Long-Term Survivor - Possible Recurrence or Second Cancer, Rough Time

Hey, everyone.

I'm a long-term Hodgkin's survivor (details available in my profile). At present I'm experiencing night sweats/overheating plus generalized itching, which of course could be absolutely anything, but could also be lymphoma, either Hodgkin's or NHL, so my hematologist is on it. I see him Thursday afternoon for evaluation.

I'm kind of in a rough patch right now. I feel like nobody understands what I'm dealing with; everyone thinks that 22 years after treatment I should be just ducky. Darn it, it's tough...lots of late effects, and I haven't been able to work for many years now, and I'm just at the frustration point. I don't have much help; my husband and I are a dual-survivor couple and I'm the only one of us who can drive (he lost peripheral vision due to an optic nerve tumor), and it's just...ugh. We do a great deal for our church as volunteer helpers, but it seems people really do not want to know if you're having a rough time; they'd much rather I was all chipper and upbeat and denying it all. :P

The way I know I've hit depressed point? Well...I actually am frustrated enough that I would RATHER be hospitalized for infections, which are a real problem for me as an asplenic survivor who also has lupus requiring immunosuppressants daily. I mean, I hate the hospitals and I hate needles even more and so on and so forth, but...at home, if I'm sick, I have to try and get out and get grocery stuff and the like and basically live on Campbell's soup all week or however long till I feel like cooking again, plus - if I don't handle it, it doesn't get handled. My husband's mom and dad will kind of help him out if I'm in the hospital, but not so much if I'm actually home; they sort of seem to figure that if I'm here, I should be able to deal with whatever needs addressing, whether it's cooking meals or getting groceries or checking whether we need meds refills or whatnot. And people from church are pretty much all about when-will-you-be-back, for the class I volunteer with, or the group my husband and I help with and host, or whatever. So...in short, I don't feel I get the help I need when acutely ill unless I actually AM an inpatient. And around here they just about won't admit you to save their lives. We moved some years back, and frankly it's been better for me healthwise in terms of stress and friendships, but far worse as access to quality medical care goes.

So yes, I needed to vent that. Thank you for reading. And please don't flame me...I'm just saying how I really feel, and how frustrated I am. I'm not saying it's a good way to feel, just that it's how I DO feel right now.

Man, did it ever feel better to type all that out....

Good luck, everyone.

Cheers,
"Lucy"