I say something about my husband, will elaborate on the memory as opposed to just glossing over the comment as if I never spoke. And the ones who will speak of him (and even bring things up about Mike first) seem to be the people who have themselves, been through the death of a close friend or family member.

I agree that I believe it is because they really do not know what to say and are afraid that they will offend/upset us. I just don't think they realize it is actually more upsetting that they don't speak of him.

But, thanks again for the memory. Take care.